# GardenTalkie

Gardening Related Discussion

# Trollslum Act 1: Welcome To Alternia

by Bard The 5th LW
We now view a world long forgotten by Paradox Space. A planet of hostility, strangeness, and of rather intense relationship struggles. This sphere in space is, or was, known as ALTERNIA. Alternia and its people, the trolls are known throughout space for their innumerable military conquests. These conquests will be all but pointless by the time the day is over. However, a select few troll children will remain quite important for the time to follow.

Let us take a view at these children.

>Zoom in_

We go down even further onto the planet's large surface. Beneath sea level, underneath the vast ocean, but still high enough for light to shed through, a large hive juts from the sand. It is very manor-like, standing several stories tall. There are several windows and marble steps leading inside. It is so very regal and elegant you wouldn't believe. Let us examine further inside.

A very excited and chipper young lass with gills stands in a rather large respiteblock, surrounded by paintings and drawings, despite the water. It Just so happens that today is her wriggling day! That doesn't matter though. At least, not to us. She seems to have actually marked it on her calendar, but I don't think we'd really understand the dates there. Oh look at that, we seemed to have reminded her of the date. She takes notice of the calender with a joyed look in her eyes. Apparently, today is a big deal to her.

Just who is this young lady?

> Enter Name

UNINSPIRED SHREW

Well that wasn't very nice at all! We just wanted a name! Now look at her, she looks very sad that you said this. You must make amends at once!

CRASS RETARD

Thats the exact opposite of what was requested! Look at her now! A sad, nay, forlorn expression makes its way across her face.

WHINY CALLOW WRIGGLER

That wasn't even two words! Oh wonderful, she's crying now. Her salty purple tears are being released straight into the water around her. Just wonderful. See what you've done?

PATHETIC DAME

What? Just get out of here! Name someone else! It will be quite a while before she calms down. Go name someone else!

> Name someone else_

in topics:

• >Name someone else

We are subject to a stark change of scenery, and are now looking down upon a large expanse of tropical forest. Move in closer, and one can see that something is built around the largest and most towering of trees. Why, it's a hive. And.. oh dear what is with that big snake lounging in among the leaves? Looks like it would be pretty violent.. if it were awake. Looks like we're lucky!

>Sneak in closer

We can now see inside this young lady's respiteblock. There are.. skeletons! Everywhere! And a lank troll sitting at her desk, ticking and tacking away on her Husktop, all bundled up as if it was cold. What's up with this weirdo?

>Enter Name

Gross Hermit

>Okay that's very funny. But let's be serious for a minute.

Petulant Whelp

>Uhh she doesn't look like she takes kindly to that kind of..

Vapid Floosie

>Okay maybe we should get out of here, she's looking pretty angry, not to mention that noise coming from the roof..

>Name someone else else_
- Amsterdam, 3 years ago
• Our view now changes towards the top of a distant mountain. Upon closer inspection it appears that there is a small . . . balcony? What the fuck, who puts a balcony in a mountain?

We move in closer, we see that the balcony is decked out with some sweet tech shit, including a quantum telescopic apparatus, a magnetic pulse cannon and what appears to be the most comfortable adjustable lawn chair, ever. The balcony appears to lead inside the mountain, it is somewhat dark but lights from various high-tech machines can be barely seen.

We move in to get a closer look, suddenly our screen flickers, creates some sparks, and a pop-up window appears, saying "NOT NOW, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP CRAPDAMMIT!! I CAN HEAR YOU ALL THE WAY FROM IN HERE!!".

We quickly close the window and switch to someone else.

>Name someone else . . . in a very cautious manner_
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Name someone else

We are subject to yet another change of scenery. You see a brightly lit cave that can only be described as an explosion of color. Every inch of wall space that isn't covered in various posters has been painted on. The floor has also been painted on, and both it and the furniture are covered with various dolls, plushes, squiggles and figurines. There is a young troll standing in the middle of the room.

>Enter Name

UNIMAGINATIVE PRI- BANG!

He shot you! With a shotgun. You are bleeding! There will be no shenanigans except for his own under his roof, he says.

Ahem.

As demonstrated by your room, you have a variety of interests. You enjoy shitty comedy movies, shitty action movies, shitty romance stories, and shitty movies altogether. The same can be said for TV series you like. You like to PAINT, though you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You don't use chalk though, as can be seen by the brushes and- aw, where'd all your drawing implements go? Well whatever, they'll turn up sometime. Probably when you trip over them.

Anyway, where were you? Oh, right. You like to partake in VARIOUS FORMS OF ROLEPLAYING, and often employ your TITANIC COLLECTION of toys to fight miniature wars. Dragons, lizards, bugs, spiders and Squiggles, even when you're not physically playing with them you're usually running a giant scenario or two in your mind.

You are also attracted to SHINY THINGS, and are an avid collector of such items. Like that rare spindly- OOOHHHHH, SHINY. Lookit it, it's so pretty! You are transfixed by it's beauty. You watch the light bounce off the shiny object's polished surface. Wait, what were you doing? Right, right. Though you enjoy ROLEPLAYING, you have few friends that share your interest.

Your trolltag is spectacularHellion and you often go on insane tangents i mean what is a tangent anyway its like a line that crosses a circle once and whats up with circles where do they start youve never been able to figure it out
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• >Name someone else.

The scenery changes to a shoreline, a hive sitting alone amidst the crashing waves. A stilted structure only one story tall with a floating pier extending from the bottom, where a troll in a hoody sat waiting with pure black eyes staring into the ocean as if expecting something to happen.

Who is this mysterious individual?

>Enter Name

NOSY ASSHOLE

He smiles faintly, but seems fairly unfazed.

BORING BASTARD

He shrugs a bit and lets you continue on with your silly business.

EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE

He tilts his head gently, his blank eyes seeming to ask how much longer you plan to do this.

...

>Enter Name

You are a born MATCHMAKER, you revel in the meddling of others relationships in the creation of long term roms worth writing RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC MOVIES AND ROMCOMS about. You dream one day of joining the elite ranks of the IMPERIAL DRONES, despite your ignored inability to create a proper romance for yourself.

You enjoy MEDDLING with PEOPLE, helping them understand who they are and by extension how to find who they belong with. You also have a deep love for TROLL AND XENOPSYCHOLOGY the abstract ideas that make the alien mind tick and how the troll mind might comprehend them the kind of thing that keeps you up at night for ridiculous quantities of time.

You are a fan of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING, due to the fact that through the actions of a game master you have been able to fester quite a few Kismesis and Matespirits.

What will you do?

====>

A slimy red thing shoots from the waters below directly for the hooded troll, wraps around his neck, and pulls him into the terrors of the Alternian ocean!

Might as well check on someone else for now!

>Name someone else.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >NAME SOMEONE ELSE

Your view switches once again, this time to one of Alternia's many moons as it melts down into the horizon, becoming a fluid wriggling puddle atop the inky surface of the eel-infested waters from earlier. A small dot sits in the illuminated surface, the view magnifies to reveal a familiar looking boat with a familiar figure in it. The pole belonging to the stout troll with no patience for your brand of tomfoolery was now bent in an upside U shape, the reel whining as more line is rapidly pulled under the briney deep. He's hooked on to something big all right.

The young MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPER, or FisherTroll, braces himself between the seat and side of the boat. The reel finally stops spinning, he holds on tight, and the entire boat is dragged along by whatever nautical monster is at the end of the line. You know what would be a great thing to do right now? Give this guy a name.

>Enter Name

BUTTFACE McFUGLY

Oh, come on. That's not even an imaginative one. Uh oh, he's noticed you. Quick, type up a better name.

CRUSTACEAN FONDLER

That's just dumb. Oh crap, he got a hand free and now he's fiddling with a GRUBPDA.

melancholicChumly [MC] has blocked assholeReaders [AR], again.

Way to go, numbnuts.

>Go pester some other troll.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Go pester some other Troll

Oh look another sudden change of scenery. How surprising. Oh wait, no, there's still water... and something else. It almost looks like a gigantic beak. Wait wait wait something's not right here.

>Zoom out

You're now looking at the planet of ALTERNIA, a planet of TROLLS known for their...

>Skip the boring repetition and zoom to an adequate level that will continue the narrative

Fine. Be like that. You are now looking at a particular Troll's LUSUS, an oversized turtle-like creature, who is enjoying a refreshing drink of water. The view from earlier was obviously a close up of the LUSUS' mouth. Unfortunately the Troll living in this HIVE is nowhere to be seen, looks like we'll have to go look for someone else.

>Look for the Troll who lives here

You sure are stubborn. Fine. The view changes again and you're now looking at a young Troll standing in his RESPITE BLOCK. The walls are adorned with posters of FAMOUS COMPOSERATORUMS and in one corner there sits a GRAND GRUBIANO and a GRUBTAR. There is also a HUSKTOP lounging on a table, and of course a RECUPERACOON in it's own private corner. Give this fine Troll a name.

>Enter Name

EROGENOUS PAILPRANCER

What the hell? Ew! Seriously ewwww!! Why would you even try to joke about that? That is seriously messed up. Jegus what a horrible thing to say. That's it, you don't get any more chances. Name him properly this time, and be glad he didn't hear you the first time.

>Enter Name

You enjoy creating MUSIC using your GRAND GRUBIANO and your GRUBTAR. Unfortunately you are nowhere near as good as your heroes TROLL MOZART and TROLL SLASH. Speaking of which they recently teamed up to create a new ALBUM which you CAN NOT WAIT for it to be released, because that will be the BEST DAY EVER. You have high ambitions and wish to one day become a FAMOUS COMPOSERATORUM and create BEAUTIFUL TROLL MUSIC that will make every Troll cry tears of HATE and PITY. Every single troll. ALL OF THEM.

Fortunately you also have other INTERESTS such as your interest in EXTREME ROLE PLAYING, though more specifically FLARP, and even more specifically being CLOUDER in FLARP. This may or may not have something to do with your desire to ORGANIZE AND ORCHESTRATE EVERYTHING. It has become a habit that is BORDERING ON FETISHISTIC. You also possess MILD PSYCHIC ABILITIES and sometimes use them to ENHANCE YOUR MUSIC, which makes it SOUND TOTALLY AWESOME but often causes SEVERE DAMAGE to your HIVE.

Your Trolltag is eloquentOrchestrator | and you al-ways | make sure to speak | with e-ssen-tial | rhy-thmic paus-es

What will you do?

>Reztek: Examine inner workings of the piano looking thingy

We've already established that it's called a GRAND GRUBIANO but fine. Against your better judgment you walk over to the GRAND GRUBIANO, prop open the lid, and take a peek inside.

OH SWEET JEGUS THE SQUIRMING BITS, THE COLORS, THE SINEW, THE HORRENDOUS SLURRY OF ORCHESTRAL JUICES!

You quickly pass out after witnessing such horrible sights that were much better left unseen. Way to go. We better go look at someone else for the time being.

>Find someone conscious
- Arcanum, 3 years ago
• >Find someone conscious

Once again, our view changes. Slightly outside a COMMUNAL LAWN RING lies a CYLINDRICAL HIVE, its dark green visage providing a safe haven for one troll and his Lusus. The hive is oddly placed; close enough to the others to be part of the lawn ring, while simultaneously being OBVIOUSLY SEPARATE. You can tell, that the inhabitant is most likely a HUMONGOUS DOUCHETARD.

>Check out the hive's inhabitant.

Sitting in front of a HUSKTOP is a SOLITARY TROLL. His hair is rather short, and his horns, framing his chin like a pair of mandibles, seem INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE. The troll is typing away, pausing only momentarily to glare at his unwanted intruder.

>See what he's doing.

Weren't you paying attention? He's typing, numbnuts!

> Fine, jackass. See what he's typing.

The troll hastily closes minimizes the WORD DOCUMENT he was working on as you glance at the husktop's screen. He seems rather pissed that you tried to read over his shoulder. Don't you know any better than that?

>Enter name

SIGNUM AUCTOR

That's right! Your name is TERGUM CAPITI!

As always, YOU ARE IGNORED when you try to say your own name. To no one's surprise, this REALLY PISSES YOU OFF. Pretty much everything does.

You have an odd, almost fetishistic love of WRITING and HUMOR. For quite some time, you have aspired to join the CRUSHECKLERS, a vicious group of mercenaries who smite their targets through their hilariously hurtful insults. Unfortunately, you are ENTIRELY UNFUNNY. Whoops.

You consider yourself CREATIVE, despite the almost infinite EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY. You are often distracted by IDEAS and PLOTS, but you invariably fail to complete a work. Your trolltag is antipathicHopper, and you type with an []ver|_Y [yni[a|_ and ^^[]therfucking []bs[ene ^^anner.

You look slightly angrier than normal, so it would probably be a good idea for us to leave you be.

>Go find someone who's less of an asshat_
- Token, 3 years ago
• >Go find someone who's less of an asshat_

You are now a less asshattish troll. Let's take a look at you.
http://img703.imageshack.us/img703/9468/troll.png
You are here in the RESPITE BLOCK of your SUBTERRANIAN KITCHEN-HIVE, the lower levels of which you modeled after the IRON GOURMANCER KITCHEN ARENAS of old.

You have many INTERESTS, most of which involve COOKING, KILLING and EATING THINGS, not necessarily in that ORDER. You hope to someday join the ranks of the mighty GOURMANCERS, a brigade of powerful troll chefs who ravage worlds to harvest INGREDIENTS for DARING NEW RECIPES. Gourmancers live by a strict code, the basis of which being THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER. Weak trolls die from eating razor blades. A Gourmancer comments on the EXQUISITE FLAVOR of the steel coupled with the DELICATE TEXTURE of the finely-honed edges.

You practice your JUNIOR GOURMANCY SKILLS every day by eating and/or cooking anything you can find. It is a lot of FUN, and these days you only rarely cause SERIOUS LIFE-THREATENING DAMAGE to your digestive system! Clearly, you are getting STRONGER!

Your CORRECTIONAL ORTHODONTIC EQUIPMENT makes it hard to eat things sometimes, and that makes you SAD. But it's okay! They also make it harder for you to loose teeth when you EAT ROCKS! Which you DO SOMETIMES. Which, incidentally, is why you needed the BRACES in the FIRST PLACE.

Don't you look CUTE in your offical JUNIOR GOURMANCER'S GOURMANCY APRON?

Your trolltag is omnipotentOmnivore, and you shpeak with a shlight lishp thanksh to your braschesh. you alsho only ushe bite-shized lowercashe lettersh.

>Enter Name:

GLUTTONY NEEDSALIFE_

Gluttony is kind of an offensive word amongst Gourmancers. Maybe you should try something else.

I don't think the "Mc" prefix is understood outside of Earth society.

That's not very nice. Also, this joke is getting old.

GORRMA CAPRII_

Your name is GORRMA CAPRII. You are SIX SOLAR SWEEPS old.

What will you do?

>Retrieve arms from safe.
http://img813.imageshack.us/img813/4065/troll2.png
You already have arms! And they seem pretty safe at the moment!

>Examine husktop.
http://img703.imageshack.us/img703/802/troll3.png
Husktops aren't very tasty, so this one has lasted longer than most of your possessions. You're actually not sure why it still works after you took a bite out of the monitor. But whatever! You can use it to troll your friends!

>Troll friends

Good idea! You should go see who's online. I'm sure they'd love to hear about your latest CULINARY ADVENTURES with your Lusus, NOMMINGTON. Some of your FRIENDS pretend not to care, but you're sure that deep down they're all very interested in your pursuit of the ULTIMATE RECIPE, a dish so powerful it gives wheover eats it the strength to bite through mountains. I mean, who WOULDN'T be interested in hearing about you eating random stuff you find on the ground?
...
...
...
Okay, maybe not.

>Go name another troll.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• It appears it is now sunset on the mountain, and the troll living inside has finally woken up and has begun his daily routine of checking forums, blogs and program diagnostics that are so complex that even his supercomputer can take some to do.

This a peculiar troll, his horns bend backwards at the base and extend slightly beyond the head, adding to the large spike formation his hair forms on the back of his head. His face is strange, with flat teeth except for some slightly pointed ones on the top row but not quite the center YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, and his distinct shades hide his eyes, but a faint glow of a whirlpool pattern can be seen where his right pupil is probably hidden. He is wearing black pants and a t-shirt with the infinity symbol on it, and what appear to be some mint condition sneakers with some lights and circuitry showing on the surface. Other than that and a peculiar scar just above his left wrist he appears to be physically normal.

>Examine computer

You are about to examine the computer when suddenly you notice some movement near the ceiling. It appears the troll's lusus is a monkey, but with hawk feet instead of monkey feet and eagle wings on its back. The lusus looks at you and you feel very, very freaked out. Something about the way he looks at you makes him different from any other lusus you've seen.

Oh wait, it appears the troll is ready to make his intro.

>QUICK ENTER A NAME BEFORE HE DOES ANYTHING!!

A combination of the blood loss and your scare from when you last bothered him prevents you from thinking of a name.

--------------------------------

You enjoy WORKING WITH TECHNOLOGY, and have quite a knack for making it FUNCTION PROPERLY. Although you sometimes tend to make your inventions overcomplicated, you figure it is the sign of TRUE GENIUS. You are UNSURE OF YOUR FUTURE GOALS, but you figure ever since you KILLED THAT IMPERIAL DRONE a job among other trolls is out of the question. Maybe you will utilize your VAULT OF SWEET TECH SHIT to CONQUER THE WORLD, but that sounds like a lot of work and it might not be worth it.

Your other interests include THEORETICAL QUANTUM PHYSICS, but you don't do much in that area very often. But one of your interests is ROLEPLAYING GAMES, but not LARPing, you like to extend your imagination so you can actually see it, hence your quest for the ULTIMATE ROLEPLAYING GAME, but even with your supercomputer it's hard to create one.

Although you are a GENERALLY MUNDANE troll, you have made technological WEAPONS OF AWESOME. So far, your only working one is a special COMPUTER GLOVE that gives your hand IMMENSE STRENGTH AND REFLEXES. You would also like to have a MENTAL INTERFACE with your computer, but you have been unsuccessful and have sometimes HURT YOURSELF.

Your trolltag is technopathicalAnomaly and you type with a vErY jAggEd AccEnt.
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Log on to different account and bother that one guy again.

And we're back to that guy. Looks like his epic struggle with that goddamn fish is already over and he's tying it to the side of the boat. Jegus, look at the size of the sucker! It's bigger than the boat, how did he catch that with just a pole-and-line?

Anyway, since that's done, now would be a good time to na- What's he doing with that hook? Oh, he appears to be plunging into creature's belly and is now yanking out a tangle of its innards and throwing said innards into the water. And all of the fish monster's purple blood is spilling out like one of those small garden waterfalls. Lovely. Okay, enough messing around, lets get this over with. (And no, I don't care that I just ended that sentence with a preposition.)

> Sing a lively troll sea chantey.

Are you kidding? Would you look at him, I seriously don't think he's in a mood for merriment of any kind. Besides, you can't give him commands until you...

>Arf like a walrus and play a saxophone.

The troll has no intention of imitating the cry of your made up animal and there is not a single musical instrument around for miles. AND YOU CAN NOT GIVE ANY COMMANDS LIKE THAT UNTIL HE HAS BEEN PROPERLY NAMED.

>Look at the water churning.

Huh, look at that. The water around the boat really is churning. And there appear to some very large bothria rising out from the watery depths. And a lot of eerie wishpering.

>View underwater.

While it is true that there is but one Gl'Bgolyb on Alternia, there does exist an identical but much smaller species called D'lak'n. They are like motes compared to the genuine Rift's Carbuncle and they can't wipe out entire nations with their voices. Still, they're pretty darn big compared to a small boat, they can drive a person mad if they listen to the call for too long, and their favorite prey happens to be the kind of fish our un-named troll friend just gutted.

Coincidently, they themselves happen to be the favorite prey of Sea Jaguarens. There's always a bigger fish or a larger pack of ferocious marine carnivores as the case may be. Too bad there isn't a few of those things around.

The young Maritime Lifeform Reaper expectorates into the bubbling briney black waters and picks up his trusty pole-and-line. So, what do you think you should do now?

>Go name another troll.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Name another troll

It is now a bit later and the moons are high in the sky above the humid jungles we visited previously.

You know, where you were very rude?

>Spy on that troll girl again.

http://i1042.photobucket.com/albums/b422/halcyonCoils/srynxacolorsmall.jpg

It seems she's noticed you. I don't blame her for being wary, you were awfully mean to her earlier.

You believe yourself to be a skilled ASSASSIN even though you've only ever assassinated the HORRIBLE BEASTS that live in the LUSH JUNGLE surrounding your HIVE. To be fair they are VERY DANGEROUS but they are also PRETTY DUMB. But you are proud of your kills nonetheless.

Your lusus a huge feathered serpent and is KIND OF UNRULY when it comes to strangers, but insists on DOTING UPON YOU CONSTANTLY. He inhabits the branches of the tree your cylindrical HIVE is build around and hunts the many BEASTS of the forest when he's hungry. He is much BETTER at this than you and often brings you disgusting, partially digested leftovers. He can sort of SPEAK, but only through the use of MIMICRY.

It might be worth mentioning that you are ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY CHILLY ALL OF THE TIME and this is reflected in the fact that you are constantly wearing a SCARF, JACKET AND MITTENS. This more than likely due to the lower than normal temperature of your BLOOD.

Despite your love for killing stuff, you are not at all interested in FLARP or any sort of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING. Instead you spend your free time stuffing or reassembling the BONES of your lusus's uneaten kills into MACABRE STATUES that you decorate your hive with, inside and out. This and the fact that you live in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE and your VICIOUS LUSUS might explain why you never get any visitors. Not that you mind. You are quite social within your group of friends, even though you only ever talk to them via TROLLIAN.

Your Trolltag is halcyonCoils and you sspeak in a manner that'ss quite proper, but ssort of peppered with the accent you picked up from your lussuss.

What should you do?

>Do something interesting.

She fails to do anything interesting for the time being, as there are other trolls who still need introducing. Monopolizing the spotlight would be sso uncouth and downright crassss.
- Amsterdam, 3 years ago
• > Pass on aforesaid spotlight
You search for a troll to pass the spotlight on to.
This one seems good.
You turn your eye to the book-lined RESPITEBLOCK of yet another young troll.
...
Unfortunately, it does not actually contain anyone.

> Seek out troll
You appear to be in some sort of maze, composed entirely of shelves and filing cabinets. Somewhere here is the troll you are searching for. Where will you check?

> Search under TEENAGE TROLL
You are clearly unfamiliar with this hive. The logical place to search is always the last-

> TEENAGE TROLL
Don't say you weren't warned. You look up everything you find under TEENAGE TROLL and carefully examine it. Your findings are-

> Oh god what is this
You have just viewed everything there is to know and experience on the topic of TEENAGE TROLLS. You now know about all the relationships that have been and ever will be. All of them.

> search under something else oh gog QUICKLY
Search under which category?

> ANYTHING
You randomly choose a new keyphrase to search for. The keyphrase is 'NUDE MUSCLEBEAST ART'. You begin examining the data you fin-

> STOPSTOPSTOP
Can't just cancel a search! You've gotta start a new one.

> Search under, helpme, what's safe, what's safe, HATS.
Hats is indeed a safe topic. Nothing mentally scarring to be found under hats! Nope.
Unfortunately you take a wrong turn at shelf 352,5 and emerge in the HUNK RUMP section instead. You stare in awe. That's a lot of material to get through, so better hurry! You begin-

> WHYYYYYYY

-begin examining this potentially valuable information meticulously, your eyes gently, but intensely carressing every detail, your mind eagerly accepting the information delivered to it, as you devote yourself to this unforgettable search. You notice that you may need a towel.

> BRAIN BLEACH. SEARCH UNDER BRAIN BLEACH.
You look at the material filed under brain bleach, ready to sample everything, when you happen upon a young troll! What a wonderful surprise. You wonder what he was doing here.

> SWALLOW BRAIN BLEACH
If you'd like to use an item, you'll have to take it to the front desk and have it checked out by the librarian. But before you can interact with him, you will need to NAME him.

> Sob gently
There there. Now how about that name? Make it a good one.

>GLISTENING RUMPS_
Try again.

>SWEATY BEASTS_
Single-minded, aren't you?

> RELATIONSHIP CLUSTERFUCKS_
You'll never get that brain bleach at this rate. Come on, forget all of that. You can do it!

>SCALIS LECTOR
Well done! The young troll is pleased. Now, about those HUNK RUMP issues you wanted to check out...?

>ABSCOND
- Geminex, 3 years ago
• > Abscond.
You have successfully absconded. You now face the looming visage of the communal stem. From atop the penthive suite, a gaunt figure peers down upon you. The howl of the eastern wind, the screech of the ongoing construction, even the commanding voice of your own mind seem to be driven away at the sight of this troll.

A moment passes. She walks away from the window.

> What the hell's that noise?
The chilling sound of ragtime pierces the air. Or wait... no, that's big band music.. I think. I don't even know, it's like...rag band?...

> End that racket this instant.
You go up to her hovel to give that harpy a piece of your mind. You find the troll girl busying herself with some minor adjustments to her PENNY-FARTHING (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny-farthing). Her bowler hat and vest suit are completely inappropriate for such a task. She looks up as you enter, her eyes tiny and dark, like two drops of obsidian. She wasn't expecting visitors, yet remains nonplussed.

You can't do that because you haven't named her!

> Enter name.
HIPSTER SCU_

Just then, a manchilla leaps from out of your peripheral and performs an INCREDIBLY SHAMEFUL JIG.

>...
You are now VINTAG SOCIUS and your feathers are ruffled beyond belief. Vicki always pulls this crap with company over. You apologize profusely to your guest, and then begin a needless exposition.

>Expose it all.
Looking around your hive, it's surprising that your lusus is the only thing that embarrasses you. Film posters from the silent era cascade waves of gray-scale on the walls. Back in those times, speaking in a movie was considered highly treasonous under Alternian Law and any perpetrator was sentenced to a brutal execution. The penalty was later lessened to a severe beating and some jail time.

Your kitchen has been painstakingly demolished to resemble a RUNDOWN, GREASY DINER. In it, you make an assortment of flapjacks, ham hocks, and omelets, but mostly omelets.

Your PENNY-FARTHING is right beside you, of course. It serves as your primary means of transportation and general awesomeness. Your custodian, Vicki Minchilla, the Talking Manchilla, rides in back when the two of you go out to clubs to perform as a GUT-BUSTING COMEDY DUO.

Vicki is indisputably your closest companion, but he gets a little irritating now and again. You're always willing to talk to your other friends via Trollian. Your Trolltag is burlesqueBalderdash and you O>o communicate in a rapid staccato STOP

What now?

> Stumble upon new troll.
- The SSB Intern, 3 years ago
• >Stumble upon new troll_

And stumble you do, because it is fucking dark in here. Whoever the occupant of this particular respiteblock is, they sure aren't into turning on a light. In fact, the only two sources of illumination are the sunlight peeking through tattered blackout curtains and the glow of a computer monitor across the block, casting numerous impenetrable shadows about the walls. From what you can see, the place is a mess. An apparently uninhabited mess.

The only friendly face is a small statuette among a pile of other figures and dolls, all seemingly broken and torn apart by something. But this one statuette seems to be doin' fine. What a happy looking fellow he is, apparently some sort of idol likened in the image of an obscure religious sect devoted to the worship of clowns of a grim persuasion which may not be in full possession of their mental faculties. And this particular one even has a nice little suit! No wonder he has such a big ol' grin on face andOHSHIT!

Some sort of thrown weapon--curiously shaped like one of the planet's nocturnal fauna--spins out of the shadows and through the face of the clown statuette, shattering it to pieces! Its course curves backward, and you follow it back to its source, a young troll lurking in the darkness, wearing a black cape and cowl, through which his long, thin horns poke straight up through on either side of his head. Who could this mysterious person be?

>Enter name_

FATFUCK MCNERDBURGER

His eyes narrow behind the mask, clearly unimpressed with your naming acumen. Perhaps a more suitable alternative is in order.

PERMAVIRGIN WEDGIEBA///

One of his bizarre boomerangs slices through the name input window! Are you dense? Are you retarded or something?

>Enter goddamn name_

You are an avid fan of ILLUSTRATED SERIALIZED PERIODICALS, particularly those involving EXCEPTIONAL HEROIC TROLLS OF VARYING SPECIAL ABILITIES. Your all-time favorite, however, is the NOCTURNAL WINGEDRAT VIGILANTE, who has no extraodinary powers beyond his own WILL, INGENUITY, AND PREPAREDNESS. So much do you look up to this heroic troll that you strive everyday to be just like him, donning a HOMEMADE REPLICA COSTUME and training ever so hard to live up to your idol.

Sadly, you are not very good at it, as your ability to intimidate the SUPERSTITIOUS AND COWARDLY LOT leaves much to be desired, you are absolutely terrible at maintaining a SECRET IDENTITY, and you possess neither the VAST FORTUNE of the Vigilante's superior bloodcaste, the GENIUS INTELLECT, the many years of DISCIPLINED TRAINING, nor a MAJOR METROPOLITAN HIVEBLOCK in which to patrol. To make matters worse, you are of the rare breed of troll capable of braving the light of the HARSH ALTERNIAN SUN, and as a result you don't like to stay up too late otherwise you just feel groggy all day.

Still, the honing of your DETECTIVE SKILLS is coming along nicely and you boast an IMPRESSIVE HEARING ABILITY.

Your trolltag is vengefulRodentia and you speak in a... haltingly GRUFF and... INTENSE... goddamn bat-manner.

What will you do?

>Abscond into the shadows and be another troll_
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• You try to be Aldurin, but he instantly rejects you and the best you can do is approach him in his hive. He appears to be very busy working on something. You figure you might as well call him a name since you didn't get the chance earlier.

NERDY MCNERDFACE OF NERD-oh shit he heard that

Aldurin turns around, his lab coat swishing behind him and he does his best to scare you off.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/aldurinheromode.jpg

The psychotic look combined with the circuits in his shoes shooting sparks causes you to quickly abscond.

>Find a troll that'll continue the damn series of events
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Find a troll that'll continue the damn series of events

We return to the original troll from the start. The view pans out from the cliffside near Aldurin and trudges its way over to the biting snow and cold of the ALTERNIAN POLAR CAPS. Underneath the ice and snow, in the still waters, we enter the large stately manner of the aquatic aristocrat. A huge MANTA RAY with serated fins patrols the area around it, but you are ignored as you zoom inwards.

She appears to have calmed down now, and is standing in a large ART STUDIO in the bottom of the hive. She is surrounded by BOWLS of paint, spanning many colors.

How about we actually describe her appearance now? Her horns twist around three times before ending in thin, sharp points. Her black hair reaches down her shoulders in the back and her bangs obscure most of her forehead as well. She carried the typical light gray skin of most nautical trolls along with two gills. She wears a very messy art smock, splattered with colors. If one squinted really hard, that could see a very faded visage of a snowflake on it. Otherwise, she is wearing a long black skirt, and a purple beret sits between her two horns. What is this girl's name then? Be polite this time.

>Enter name

IDIO-

The name is rejected pre-emptively.

>Fine then, enter new name.

You have a variety of INTERESTS. You fancy yourself quite an artist. You try not to be trapped by mediocrity though, and instead strive for greatness. How you manage to accomplish this task underwater is an enigma to all. You alsoenjoy carving sculptures from the large chunks of ICE around your hive. Its always cold here, so they never melt. You decide to turn in on painting for the day and head upstairs.

On the first floor of the MANOR you find the other objects of your intrigue. You are a passionate collector and connoisseur of many ANTIQUES, RELICS, and ARTIFACTS of the past. You would never go out and get them by yourself of course, that would be much too dangerous. However, you are willing to pay top dollar and barter vigorously with the many ADVENTURERS and FLARPERS who come across these lost treasures. It is with these assortment of items you run a sort of makeshift MUSEUM inside of your hive. You only get guests rarely though. Some of these nic-nacs are indeed CHEAP PIECES OF SHIT, but unbeknown to you, many of them are WEAPONS AND DOOMSDAY DEVICES of the ancients. They were presumably left behind by NEGLECTFUL PRECURSORS to spite the children of Alternia's future.

Some of these items are rather subtle in design, like the RHYTHMIC CLOCKWORK CARRIER, a large system of cogs and gears that power enough instruments to constitute a full band. If you looked deeper inside of the machine, you would find that the fanciful music box actually contains a mutated strain of the deadly TROLL PLAGUE, though to wiped out, hidden inside a vial within the engine. One press of a button from the detonator is all it takes to have the virus emitted from the trumpets. Fortunately, the switch is missing, and one would have to fish it out manually.

Others are really more obvious though. One example of this is BEAUFORT'S BLUTSAUGER, which is a large weapon in the shape of a shotgun. You keep it locked up in a glass display case under lock and key. You believe it to be broken, but it is actually in full working order. The bloodshed that could occur if it happened to fall into the wrong hands would be incredible.

Anyways, this is getting boring. You decide to head outside as the camera zooms off to view someone else.

>Someone else do something else.
- Bard The 5th LW, 3 years ago
• Glissa: Be Hearts Boxcars.

You are now Leraje.

He seems to have escaped his watery fate, though not without being a little bit soaked. The ensuing battle was probably pretty cool. If the author had any drawing skills it would have been a doozy of an underwater showdown. With swinging chains and shooting tongues, and amputation. Just imagine that. Imagine it animated. With adventurous music in the background.

...

Oh yeah, that would have been sweet.

>Examine Leraje

A relatively thin troll, he has a pair of pure black eyes that make it difficult to tell exactly what he is looking at along with a pair of half framed glasses. He is wearing a grey zip up hoody, with a pair of holes for his horns, relatively short and shooting back on his head. He has a black shirt under the hoody with a strange alien symbol, which supposedly deals, in a complicated way, with a strange alien emotion called friendship. His pants and boots are also black. He is currently missing one of his arms.

Oh wait, there it is.

>Examine amputated arm.

Chewing on the arm is a gigantic salamander, who is currently missing his tail. This is Seymour. He's Leraje's lusus, and he is fond of attacking him when he least expects it in order to keep him on his toes. He is otherwise nice enough, and fairly low maintenance.

Leraje: Get trolled by technopathicalAnomaly

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling absentPsychologist [AP]
TA: I'vE gOt thIs rObObIOnIcs prOjEct
TA: wAnt tO trY A prOtOtYpE Arm?
AP: Fuck you and die.
absentPsychologist [AP] blocked technopathicalAnomoly [TA]

You wonder why that guy still tries to talk to you. After he falsified a pail to the Imperial Drones, and had the gall to murder one he has been on your shitlist. Beyond relative redemption, and ever on the plotomoeter for horrible death. He knows you feel this way, because every time he tries to talk to you it pretty much goes exactly like that. And yet he persists! MADDENING!

Uh oh...where did Seymour go?

====>

Oh man those two are at it again. Better leave them to their epic battle to look at someone else...don't you give me that look. Be somebody else.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• > Be somebody else.

Your INCREDIBLY INAPPROPRIATE headwear should cause immense embarressment and shame to ANYONE. But YOU, are unflinchingly unabashed by the SHEER PERVERSITY of wearing the tool of procreation atop your CRANIUM, much to the BLUSHING DISMAY of trolls anywhere in your immediate VICINITY! You merely SMIRK exceedingly as you point to all sorts of joyous ODDITIES! Your HORNS curiously stem from the REAR of your head DESCENDING until it is a bit more than SHOULDER length! Not a troublesome issue unless someone pushes BACKWARDS ON TOP of them. But any Troll worth their horns know how much of a social faux pas THAT would be...

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a106/Menarker/Symbol.jpg

Your trolltag is butketHed and you speak fluently but expressively with emotioncons and esciplises... =P

What name, will you tell customers, belongs this outrageously bold trafficker?

> Enter Name:

Obscene Pornking

Perfidious Vendor

You scowl at the libelous allegation with a barely veiled intent to do grievious wanton infliction of taxing punishments...

Sharl Welatrotter

In your head, you suddenly hear a brief but charming egg-timer chime as if in grand approval. SHARL WELATROTTER. SEVEN SOLARSWEEPS OLD.

What will you do?

A CAPITAL idea! As wonderful a dream it would be to endlessly go DOOR TO DOOR, selling breathtaking and precious goods for EQUITABLE and ENVIABLE PREMIUM, the reality is that inventory worth selling don't just fall out of the sky!

> Be someone else...
- Menarker, 3 years ago
• Sharl: Be Potted Plant

You are now a potted plant. Your interests include PHOTOSYNTHESIS and ABSORBING NUTRIENTS with your ROOTS. What will you do?

> Photosynthesize

You successfully PHOTOSYNTHESIZE. You gain SUGAR. You release OXYGEN.

> Ok this is dumb.

A shadow is now blocking the light. You fail to PHOTOSYNTHESIZE. You need more NATURAL LIGHT.

> Potted Plant: Be something interesting.

You are now Rektek. You have recently regained consciousness. What will you do?

> Make a memo

You are pretty bored and eagerly awaiting the start of a MYSTERIOUS NEW GAME. You decide to organize a bulletin board so that all your friends can get excited about this new game together, instead of getting excited in private conversations. You sit down in front of your HUSKTOP and create a new BULLETIN BOARD with an AWESOME NAME.

eloquentOrchestrator [EO] RIGHT NOW opened public linear bulletin board Musical Rumpus Dance Party
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EO RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Musical Rumpus Dance Party
EO: | Right looks like this | is all set up | I fig-ured we | should start one of | these lit-tle things | e-ven-tua-ly |
EO: | So why not get | star-ted talk-ing | to each oth-er | be-fore jump-ing | right in-to this | brand new game thing |
EO: | What was the name? |
EO: | Oh yeah SGRUB right? |
EO: | T-A is it | you who's wor-king | on ma-king it? | I know you love | your com-pu-ters |
EO: | Well an-y-way | I can't wait to | start play-ing with | all of you guys |
EO: | Uh-oh I can | hear my lu-sus | get-ting up-set |
EO: | Be back real soon |

You hear a noise coming from downstairs. It sounds like profound sorrowful sigh. Your lusus must be worried about something.

> Investigate lusus

You leave your RESPITE BLOCK and enter a long hallway with several doors leading to other rooms. These rooms contain various MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS but you tend to keep your favorites in your respite block. You enter the first door on your right, which leads to a staircase, and head downstairs to your lusus' room. You reach the bottom and open the door to the largest room in your hive.

> Examine room

The room takes up half of the lower level of your hive. The wall behind you and the ceiling are flat, but the far walls are as curved as the outer walls of your Hive, which is a good thing considering they ARE the outer walls of your Hive. Upon closer inspection you notice the floor of the room is covered with MAJESTIC WHITE SAND that was brought to your hive through the laborious efforts of dozens of CARPENTER DRONES from various MAJESTIC BEACHES. Also, a large portion of the room seems to have been flooded with PRISTINE PURE WATER. This would be a cause for concern if the flooding wasn't intentionally. It is clear this room was designed specifically for the comfort of your lusus.

Speaking of which, your lusus, an extremely large turtle with a spiked shell, is currently lounging on the MAKESHIFT BEACH. This is odd because usually your lusus tends to lounge in the water. This is particularly worrisome because your lusus is very SENSITIVE TO ITS ENVIRONMENT and could possibly DIE if any DRASTIC CHANGES were to suddenly occur.

> Name lusus

Do you really think it's an appropriate time for that? Your lusus is obviously in severe discomfort.

> Name lusus "Shelly"

If it will move this along then fine, you have names your lusus "Shelly"

> See what's wrong with Shelly

It is rather obvious what is wrong with Shelly, she's not lounging in the water.

> Examine water

You approach the shore and are immediately accosted by an EEL OF UNFAVORABLE INTENTIONS. The little bulge biter must have slipped in through the filtration system. Its ELECTRIC SHOCK DEFENSES are probably what stopped Shelly from dealing with the problem herself.

> Prepare to STRIFE

STRIFE

>> AGGRIEVE

You don't have a weapon allocated to your STRIFE SPECIBUS and cannot AGGRIEVE.

> Play an epic battle song on PORTABLE KEYBOARD

You start slamming your fists onto random keys. You're too busy tuning your PSYCHIC RESONANCE to the SOUND WAVES to worry about playing an actual song. The resulting shock wave sends the EEL flying across the room where it slams into the far wall, reducing it to a bloody paste. Fortunately the mess is right above one of the many filters and won't contaminate the water. Unfortunately the wall gains all the experience from the kill.

WALL LEVELS UP!!!
The WALL climbs to the rank of STURDY PROTECTION BARRIER on its ECHELADDER.

Shelly heaves an appreciative sigh and makes her way back to the water.

Whatever happens next will probably be extremely boring in comparison to the previous battle. Better go check in with someone else until something interesting happens again.
- Arcanum, 3 years ago
• Aldurin is now allowing you to be Aldurin, but only for now.

> Review Sgrub code

You've already done that twice, and you have to say that it was pretty awesome. You're sure it has compatibility with everyone's computers by now, and you'd rather not turn on your computer just to suddenly turn away and thereby allow your lusus to hijack your Trollian account.

>Initiate the only flashback sequence that will probably matter so far.

You remember back to how you got the code for Sgrub.

You are now Aldurin in the past, approximately several orbital cycles of Alternia's moon in the past. What will you do?

>Shop for sweet tech shit

Unfortunately, Grubslist and Trollbay are offline, you'll have to resort to a trader to find something. There is one troll who is known to get her hands on anything and everything over a large history with trading. Might as well ring her up.

-- technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling bathorysIllustrator [BI] --

TA: hEy, dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt mIght IntErEst mE? lIkE A "sUpErwEApOn" mAybE?
BI: Who are you?
BI: I don't own any "superweapon".
TA: dAmmAt, It's AldUrIn. dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AwEsOmElY tEchnOlOgIcAl thEn?
BI: OH! My antique collectione! You must be referring to that!
BI: Are you interested in barteringe with me then?
TA: yEs, I'vE dEvElOpEd mAnY dIffErEnt tEchnOlOgIEs yOU mIght bE IntErEstEd In.
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt yOU hAvE nO IdEA whAt It dOEs bUt It lOOks AdvAncEd?
BI: Oh yes! I do indeed!
BI: So many neat objectse gathered by tons of Flarpers! Some of them are really quite interesting.
TA: AnY Of thEm fIt mY dEscrIptIOn? If nOt thEn fInd sOmEthIng thAt lOOks ExtrEmEly dAngErOUs bUt yOU stIll dOn't knOw whAt It dOEs.
BI: Oh I couldn't imagine any of my relics to be dangerouse!
BI: Quite a few do seem very advancede for there time though!
BI: Where is your hive at? Not many trolls live close by.
TA: I lIvE On A rEmOtE mOUntAIn, sOmE 500 trOllOmEtErs nOrth Of thE EqUAtOr.
TA: I'm trAckIng yOUr sIgnAl tO OnE Of thE pOlAr cAps, Is thIs cOrrEct?
BI: :O
BI: How did you know I lived there?
BI: You must be very smarte!
TA: It's OnE Of thE bEnEfIts Of mY wOrk. sO dO yOU hAvE AnYthIng thAt lOOks AdvAncEd, pOssIbly shIny?
BI: Many!
BI: But one in particular I got a sweepe back might interest you!
BI: It looks oddly like a telescope, but it has a very heavy base!
TA: thAt's cOOl, whAt wOUld yOU lIkE In rEtUrn? I hAvE mAnY tEchnOlOgIEs thAt ArE UsEfUl In An ArctIc EnvIrOnmEnt.
BI: The colde has never been a problem for me!
TA: dO yOU hAvE AnY IncOnvEnIEncEs? AnYthIng thAt bOthErs yOU bUt yOU're nOt sUrE hOw tO fIx?
BI: Oh waite! Yes!
BI: I have been working on ice sculptures recently! But my chisele can't cut into anything well enoughe!
BI: Would you have somethinge?
TA: I dO hAvE A mOdIfIEd lOw-rEcOIl chAInsAw bUIIt wIth dAImOnd tEEth And cOmplEtElY IdIOt/sUIcIdE prOOf.
TA: It wIll dEfInItElY cUt yOUr IcE wIth prEcIsIOn, And It's lIghtwEIght tOO.
TA: YOU'll bE mAkIng mAstErpIEcE scUlptUrEs In nO tImE!!
BI: It sounds like a goode deale!
BI: The scope was taking up a lot of room anywyas. :/.
BI: Maybe I can move something else in.
TA: It's A grEAt dEAl fOr bOth Of Us thEn, I'll bE On mY wAY Up In A fEw dAYs tO mAkE thE trAdE.
TA: sOUnd cOOl?
BI: I'll be waiting on the topside then!
BI: And maybe while you're there you can examine the ruins!.
TA: rUIns?
BI: Yes! Its a large temple that lies neare my Hive.
BI: I like to show visitors around it.
TA: hAvE yOU EvEr fOUnd AnYthIng IntErEstIng In It?
BI: Oh there is all sorts of writing on the walls!
BI: I don't really understand it, but someone once told me it was a code.
BI: I think I've seen some platforms and a large pedestal with a timer as well.
BI: Some broken monitorse are also lying around, but my lusus doesn't want me exploring ant further into it.
TA: yA, lUsII ArE wIErd, It sOUnds lIkE It's wOrth chEckIng OUt
TA: hE wAs On bOArd UntIl thE tEmplE, dOn't knOw whY
TA: I'll ActUAllY bE thErE tOmOrrOw tO mAkE thE trAnsActIOn OncE I mAkE sUrE thE chAInsAw Is sAfE And fUnctIOnAl.
BI: Wonderful! I'll be waitinge for you then!

-- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has ceased trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA] --

Well you've learned some important lessons from that. One, the fact that she mistakes a cannon for a telescope indicates Glissa won't be very reliable for finding anymore stuff. Two, you've discovered the moral dilemma of why would you trade with her a cannon she doesn't know how to use and give her a chainsaw you're gonna teach her how to use. Three, there is apparently technology in some ruins, either that or that naive girl mistook some carvings for circuitry. Might as well check it out while you're there.

>Use cannon to launch yourself to Glissa's hive

You're going to the hive to buy the cannon, dumbass!! You equip your thermal lab coat that proved to be a life-saver when you tested the freeze ray, and grab your jet shoes.

>Time lapse to the next day

You are now on the beach outside of Glissa's hive, partially due to the error that you didn't anticipate her being an aquatic troll. But you probably should have figured that out with her signal coming from a negative elevation.

Glissa pops out of the water nearby, somehow lugging what appears to be an ancient pulse cannon twice her size. How she managed to drag it without using her Sylladex or why she wouldn't use her Sylladex is beyond your understanding.

You make the trade and give her a quick tutorial on the chainsaw, and by sheer luck she doesn't accidentally kill you with it during that lesson.

>This is boring, time lapse to the temple

It is now five minutes later and you are outside of the frog temple. Glissa is acting as the guide, which you figure is okay as long as she walks in front, and she seems to know exactly where to go.

--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--
TA: dammit Aldurin, I told you not to go in there
TA: gEt Off mY dAmn cOmpUtEr!! whY wOn't yOU mAkE yOUr Own AccOUnt?
TA: what you find in that temple will have drastic consequences, I'm serious.
TA: whAtEvEr
--technopathicalAnomaly [TA] blocked technopathicalAnomaly [TA]--

You swear, that lusus is a real basketcase. He claims to live for centuries and not originally be a lusus, which is definitely a load of crap, and he insists on using Trollian but won't make his own account. It doesn't help when he starts pondering whether or not longevity is a gift or a curse.

This has got to be one of the dumbest ruins, ever, of all time. It looks like a temple for worshiping frogs. Nothing here seems to be of troll design, and you begin to wonder if your lusus is really as old as he is.

Glissa has somehow not gotten both of you lost, leading you to a room with a device that looks like a bulb and- OH SHIT THAT'S A COUNTDOWN ON THAT THING WITH 30 SECONDS LEFT!!

You quickly grab Glissa and abscond outside of the temple, you hope that the structure can contain most of the blast. Your head-in-the-clouds companion claims that it was always counting down, even when she first saw it.

Now this is even worse, it's probably motion activated and stuck on 5 seconds now. You decide the best plan of action is to send Glissa in by herself to check on it in order to reduce losses in case of an explosion.

*A minute of tense waiting later*

You decide that if anything is gonna happen then it would have already happened. Might as well go in there and get her corpse back to the ocean.

You find Glissa at the bulb/bomb, somehow alive. The countdown is at zero and the bulb has . . . bloomed? That's it? If you were to put a countdown on something it would definitely do something more drastic than bloom. It appears the bulb contains two discs, each with one of those weird mathematical shapes on the top.

You have no means of examining it here at this giant pile of stones. Glissa allows you to take it with you, apparently she figures that her lusus will calm down once it's gone.

>un-initiate flashback sequence

So now here you are, at the present. Damn program took you months to convert to binary and then to proper troll programming languages. But it looks worthwhile. From what you can tell from the markup, it's a game that's been enhanced down to the last detail to the point that it probably looks real when installed.

In fact, the only thing that keeps you from installing it is that it requires multiple people to work, apparently each person serves as a "client" to one and a "server" to the other. You've been getting all of your contacts informed of this game, and have sent word that you'll send it out once you finished burning enough discs. Apparently the game is so huge that both the client and server programs require separate discs.

The only thing that you know for sure is that this is going to be the best game you've ever played and probably will play.

>Now that we know that stuff can we please go back to being another troll?
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• > Be the troll with the hive full of mentally scarring things.

You are now SCALIS LECTOR.

You are Alternia's youngest KEEPER OF TOMES AND ARTIFACTS IN A CENTRALIZED ARCHIVE. This may be because you are currently also the only troll on Alternia to hold such a position. Your hive is the great LIBRARCHIVARY of the troll world, which you inhabit alongside your LUSUS. Your tasks as LITERAPPRENTICE include managing, organizing and restoring COLLECTIONS, maintaining and updating FILES AND CATALOGUES, patrolling the NETHER ARCHIVES for signs of ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS OUT FOR DESTRUCTION SPRINGING FROM THE FELL DEPTHS OF THE LIBRARCHIVARY, battling DEADLY LITERARANOMALIES, uncovering your hive's DARK AND APOCALYPTIC SECRETS and making sure that SILENCE is maintained at all times within the reading halls.

When you are not engaged in fullfilling your duties, or learning the arts of the great WARCHIVISTS, you enjoy reading anything that strikes your fancy. This includes anything from OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TEXTS, most of which YOU DOUBT EVEN THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR WOULD UNDERSTAND, to one of your many, many favorite SERIES. You have even contributed to the LIBRARCHIVARY'S extensive collection with your own UTTERLY UNINTELLIGIBLE WRITING on topics such as THE NATURE OF THE NATURE OF LITERATURE; VERY ABSTRACT META-STRATEGY and LIGHTING: A MIRACLE? You are extremely proud of your works, though you have yet to write adequate entertainment.

Despite your position, you are horrible at ORGANISATION OF ANY SORT. You frequently have difficulty arranging your trains of thought, let alone an entire LIBRARCHIVARY. You live in a place where literally everything exists, yet you are GODAWFUL AT FINDING ANYTHING SPECIFC. When you rearranged your fling system recently, you managed to misfile your RESPITEBLOCK and you have no idea where it is now located. Certainly not under R.
Your failure to bring order is a frequent CAUSE FOR FRUSTRATION, though you are making progress!
Probably.

When cosnerving wiht osther, you are follarmy oquelnet and tend not to ues cantrictoons.Your trotllag is pandorasArchivist and your disorzanigation is refcelted by the mirrassangement of lettesr wihtin your wrods.

But you have work to do. The MANIFETATIONS have been restless indeed, and while you're not quite sure what they are, you certainyl don't want to let them MANIFEST any more than they have. Time to take your ARCHIVISTS TOME OF OFFICE and get back on patrol. With any luck, you will avoid your lusus in the progress. He does not like you to PATROL.

> See what else is going on.
- Geminex, 3 years ago
• >See what else is going on.

You are now SYRINXA SORIDA and you're.. oh god what is all that smelly garbage?

>Examine smelly garbage.

It turns out it is actually NOT smelly garbage, but rather bowls upon bowls made of rock and bone full of sizzling, bubbling and seething liquids, you don a protective mask and thick gloves, and resume poking and prodding their contents with various stirrers.

>Insist that it is smelly garbage and cover your nose.

You frown and dump one bowl into another, mixing the hissing liquids with one another and shielding your face with her arm against the cloud of acrid smoke that the union created. But once the smog clears she looks rather pleased, and dumps the now yellowish green liquid into a glass test tube and places it on a large shelving unit with many containers like it, in varying shades of brown and green and other gross looking colors.

>Taste sludge.

Fool! This is an extremely DANGEROUS toxin made from some of the most poisonous creatures and plants of the forest. Who are you anyway, OO? That sounds like a suggestion she would make. You have serious reservations about ever letting her near your laboratory.. But no. You're not going to eat it.

>Arm yourself!

Your hand floats over the various toxins and venoms in your arsenels, finally choosing a jade green liquid. The tube smokes when you uncap it, and you dump the contents into an empty bowl. You then busy yourself dipping the pointed tips of feathered darts into the bowl. This looks like it will take a while.

>Be someone who's doing something less boring and smelly.
- Amsterdam, 3 years ago
• >Be someone who's doing something less boring and smelly.

You are now Ballaa.

>Continue investigation.

You have been compiling evidence for weeks now in the case of a highly unorthodox robbery of a groceteria located in the general vicinity of one of your allies, wherein a ludicrous amount of the business' merchandise went missing. Newsgrub moltings, possible motives, suspect profiles, and imagery of evidence found at the crime scene litter the far wall above your recuperacoon, all connected by threads leading you to the only possible perpetrator.

But as much as it pains you, you have to accept that the burglar was your friend all along. But justice shall not be bound by the chains of endearment!

>Leap to the Batcomputer and confront the evildoer!

You have no idea what a "Batcomputer" is. Or a what a sporting club has to do with anything.

>Fine. Leap to the Wingedratcomputer and--

Actually, now that you think about it, there is an archaic highblood term for wingedrats that you believe may have been "bats," but it's probably something you'll have to look up. In the meantime, it certainly does have a nicer ring to it so maybe for the sake of saving time you might start making use of the vernacular. If nothing else, it does put your own sort of flair to...

>Just get to the goddamn computer already!

You leap to the Batcomputer and confront the evildoer! The only way you can! On the internet! You make sure to glower as fearsomely as you possibly can, despite the fact that no one can see you doing it.

-- vengefulRodentia [VR] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --

VR: all right caprii... it's OVER.
VR: ...
VR: i KNOW it was... you.
VR: fess up. NOW.
Oh yes, you can feel it. The fearsome glowering is just permeating terror through the internet's many tubes!

>Nope, too silly. Be another troll.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• >Nope, too silly. Be another troll.

You are now GORRMA. You are in the middle of a snack break when you hear your HUSKTOP's message alert. Oh look, someone is TROLLING you! What a nice surprise! Who could that be?

>Stop speculating and go see.

But you're in the middle of a snack! Don't you want to finish your delicious plate of--

>DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE; NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S EATING.

Fiiine. You put down your..... snack.... and go to your husktop.

Uh oh, it's the Wingedrat afficionado. You hope he's not trying to pin the "criminal theft" of his lost superheo periodicals on you again. You didn't eat them, you swear. You don't like the taste of the yellow-colored ink.

VR's an okay guy, you guess, as long as you don't accidentally start talking about crime or lusii or darkness or wingedrats around him. Wonder what he wants.

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] began trolling vengefulRodentia [VR].
OO: oh, hi vengie.
OO: what are you talking about?
OO: ish thish a game? did i missh the memo? i didn't know we were playing anything today. that'sh cool, though!
OO: oh, am i the shupervillain?
OO: am i a pretty shupervillain?
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• ======>

VR: i...
VR: ...
VR: i GUESS you can be a... PRETTY supervillain...
VR: if that's what you want.
VR: but that's NOT important... not right now.
======>

You have to be careful with this one. She might be playing the role of the oblivious flirt, but you know that the torment of guilt surely stings underneath the facade. This may be just a game to her, but it's not a game she can ever win. You've got the case locked up tight. The target of the crime. The bite marks on the walls. The rampant devouring of the merchandise. The authorities chalk up the culprit as an errant member of the local fauna that had wandered into the nourishment district, but you know better.

You know the truth. You always know.

======>

VR: the CRIME committed... it could have... ONLY been you.
VR: only one appetite... great enough...
VR: forty cakes were... stolen, miss caprii.
VR: ...FORTY.
VR: do you have... any idea... just how MANY that is?
======>
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• ======>

What's he talking about? Of COURSE it's important! If you're gonna play a game, you want to know if you get to be a pretty supervillain like FELINE FEMALE or TOXIC FOREST VINE, or if Ballaa is just calling you to play some lame villain that nobody else wants to play, like OBESE FLIGHTLESS ARCTIC BIRD or something.

======>

Oh...
Oh, he's being serious.
You begin to feel OFFENDED.

OO: oh, sho shomething goesh misshing and you automatically shushpect me.
OO: that'sh kind of rude, ballaa
OO: i mean, i like cakesh ash much ash the next troll, but why would i shteal them when i could make them myshelf?
OO: (i do make a really good grob-berry cake, by the way! i can shend you shome if you want.)
OO: well anyway, couldn't it have been shome of the local fauna wandering into the nourishment dishtrict that ate all the cakesh?
OO: there'sh lotsh of big hungry animalsh around here; i should know. i eat them.
OO: and i mean, forty cakesh is a lot for one troll to eat. forty cakes!
OO: that'sh as many as four tensh!
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• ======>

VR: ...yes.
VR: four... tens...
VR: and that's TERRIBLE.
======>

This isn't going as well as you'd hoped. Your surprise interrogation doesn't seem to be breaking her. Maybe you're not glowering at your monitor hard enough. You'll have to work on that.

Still, you never really felt deceit was her thing. Maybe you missed a connection somewhere down the line. Another suspect you weren't aware of. Maybe it really was just some stupid hungry fauna. You'd hate to lose a friend simply because you made a mistake in your investigation. Sure, you know it's nothing personal, that justice is blind. Blind as a wingedra--wait. Bat. Blind as a bat!

You're still getting used to the adoption of the archaic vernacular.

Anyway, maybe you should try to save face a little here, eh?

======>

VR: it... MIGHT have been fauna...
VR: there were... scrapings... around the bite marks at the scene.
VR: possibly created by... braces...
VR: but it COULD have been.... nothing more than a flaw...
VR: ...
VR: in the crime scene imagery i pulled from the internet.
VR: even still... i would FEEL more comfortable knowing your whereabouts... on the night of the crime.
VR: and maybe trying some of that... grob-berry cake you offered IF i haven't pissed you off too much.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• >Ballaa: Be someone less ridiculous.

You fail to be someone less ridiculous.

You are now Zebrek.

>Zebrek: Resist the urge to squawk like a parrot and shit on your desk.

You fail to resist the urge.

Except while you're squawking on the way to your desk you trip on one of your toys and fall.

>Zebrek: Shoot the offending toy.

Count de Snifferswibbles has tripped you for the LAST TIME.

>======>

Count de Snifferswibbles is now a scorch mark, indentations on the floor and bits of fluff.

JUSTICE.

>Zebrek: Examine walls.

Completely forgetting what you were going to do before, you examine your artwork. It started as unintelligible doodles describing imaginary adventures until you ran out of wall space. At which point, you began to draw over the existing paintings. The cycle continued until your walls were just a giant multicolor mess. And you still keep painting on them.

>Zebrek: Be someone less ridiculous.
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• Leraje: STRIFE!

You figure you've left them hanging long enough.

Leraje: Do the First Fight

The tongue had dragged you under the water, your lusus on the other end ready to take a bite out of your skull.
AUTO-PARRY!
You quickly equip your trusty chain and wrap it around the gaping maw of your lusus with the same speed he got your neck. Allowing you to avoid being chewed for a moment and causing enough pain to stop his grip on your throat.
ASCEND!
You swim quickly toward the surface, not inheriting Seymour's massive lung capacity and knowing a fight down here is just asking for trouble.
CAN'T ASCEND, BOY!
Seymour quickly shakes from his chain muzzle and shoots his tongue back up, pulling Leraje back to the battle at hand.
ENTER CINEMATIC

But soon enough you see nothing at all.

Leraje: Wake up!

You wake up in your Respiteblock, next to your husktop. You push yourself up with your right arm you fail to push yourself up with your right arm, due to it no longer being attached to your body. You instead are forced to drag yourself up by your left. You look over your shoulder, Seymour smugly chews on the limb.
Jerkface.
You decide to check on that whole new game thing while there is a pause in the violence. It'll be a little while till the limb comes back after all.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• > Be the other troll.

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f362/Arhra/Trollstuck/iropic1.png

It's dark, you're indoors and you're wearing sunglasses. You are a troll on a mission.

> Enter Name

EXCEL DASHACE

Oh yessssss!!!

But that's not really your name. Try again.

IROPHA ZANGES

You prefer the faster nickname of IRO. In fact, you prefer a lot of things to be fast due to your love of SPEED GAMBITS. You still hope to one day join the elite express post order of the DELIVERATORS, despite your accident.

You enjoy making stuff, meddling with stuff and trying many RIDICULOUS ARTS AND CRAFTS to fill your time.

You are an avid collector of STUFF. Knick-knacks, totems, junk, experience, mechanisms, secrets, favours, people, stuff. As a result you are a fan of EXTREME ROLE PLAYING and numerous COLLECTIBLE GAMES although it is more of an ON AND OFF thing for you.

Your trolltag is hastyExecutor and you SPE^|< IN ^N E><CESSIvELY E><CITE> W^Y!

What will you do?

> Retrieve arms from sleeves.

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f362/Arhra/Trollstuck/iropic2.png

You... you assholes.

> Retrieve arms from drawers.

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f362/Arhra/Trollstuck/iropic3.png

Now we're talking.

http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f362/Arhra/Trollstuck/iropic4.png

You are an enabler in the illicit, unofficial delivery network for BLACKMAIL; packages too sensitive, too dangerous or too embarassing to risk via the ordinary postal channels.

You have a package to deliver.

You have a feeling this is going to be a challenging one.

- Arhra, 3 years ago

You are now SHARL. You are OUTDOOR, about an hour walk away from the WAREHOUSE HIVE. You carry a laptop with you wherever you go in case of any special

Having rummaged the outdoors for DISCARDED ITEMS, you sigh in exasperation at your less than impressive achievements. Fewer items are still preferable to none. A discarded MATESPIRIT SOFA, missing its pillows. A slightly smushed up double layer of CAKE found in the middle of nowhere, the offending portions removed. A few FANGBRUSHES and a half empty roll of FANGPASTE... and a few other oddities like a large collection of SHINY COLORFUL SMALL ROUND ROCKS, a ripped CHECKERBOARD TABLECLOTH, among other worthless shit.

> PESTER "FIRST RATE SUCKER" IROPHA

You log onto Trollian and type a few inviting messages to your FAVORITE client, whom also has a passion for COLLECTING ODDITIES.

BH: Iropah. d-(^,^)/ I hope you are doing great...
BH: I found some new items. :3
BH: As always, if you are in the mood to check out what I got... Well, you know what we do. $_$
BH: Regardless, I hope you are in the most favorable of positions. Looking forward to hearing from you... Even if you just want to spend time instead. \m/ (^.^) \m/
- Menarker, 3 years ago
• >See if Gorrma is still talking_

Yup, you're still chatting with Ballaa. Your anger has been displaced by the prospect of baking cake for people.

>Gorrma: Respond_

OO: okay! i can bake you one thish evening. maybe i can get hastyexecutor to run it over to your hive later.
OO: it'sh really eashy to make, too. i have mosht of the ingredientsh downshtairs in the cupboard. it jusht takesh a few cups of berriesh, half a cup of freshly-harvested--

>FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD_

Hmmm. Maybe you shouldn't be spreading your secret cake recipes across the internet. You never know who might get their hands on it.

OO: oh, right, the night of the robbery.
OO: i think i was out looking for my lushush. he got hungry and went out to go find something to eat, but he took a while sho i went to go find him. he must've walked a real long distance, like all the way into one of the urban development districtsh, cuz i looked for him everywhere!
OO: anyway, he must've found shomething good, becaushe eventually he showed up outshide our hive again. he looked really full, too, like he'd just eaten a whole lot of shtuff! sugary shtuff! i ashked him what he found, but he didn't anshwer. he'sh not very talkative!
OO: but yeah, i wash moshtly looking for him in the woodsh around my hive that evening. then i gave up and made myshelf a shandwich. it was made out of--

> STOP. TALKING. ABOUT. THE FOOD._

You suddenly hear a noise from deep within the lower levels of your SUBTERRANEAN HIVE. It is a blood-chilling, echoing sound that rolls through the many halls of your labyrinthine abode, a sound filled with rage and eons upon eons of smoldering hatred.

OO: uh oh, shoundsh like dinner ish almosht done. i gotta go check the oven sho it doeshn't overcook. that happened lasht time and it wasn't pretty. i'll shee you later!
omnipotentOmnivore[OO] has ceased trolling vengefulRodentia[VR]

More stunning revelations in this diabolical case. More questions... than answers.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• Leraje: Round 2?

Not yet, but it's getting there.

There is no situation when not knowing where Seymour is has proved good for you. You cut short your musings in the MUSICAL RUMPUS DANCE PARTY and equip your chain looking around for the massive amphibian.

Leraje: Examine Respiteblock.

It seems to reflect your interests. There is a large book case full of various books on things found in the conquest of other planets, the further theory of the quadrants, a set of shitty rom and even a few romcom type movies, and maybe a few romsims but you don't play those often.

On the wall next to the book case is a drawing of your FLARP character, Czar Salamaska Ose. While you started FLARP'ing for the romantic intentions you have found yourself quite good at it, you have pretty much all the levels for the Vigilant Binder class. You are a known scourer of all places, forcing your strict doctrines upon the masses, a natural enemy of the free spirited Boy Skylarks and Petticoat Seagrifts. Bloody rouges.

Your RECUPERACOON is a large, asymmetrical thing that looks a bit worn and has an unusual amount of entrances and exits that seem to be modifications to the original design. This is because Seymour loves to strike right after you get done sleeping, he says it is the weakest moment of every creature, and that is when you must be on the highest alert.

You keep all your clothes in the closet over there, forgoing dressers and all their complicated drawers, mostly because of Seymour. You are not as anti-style as some of your species, but in order to maintain appearances you only ever change your outfit maybe once a year. Typically your wriggling day so you can pass it off as metamorphosis.

The most striking thing though is your FENSTRATED WALL it is interfaced with your Husktop, and began as a shipping wall. Unfortunately all the complicated shipping theories and edits got to the point you couldn't fit it in an organized way. So you upgraded the wall and installed a program called Trollship to help keep everything clear. It is a simple thing, you just enter the name of the person you know, and it shows how they currently are in the quadrants with everyone else you know. For example: You put in Aldurin's name, and you have a black screen that reads, "BORN TO DIE, ALONE."

The big bad salamander has yet to show himself, you still have no idea how something that big can be so stealthy. But until something happens you'd rather be prepared. It always comes down to this...the waiting.

Go be someone else for a bit.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• > Go be someone else for a bit.

Okay. Cue scenery change!

It’s rather dark here, wherever ‘here’ is. So dark, in fact, that you can’t make out any of the surroundings.

A few moments away from yet another change of scenery, some kind of bio-luminescent fish swims into view. Ah, there we go. The illumination given off by it is enough to see the inside of an UNDERWATER CAVERN. It’s not very large, but serves as a hive. It’s surprisingly well-furnished. You can even see examples of Alternian HIGH ART are visible on some of the walls.

A young troll is floating here.

Who’s this?

> Enter name.

FINFACED FISHFUCKER

The troll sighs.

...

You have a few INTERESTS. SUPERNATURAL PHENOMENA are kinda cool, you guess. (Motherfuckin’ magnets, how do they work?)

What really fascinates you, though, are MYSTERIES. Solving them, making them, reading about them... The steady building of anticipation... The thrill of finding clues and sorting out the red herrings... Watching everything falling into place... And then the end, the wondrous moment where everything is figured out and then revealed! The OCEAN seems to never run out of them. An unknown something drifting through the currents, another undiscovered cavern...

However, lately, they haven’t been anything like that all. Mysteries that are unsolvable, mysteries that are incomplete, mysteries that aren’t even mysteries... Even the ocean, which has never failed you before, comes up empty. While you were never the most cheerful of trolls, your disposition has become noticeably more DEPRESSED lately.

Your trolltag is bottomDweller and you speak in... a down-to-earth, and depressed... manner...

What will you do?

> Examine husktop.

Your husktop is the same as ever. Yours is of the portable variety, although you have to be careful when it comes to charging it, given the state of your location. Last time you weren't, it hurt. A lot.

Someone is trolling you, but you aren’t in the mood to respond. You're pretty sure you know who it is, anyway, and there are less headaches this way. Instead, you decide to check on the progress of a certain download.

Still not finished, unsurprisingly. Maybe you can find someone who actually knows something about this game while you wait.

You pick a troll at random from Trollian and send the following message:

>_
- Wizardcat, 3 years ago
• >Vintag: Be relevant.
What? You have no idea what that poppycock means. And frankly, you don't care to find out as you are preoccupied in finding that blasted pan of yours. You swear it was right here, in the cabinet.

Ah, there's the little devil....

>Pull it out.

...right under your collection of LUCKY MUSCLEBEAST SHOES. They rain down on you, inflicting concussion upon concussion. Your being is an orgy of solid agony!

Or it would be, if these weren't just some of your rubber props. You do seem to be quite buried in them, though. How humiliating!

Gog fuck, does this shit never end.

Oh, you hush.

>Look at trollian.

Oh my, it's BD. Better get out of your shame pile and answer him.

BB:O>o i can't say much for certain STOP
BB:O>o aldurin has been rather tight-lipped thus far STOP
BB:O>o fortunately an associate of mine has provided me something that should warrant some interest STOP
BB:O>o a documentary about the island he said he got the disks from STOP
BB:O>o the title is "terror from frog island" STOP
BB:O>o ....
BB:O>o okay it might not be a documentary STOP
BB:O>o but anyway its about a bumbling archaeologist who bumbles himself into this doomsday cult STOP
BB:O>o then he goes gaga redrom for one of the native beings (gross) and tries to impress her STOP
BB:O>o but in actuality initiates the apocalypse STOP
BB:O>o which comes in the form of a giant rageape STOP
BB:O>o it was hilarious, but all a sack of horsefeathers STOP
BB:O>o this game is probably just going to be another one of his role playing shenanigans STOP
- The SSB Intern, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else_

http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/1636/teaae.png
You are now SOMEONE ELSE. Oh look, it appears someone is playing a little game of MAKE-BELIEVE with their dolls! What will you do?

>Observe tea party_
It appears to be more of a DINNER PARTY amongst COLLEAGUES, actually. Gorrma seems to be narrating her adventures. What will you do?

>Listen in_

http://i52.tinypic.com/w1ph81.png
You are roleplaying. In this game, you are IRON GOURMANCER CAPRII, the most famous, powerful, and not-to-mention beautiful gourmancer in the entire universe. You shot to fame at a young age after discovering the ULTIMATE RECIPE, a fabled dish that had eluded the grasp of fellow gourmancers since the invention of cooking itself. Since discovering this incredible secret, you’ve been lauded as one of the greatest culinary geniuses of your time. You’ve even been granted the highly-coveted title of IRON GOURMANCER by the troll Empress herself! Not too shabby!

You are here in the opulent dining hall of your grand KITCHEN STADIUM, surrounded by four of your most promising APPRENTICES. You have invited them here to discuss a very important matter.

======>
http://i51.tinypic.com/r0s201.jpg
Ah, what’s this? Your apprentice PARSLEY is thanking you for taking the time to speak with them. She knows how incredibly busy you are, inventing fantastic new recipes, and practically beating off the hordes of handsome matespite-suitors showing up on your doorstep with a stick, and generally being amazing. She knows you do so much to deserve the fear and admiration you strike into the hearts of trollkind.

======>
http://i53.tinypic.com/vn048j.png
Parsley’s thinly-veiled JEALOUSY has been duly noted. You’ve got your eye on that backstabbing little grubscum.

======>
http://i54.tinypic.com/2em3dwk.png
Huh? Ah, BASIL, the UNFORTUNATE CYCLOPS, has correctly guessed your reason for summoning them here. It is indeed related to this DELICIOUS LOOKING PLATE OF FOOD-MATTER on the table! This is your latest invention, and you’d like your apprentices to CRITIQUE it! You hope to use it against your COMPETITORS in next sweep’s IRON GOURMANCER COOKOFF DEATHMATCH. Competitors. Hah. Those scumbags would give their left protein digesters to find out what you’ve been cooking up here in your fortress-like kitchen-stadium. That’s why you’ve only shown this to your four most trusted apprentices.

Why yes, it IS delicious, isn’t it. Oh, your apprentices wish to know the secret ingredient? Certainly.

======>
http://i56.tinypic.com/zveydl.png

Hah. Look at them sweating bullets now. Yes, you added a DEADLY NEUROTOXIN to your dish. Of course, to a powerful gourmancer like you, such an ingredient is nothing to worry about. But for weaker trolls, like, say, your apprentices... Well, perhaps it’s best they don’t make any LONG TERM PLANS.

======>
You do, of course, have an ANTIDOTE, which you will gladly share with your apprentices... IF THE TRAITOR AMONG THEM REVEALS HIMSELF. Yes, you’ve known for some time that you’ve had a spy in your kitchen, someone who has been sharing your culinary secrets with your competitors. Now that spy has thirty seconds to confess before they start foaming at the mouth.
30... 29... 28... 27...

======>
http://i56.tinypic.com/xmnbk0.png
Pah. Typical. Pesto, the big cry-wriggler, is tripping over himself in his hurry to confess. There was never really any venom. But Pesto might have been better off if he HAD been poisoned.

======>
http://i54.tinypic.com/10glfsi.png
HOW LONG DID HE THINK HE COULD GET AWAY WITH THIS TREACHERY? You are IRON GOURMANCER CAPRII; nothing escapes your careful eye! You knew he was a bad thin-shelled avian embryo from the beginning. You’ve just been biding your time, watching to see how far he would dig himself into his own GRAVE.

======>
http://i52.tinypic.com/2rfpxn5.png
There is but one penalty for Pesto’s actions: DEATH. You will---- No. No, a swift death by your own cleaver would be too good for this traitor. You will not dirty the precious tools of your trade with his foul blood.

======>
http://i54.tinypic.com/16lg4rq.png
Deep-frying is a far more appropriate sentence. Yes. He will meet his end, crunchy and golden-brown and full of calories.

Oh great. Now he’s begging for mercy. What a wriggler. You will console him by letting him be served with your famous peppercorn-ranch dipping sauce. There. Now he’s happy again. You are, after all, a fair and noble leader.

Parsley! Fetch the boiling oil!!
.....
.....
Parsley, are you listening? I said--

======>
http://i52.tinypic.com/14cbh3c.png
...
Parsley?

>That was pointless. Go find someone else_
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >That was pointless. Go find someone else_
You are now Tergum. You are reasonably certain that this is a bad idea.

>Tergum: Do something interesting.

Don't be ridiculous! You're already doing something interesting! You're writing HORRIBLE POETRY. And by "horrible," you mean "THE BEST." You're getting all raptacular up in this bitch, dropping beats so fly they

>Tergum: Shut up.

You don't appreciate such rudeness. Especially when you're holding your favorite weapon, the BALLPOINT PENETRATOR. Why, with one click of this mighty write-y utensil

>Tergum: No, seriously. Shut up.

Fine. You shut up, but you don't have to like it.

Are you sure about that? Your writing isn't exactly what one would call "good." Or even "not horrible enough to cause mass suicides," for that matter.

Y[]. Y[] y[], y[].
Wassup. Was sup, sup.
Let's g[]. G-g[]-g[].
Beats up, up.

[apiti's up in this bit[h,
Dr[]ppin' beats s[] phat y[]u'|_|_ wish
That y[]u were ^^e, s[] y[]u [[]u|_d be
Even half as [[][]|_ as ^^e.

>oh sweet jegus stop

It's still a work in progress, but you're proud of it so far. You're a little annoyed that as soon as you typed your name, it changed to Capiti, but that doesn't make your BEATS any less PHRESH.

>how can anyone be proud of that i mean what

You don't understand the question. The rap was amazing. They always are.

>Tergum: Do something else. Anything else.

You shrug, and decide to start working on your Pokegrub fanfiction.

>Fuck that noise. Be another troll_
- Token, 3 years ago
• > Be another troll.

You are Iropha again. The BLACKMAIL PACKAGE for Sharl is stored at the stationary position in your Vector Modus and you're fully armed and ready to get some delivering done. Let's do this thing.

> Don't do that thing.

What's this? Your SLOW RELEASE TIME CAPSULE has just dropped a slip of paper.

You picked this item up recently under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. It is dispensing instructions at a measured rate, a series deliveries and exchanges to be conducted at specific times and specific places to pave the way for the ULTIMATE DELIVERY.

Or at least that's what the UNIQUELY CONVINCING first missive said.

A simple delivery. One question to be given to one Sharl Welatrotter.

-- butketHed began trolling hastyExecutor [HE] --
BH: Iropha. d-(^,^)/ I hope you are doing great...
BH: I found some new items. :3
BH: As always, if you are in the mood to check out what I got... Well, you know what we do. $_$
BH: Regardless, I hope you are in the most favorable of positions. Looking forward to hearing from you... Even if you just want to spend time instead. \m/ (^.^) \m/*
HE: SH^^^^^^^RL!!!
HE: I H^vE ^ SURPRISE FOR YOU!!! >:3
HE: OH, ^N> YOU WOUL>N'T |<NOW ^NYTHING ^BOUT SOME [b]C^|<ES, WOUL> YOU?
- Arhra, 3 years ago
• >SHARL, A QUICK RESPONSE! RESPOND IN KIND!

You don't need to be told that. In the absence of other vital TASKS that could be need done, you ATTEND to your CLIENT with the most earnest INTEREST.

-- butketHed [BH] began trolling hastyExecutor [HE] --
BH: Iropha. d-(^,^)/ I hope you are doing great...
BH: I found some new items. :3
BH: As always, if you are in the mood to check out what I got... Well, you know what we do. $_$
BH: Regardless, I hope you are in the most favorable of positions. Looking forward to hearing from you... Even if you just want to spend time instead. \m/ (^.^) \m/*
HE: SH^^^^^^^RL!!!
HE: I H^vE ^ SURPRISE FOR YOU!!! >:3
HE: OH, ^N> YOU WOUL>N'T |<NOW ^NYTHING ^BOUT SOME C^|<ES, WOUL> YOU?
BH: Oh, fantastic. That is great to know. <(^.^<) "(^.^)" (>^.^)>
BH: I got a few SURPRISES of my own to SHOW you. (~_^)
BH: Anyhow, you want CAKES? Or just knowledge about them... I'm NO GOOD at BAKING, so I would not be the best person to ask about such things... (,_,)
BH: ^,^ However, I FIND a pretty large cake somewhere... Quite a surprise, really. Almost like it FELL off the back of a LOCOMOTIVE... >_>
BH: Still quite EDIBLE once I removed the few dirty parts... :-9 Delicious, I tell you.
BH: May I be so bold to VISIT you at your HIVE shortly or you want to come over to my WAREHIVE? 0w0
- Menarker, 3 years ago
• >Activate random character development while we wait for a response.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/aldurin2.jpg
You are now past Aldurin.

You have barely been back at your hive for an hour and you've already figured out how to wire this ancient cannon to the power distribution array in your hive. With any luck, you can figure out how to fire it and figure out what to fire at.

You install the cannon on the balcony to keep your options open.

>Look through telescopic apparatus for a target.

You approach the telescopic apparatus, but something well within range of simply looking at catches your eye.

Ah yes, the imperial drone. You figure it's some kind of error in the system or something that he comes after you, but he's been strangely persistent, even continuing for several weeks.

Of course you didn't let him in, that'd be stupid. You just locked the door at the base of the mountain. Then you rerouted the tunnel behind the door to lead out of the other side of the mountain and nowhere else.

He still hasn't figured that out. It's been depressing to watch yet you still have to keep watching. Every time you see him he's trying something different. Right now he appears to have finally figured out that a battering ram might work.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/aldurin1.jpg
The door, now charred and covered in shrapnel, paint and chalk (you have no idea why he did that), stands resolutely in his path.

>Wave to him

You wave, he waves back, then he runs headlong carrying a recently-uprooted tree with him. You silently watch as he breaks the tree into splinters on the door, blood oozing from various scratches on him.

Ya, you probably have, he might become a problem if he thinks of climbing the mountain, from that point you probably wouldn't have a clear shot.

>Cannon. Drone. Test run.

Might as well, better know how to use it for a situation where this kind of solution is actually needed. You get behind the cannon, point it at the drone, who is still dazed from the impact and blood loss, and begin mashing random buttons on the control interface.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/aldurin3.jpg
A flash of light spews forth from the nozzle of the cannon and a gigantic noise emanates through the entire area.

>Qualify and quantify results.

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/aldurin4.jpg
In a less than scientific manner, you observe a crater where the door, imperial drone and woodpile used to be. All of the nearby trees are on fire too. You direct your lusus to categorize the weapon under "Good enough" and being a diagnostics of the weapon.

Shit, it appears that you didn't turn something on that compensated for the heat generation. The cannon doesn't appear operable for at least another week, given the current temperature and the specific heat of the alloy.

>Kill time by reviewing game code

You might as well, this may be something that your contacts want to hear about.

Fascinating, it appears to alter the existing world by *bluh bluh huge words* . . .

>Be someone who is using smaller words.
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone who is using smaller words.

You now find yourself in the stormy waters of an island chain, HUNDREDS OF WHATEVER UNITS TROLLS USE FOR MEASURING DISTANCE away from SHARL'S WAREHIVE. The dark clouds blot out nearly all moonlight and rain down a volley of droplets with the force of fired arrows. Winds, not of any consistent direction, blow and roar and rage as if this stretch of terrain had done them a terrible injustice. The sea quickly dips down and rises up higher again, parts of it cresting and crashing into each other, creating a great deal of spray and foam. White flashes illuminate the waters and the small points of land that float in them and the ensuinging rumbles of thunder send visable shivers through them.

It is because of the lightning that we can see the shape of your small MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPING VESSAL as it makes its way across the undulating body of brine. The boat has undergone something of a makeover since last it was seen, as many carcasses of eels and various large toothed fish now rest in a pile in the center and adorn the bow. Sitting at the stern is you, the SALTIEST OF SEA SABRE-CATS, working the rudder and guiding this hunk of timber on a course back to your home. Behind you there is a large tangle of ropes tied to the boat and around the form of the large massacred deep one that you are currently towing. Today's catch of the day is D'LAK'N.

The FAUX HORRORTERROR EMISSARY appears to have large portions bitten off from its hide and tentacles and its larger maw has been ripped clean off. And, judging from the squirming and gurgling, it seems to be still alive. This one put up quite the fight, you muse. A lot more that baby one you caught the other day. In the end though, he met the fate that all sea life that find themselves at the end of your line share. Of course, as soon as you reeled it in, every goddamn swimming bastard around decided it was a good idea to take a bite out of it. They couldn't have been more wrong. Unless, of course, they liked being caught and hung from the bow of your ship. You can only assume they didn't.

Despite the weight and mass of your haul, you navigate through the rough waters with great ease and surprising speed, all without the aid of a sail or motor. Almost like magic. Of course that's all bull-pixie sludge, magic is about as real as faeries and imaginary friends. No, you just happen to be spectacularly good at reading the waves and using the currents to propel your vehicle. It's a natural talent that has allowed for you to out-maneuver even the nobles out in open waters. Because of that, coupled with your POLE-AND-LINE PROWESS, none of those BOTTOM-FEEDING SEEDFLAP-HEADS have ever been able keep you from going wherever you flarping pleased.

Aye, way back when you used to travel across the seas at your leisure, visiting all corners of Alternia, getting into scuffs, picking up STRANGE EXOTIC ARTIFACTS, meeting even stranger Trolls, and generally having the time of your life. Nearly ever night you'd wake up to see a new shore stretched out before you, just waiting to be explored. And just before every day break, you'd happily jot down a log of the day's events. Good times.

But those days are behind you. An ADVENTURER no more, now just a simple MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPER trying to eke out a living for himself and his ravenous lusus. Each night is the same as the last, brave the waters surrounding your home, find a spot to fish at, rack up a large pile of scaled beasties, brave the waters back home, and then find some way to kill time to before your next trip out. Did I mention that you've grown to dislike the sea? Yeah, you're in quite a rut.

>Land on the island already, Doyle!

You are now docked at the pier of your home island. You fight against the winds to load up today's catches onto a wagon you had left there earlier. It takes a little while but you finally get all the biters in there and tied down.

You then cut the ropes tying the D'LAK'N to the boat. You don't have to worry about it getting away, the ropes tied around it have it immobolized and the waves are going to beach it on the shore.

See? Damn you're good.

Ahoy, what this? You spy a great mass of white standing out against gray sand. This calls for an investigation.

>Move closer to the thing.

You draw nearer to the great white object, which upon closer inspection looks like the broadside of some marine fauna the size of two space SUVs. Suddenly the whatever-it-is springs to its feet and rears its head, giving you a full view of just what it is you're dealing with.

The beast's front end is that of a large spotted feline with big dagger-like canines, strong fore-legs ending in giant clawed paws, and a matted wet mane running along it's back. It back end is a little less threatening, resembling that of a lesser and more clownish marine carnivore's flippers. In the light of the lightning strikes, you make out the animal's face and can see the scars from where it's eyes and nostrils had been savagely slashed and torn. It can no longer see or even smell it's prey.

Still, even a blind and olfactory-impaired Sea Jaguaren is dangerous. It's sharp ears can still pick out the hidden sound of an idiot shuffling around through the sand in the wail of the winds.

See, what did I tell you?

The Jaguaren growls as it closes in for the kill. The winds howl and the waves crash into the shore behind you, sending out a spray of salty wetness onto your back. The lightning continues to strike with reckless abandon, coloring the scene in stills of ghastly white. What will you do now?

>OUTRAGEOUS STRIFE FIGHT SCENE!!!!!!!!

I was hoping for another failed attempt at naming him, but that is a much better idea!

Have at ye! (http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/showdown)
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• ==>
PSYCHE!

==>Tergum: Throw down the gauntlet
It's been far too long since you've pestered your peers. It's also been far too long since you've bested those pail-sniffers. And the best way to do that is to drop some rhymes all up in this motherfucker.

==> Open Memo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
antipathicHopper [AH] opened memo: THE D[]PEST []F BEATS S[] D[]PE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AH: Greetings, bit[hes.
AH: D[] y[]u kn[]w what ti^^e it is?
AH: WR[]NG. IT IS RAP TIME.
AH: ARE Y[]U GRUBFU[KERS READY F[]R THIS?
AH: T[][] BAD, IT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY.
AH: WE'RE D[]ING THIS, TR[]|_|_S.
AH: WE'RE ^^AKING THIS HAPPEN
AH: |_et's r[][k, |_et's rhyme,, |_et's |_ay d[]wn s[]^^e beats,
AH: N[]w that I'^^ here the party's [[]^^p|_ete,
AH: Whi|_e I |_ay d[]wn ^^y |_yri[s y[]u |_ie d[]wn in defeat.
AH: Signu^^'s the na^^e, but y[]u [an [a|_|_ ^^e "Tergu^^,"
AH: Y[]u sp[]ut a|_|_ that [rap, n[]w the [[]^^b[] is br[]ken
AH: Y[]u ^^essin' with ^^e? The he|_|_ are y[]u s^^[]kin'?
AH: ^^y rhy^^es [[]^^e []ut s^^[][]th whi|_e y[]u're sittin' there [h[]kin'.
AH: ^^y writing's s[] great, and I'm s[] fu[king [[][]|_.
AH: Gifted |_ike I'^^ [[]^^in' fr[]m Tr[]|_|_ Xavier's s[h[][]|_
AH: D[]n't say that I'^^ trippin', y[]u kn[]w that I ru|_e,
AH: I p|_ay |_ike a star, whi|_e y[]u're p|_ayin' the f[][]|_.
AH: W[]rd.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

==>
Oh yeah. You smile in satisfaction as your beautiful beats and lovely lyrics are posted for all to see. This is your gift to the world. You are so magnanimous.

==>Be someone less horrible in every possible way_
- Token, 3 years ago
• >Be someone less horrible in every possible way

You fail to be someone less horrible.

You are now Zebrek.

>Attempt to shit on your desk again.

You cautiously start making your way over to your desk, so you don't trip again.

>======>

OH SHIT WHAT'S THAT

>======>

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

>======>

You are attacked by A GIANT ROBOT OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE MAN.

>STRIFE!

You AGRESS! Your bullets bounce harmlessly off the robot's tough shell. Clearly, you're fucked.

>Attempt the dangerous PSYCHE-OUT X2 COMBO.

Your attempt fails. The giant robot proceeds to smash you into the wall.

>Find a weak spot.

You fail to find a weakspot. This fucker is rock solid. You prepare for your inevitable doo-huh?

>======>

It appears the robot has stopped cold in mid-swing. You guess in making the outer shell impenetrable, the makers had to skim costs on the inside.

Wait, what's that coming out from behind it?

>======>

Why, it's your lusus. The little bastard firefly was controlling the robot the whole time! And of course the robot was actually a toy (more like military-grade weaponry) you recently acquired.

The whole thing was just a game.

>======> Strangle lusus.

And by strangle, you mean chase him all around your hive playfully.

>Be someone else.
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else

You are now SRYNXA.

>Do something cool.

You are trying to do just that! You are perched on a low hanging branch of one of the MANY TREES in the forest. But this one is the best, because it just so happens to be right above your mark.. none other than the famed and incredibly wealthy SENATOR ALTRIX BEZWIG. What did he do to warrant a hit? You'll probably never know. And you don't care.

Actually it's just a LONGTOOTHED JUNGLE FELINE but you like to pretend. It makes you feel more.. assassinny. You narrow your eyes and prepare your DART BLOWING APARATUS. But as you inhale, the senator spots you! Oh no!

>Srynxa: SSTRIFE!~

>AGGRESS!

You fling a poison tipped dart haphazardly at the now aggressive politician, who is now preparing to leap at you, his claws.. er.. his BLADES ready to gut you. You fall backwards and land on the soft forest floor below, scrambling to your feet and facing the mighty senator. He.. eh.. he yowls then hisses at you? Well that kind of breaks the illusion but no matter. As he swipes at your leg you grab a fistful of darts from their HOOFBEAST HIDE POUCH and plunge them into his neck. The old bag yelps and attempts to ABJURE, but instead he falls twitching to the ground.

Despite the cool dark liquid oozing from your leg, you have emerged from another hit victorious! You pout at the slight stinging sensation as you grab the senator by his paws.. uh you mean his feet, and begin to drag him back to your hive. Your lusus will surely patch up your booboos.

>Skip boring walk sequence.

Welp, now you're bored.

>Be someone else.
- Amsterdam, 3 years ago
• Warning: NSFT

>Be the imperial drone corpse.

You fail to be the imperial drone corpse as the imperial drone is (barely) alive.

>Be the drone then

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/drone1.jpg
You are now the drone, you are barely conscious and bleeding a lot.

>Test motor control

http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz339/EvilEarl/drone2.jpg
You pass out from exhaustion after performing your extremely vulgar action.

>Be someone who is conscious and more decent
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone who is conscious and more decent

You are now Ballaa.

Following this conversation that we've already read (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1086201&postcount=33), you are now quite certain that you've deduced the identity of the gluttonous cake thief! You were very close in suspecting Gorrma, but only slightly off the mark. It was, quite obviously, her lusus that was responsible. This is truly a victory for the forces of justice!

>Notify the local authorities of Nommington's deeds and have the criminal face punishment.

No, you couldn't possibly do that. To rob an innocent girl of her lusus would be unthinkable. You will not force a friend, much less one as sweet as Gorrma, to suffer the same pain you know all too well, the pain of a young grubling that lost everything at the hands of some punk with a gun.

>Go up to the roof and brood over the memory of your dead lusus.

You swoop out the window, climbing to the top of your hive and perch upon the roof, fully obscured by the... broad daylight shining down happily from the noonday sun. It might as well be drawn with a crayon with yellow lines around it and a big stupid smiley face in the middle.

Fuck.

>Could you be any worse at this?

No.

>Fine, get to brooding.

You close your eyes, letting the memories overtake you. The sights, the sounds, the smells.... Everything is still fresh in your mind all these sweeps later. You can see your lusus now, Ace, an aquatic canine beast referred to as a "splashound." You lived on the shore back then, despite your middling bloodcaste, because Ace so loved to frolic in the ocean. But it always worried you sick. Dangerous things lived in that sea, but you could never bring yourself to force Ace away from it.

Then suddenly a flash of light crosses the sky as Ace leaps out from the waves, striking through his body. He falls limply into the water, pulled further out to sea by the tides, lost forever. The sight won't stop flashing before your eyes. You warned that dog! You TOLD him about shores!

It keeps happening.

>Snap out of it and go back inside, already.

You re-enter your room through the window, the curtain falling into place behind you and restoring the scattered shadows around you. You lean against your recuperacoon, breathing heavily. It would probably be best to focus on the road ahead from here on in.

>Be another troll while you regain your composure.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• You see an ocean, and just under the surface, a sparkling school of fish.

Why are we here you ask? You'll see in aOHGOTWHAT!

>What is causing this commotion?

Let's look underwater.

>Go underwater.

Under the surface, a pale shark was speeding though, gobbling up fish left and right. And following it was a girl in an unusual garb....

Oh god, she saw... let's just come back later, shall we?

>Be someone else, quick.
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else, quick

You are now Rektek. This is very unfortunate for you because he just finished reorganizing the instruments in his PERCUSSION ROOM based on drum diameter and sound preference. Needless to say it was very exciting and you totally missed out.

Oh well, what do you want to do now?

> Resist urge to re-reorganize the instruments in the PERCUSSION ROOM

You just barely manage to resist the urge to re-reorganize the percussion room. However you do make a mental note to come back in an hour and make sure it's still organized in a satisfying way.

> Check on Memo

eloquentOrchestrator [EO] RIGHT NOW opened public linear bulletin board Musical Rumpus Dance Party
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EO RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Musical Rumpus Dance Party
EO: | Right looks like this | is all set up | I fig-ured we | should start one of | these lit-tle things | e-ven-tua-ly |
EO: | So why not get | star-ted talk-ing | to each oth-er | be-fore jump-ing | right in-to this | brand new game thing |
EO: | What was the name? |
EO: | Oh yeah SGRUB right? |
EO: | T-A is it | you who's wor-king | on ma-king it? | I know you love | your com-pu-ters |
EO: | Well an-y-way | I can't wait to | start play-ing with | all of you guys |
EO: | Uh-oh I can | hear my lu-sus | get-ting up-set |
EO: | Be back real soon |

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] responded to memo right now

[TA] mAn, I wIsh I wAs thE OnE tO mAkE It
[TA] I fOUnd It In sOmE rEtArdEd frOg tEmplE
[TA] thIs thIng Is thE fUckIng hOlY grAIl Of mY lIfE's pUrsUIts

halcyonCoils [HC] responded to memo.

HC: Thiss issn't gonna be some lame Role Playing Game iss it?
HC: Not a fan.
HC: What exactly iss the objective?

antipathicHopper [AH] responded to memo.

AH: That is an ex[e|_|_ent questi[]n, whi[h s[]rt []f ^^akes n[] sense.
AH: [[]nsidering the fa[t that even for du^^basses y[]u pe[]p|_e g[] ab[]ve and bey[]nd the [a|_|_ []f stupidity.

absentPsychologist [AP] responded to memo.

AP: And the, hopper. Continues his petty...universal hate thing.

AH: It's n[]t ^^y fault that ^^[]st []f the universe is ^^y kis^^esis.

AP: If...I said it. Once I've, said it FOREVER. You get one. ONE. 1.

AH: I have []ne. It just happens to be a|_|_ []f [reati[]n.

HC: Hmph. Sso grumpy.

AP: You, spend. Your day typing...with one arm.

AH: I d[]n't even want t[] kn[]w what y[]u're d[]ing with the []ther []ne.

AP: If...it was, still attached. I'd tell you, anyway.

AH: ^^ust be []ne he|_|_ []f a p[]werfap if it tears y[]ur ar^^ []ff.
AH: But then again, y[]u d[] have t[] [[]^^pensate f[] the fa[t that n[]thing else wi|_|_ ever hate y[]ur s[]rry ass.

HC: Ew. >:(

AP: Ditto. .-.

AH: It's n[]t |_ike I'^^ saying anything that isn't a universa|_|_y kn[]wn fa[t.

AP: See, this...is why you. Don't actually, have a kismesis. There is no, direction. To...your hate. You just spew it, and hope you hit something. Desperate for, it to. Hate...you back.

HC: Oh my isss thiss really gonna turn into romance clussterfuck central I jusst wanna know what this game is about.

AH: Quiet, ha|_, the big grubs are ta|_king.
AH: And AP, I've a|_ways meant to ask...

HC: >:O

AH: Is it y[]ur Psych[]|_[]gist that's absent, []r just y[]ur th[]ughtn[]de?
AH: G[]dda^^n, I'^^ fu[king hi|_ari[]us. Y[]u're so |_u[ky t[] kn[]w ^^e.

HC: Yess I am possitively rolling.

AH: []bvi[]us|_y. I'd be sh[][ked if y[]u weren't.

AP: It always. Comes back, to the quadrants. You'll...see. Even in, this game. It will.

AH: []h, here we g[].
AH: Y[]u [an [[]^^p|_ai

antipathicHopper [AH] ceased trolling

antipathicHopper [AH] responded to memo

AH: W[]w. The sheer f[]r[e []f ^^y hate just ^^ade ^^y huskt[]p [rash.
AH: I d[]n't re^^e^^ber what I was saying, but I'^^ sure that it w[]uld have utter|_y ruined y[]ur shit.

AH: Ah, right. That ^^a|_e B[]vine fe[es.
AH: Anyway, AP, y[]u [an bit[h a|_|_ y[]u want ab[]ut h[]w I hate everything t[] ^^ake up f[]r ^^y tr[]ub|_e in finding a kis^^esis, but that d[]esn't [hange the fa[t that you d[] the sa^^e thing when it [[]^^es to being a ^^[]rai|_.

AP: Morails, aren't limited. By numbers... The <> is free. To be, spread to...any who. Need, direction.
AP: And you, all do.

AH: the []n|_y dire[ti[]ns I need are t[] the nearest medi[, s[] I kn[]w where t[] send y[]u after I've finished ki[king y[]ur pr[]tein [hute.

HC: Ssomething tellss me that it will be interessting attemtping to interact with you lot asss a team..

AP: I, look forward. To it Hal. I bet it, will be fun.

AH: Yeah, right. Just stay []ut []f ^^y way...

AP: You need, my auspistice. Hopper, admit it...

AH: I ad^^it that y[]ur inane b|_ather is pissing ^^e []ff even ^^[]re than usua|_.

AP: Close enough... ._.

AH: {>:(

HC: Progressss!

AH: Whatever. I'^^ []ut. If I have t[] read any ^^[]re []f this [rap t[]night, I'|_|_ exp|_[]de in a sh[]wer []f hate.

AH: S[]^^e[]ne let ^^e kn[]w when we find []ut ^^[]re ab[]ut this ga^^e y[]u ja[kasses [an't st[]p jizzing y[]urse|_ves []ver.

HC: >:(

AP: Hal, what...is jizz?

HC: I'm not ssure but it ssoundss like ssomething that iss.. not appropriate to be talking about in the pressence of a lady.

AH: When tw[] tr[]|_|_s rea|_|_y hate ea[h []ther....

AP: Oh. The...incestuous slurry. You, were right Hal.

AH: first ti^^e f[]r everything...

HC: Hilariousss. I ssee what you are trying to imply.
HC: That I am never right.
HC. Very clever, yess.

AP: The sarcasm is, killing me...inside.

AH: n[]t fast en[]ugh. {>:D

AP: I...have to tend, to my lusus now. I think...he wants the, other arm.
AP: Bye._.

absentPsychologist [AP] ceased trolling

AH: Anyway, |_ike I said ear|_ier, I'^^ []ut. Need s[]^^e rest; after a|_|_, I have a |_[]t []f hating t[] d[].

anitpathicHopper [AH] ceased trolling

HC: Well if everyone elsse took off then I guessss I'll get going too.
HC: I'm ssure I can find ssomething to do other than sstare at an empty memo all night.

halcyonCoils [HC] ceased trolling

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] responded to memo.

OO: oh hey you guysh are talking about the shgrub game?
OO: that'sh cool. oh hey guessh what me and my lushush found in the woodsh today under a rock? there were all theshe crunchy lil bugsh, like a whole family with adultsh and larvae and eggsh and shome big dead onesh too that the lil bite-shized onesh were crawlin all over. the dead onesh were a bit too dry for my tastesh, but i bet they would have been really good if i had been able to make an au jous out of the larvae! but nommington, my lushush, kind of ate the only shauchepan i brought with. ]:( we're shtill working on that problem. he'sh sho shilly.
OO: you guysh should come over for a shnack one day! i could show you all the yummy reschipesh i've been inventing!

OO: uh oh, nommington ish trying to eat my trollton brown poshter again!! ]:-O i gotta go! shee ya later!

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] ceased trolling

antipathicHopper [AH] responded to memo

AH: What the he|_|_, [][]? Is there anything y[]u w[]n't sh[]ve d[]wn y[]ur pr[]tein [hute?
AH: I ^^ean, da^^n. It's s[]rt []f [reepy.
AH: I guess n[] []ne e|_se is here right n[]w.
AH: I swear, if y[]u pai|_heads are a|_|_ p|_aying this game with[]ut me, I'|_|_ be pissed.

antipathicHopper [AH] ceased trolling

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] responded to memo

OO: hoppy you are jusht mad that my life hash a purposhe.
OO: don't worry; i know you'll find shomething you're good at shomeday!! ]:-) jusht keep
OO: trying!

antipathicHopper [AH] responded to memo

AH: {>:|
AH: ^^y |_ife t[]ta|_|_y has a purp[]se.
AH: ^^aking the rest []f y[]u bu|_ge|_[]vers ^^iserab|_e.
AH: S[], d[] we kn[]w anything ab[]ut this ga^^e yet?

OO: no, i shtill have no idea what we're doin. ]:-(
OO: but i'll bring shnacks if we get hungry!!
OO: and i know how you feel about eating bugsh, shince your lushush is a big yummy
OO: mantish and all that, sho i'll avoid anything with thoshe ingredientsh.

AH: Fantasti[. I appre[iate y[]ur [[]nsiderati[]n.
AH: Th[]ugh I d[]ubt Strize wi|_|_ take we|_|_ t[] being [a|_|_ed "yu^^^^y..."

OO: you are welcome!
OO: oh, that'sh right. i'll try and remember not to ushe that language around him!
OO: it wouldn't be very niche.
OO: even though it'sh true!!! ]:-) bugsh are crunchy and delicioush!

AH: {:|
AH: If y[]u say s[].

OO: don't knock it until you've tried it, hoppy. ]:-)
OO: well, I gotta go. time to feed nommington again!

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] has ceased trolling

AH: I need t[] |_eave as we|_|_.
AH: Ti^^e t[] feed... ^^yse|_f, I guess.

antipathicHopper [AH] has ceased trolling

pandorasArchvist [PA] responded to memo

PA: What is this I haer atoub a game?
PA: And why was I not envitid eirlaer?

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] responded to memo

TA: yOU wErE InvItEd, bUt yOU wErEn't pAyIng AttEntIOn
TA: At lEAst thAt's whAt I hEArd

PA: I have been bysu.
PA: My dicsussoin on the lief and times of Troll Jegus is amlost colmepte.
PA: Aslo, there has been a stnarge persnece in Raeding hall 3

TA: ExcUsEs, ExcUsEs . . .

spectacularHellion [SH] responded to memo

SH: what the fuck is goin on here
SH: are you guys talking about the game
SH: i bet itll be sweet and a lot of fun
SH: kinda like this game i was playing with my toys the other time so sweet
SH: see nocturnal wingedrat vigilante was investigating the murder of baron von tuskerfangs and the clues led him to the trollsters hideout and he was like the jig is up and trollster was like fuuuuuuuu and wingedrat punched him but then doc squid burst in through the roof hes like a real squid you know how can squids talk anyway how can so many things like dragons talk how can we talk
SH: man do you think therell be things that talk in the game i hope so that would be fun like giant ogre cat things that talk or like little shelled thingies hey hey do you think therell be little shelled thingies in the game i have some plushies of them so i hope so but i forget what theyre called does any of you know what theyre called its probably something silly
SH: where was i oh right wingedrat knocked out doc squid and then i tripped on something and knocked my head and fell unsconscious so i guess it wasnt that great a game but it sure was fun while it lasted and anyway i bet this game will be lots more fun dont you think

PA: I am not sure wtah I tkinh.

TA: I dOn't fUckIng cArE spEc
TA: I hOpE yOU gOt brAIn dAmAgE

SH: nah i feel fine how about you

TA: fInE, sAy, hAvE yOU lOst An Arm?

SH: uh no why would i lose an arm why did you lose an arm have you found it would you like me to help you look

TA: nEvEr mInd, I'll tAlk tO yOU whEn I mAkE A rObOtIc brAIn InstEAd

SH: whoa dude youre making a robot brain cool where are you going to put it are you gonna build a robot for it is it going to be big i bet its going to be big

TA: shUt Up bEfOrE I jAm It In yOUr EAr

PA: I duobt taht woudl be pissoble or, for that matetr, sinatiry.

TA: I'd lEt hIm kEEp It, I'll gEt It On vIdEO whEn I dO It

SH: dont you mean my auricular sponge clot

PA: Oh spot bieng so valgur. It is 'aer' when in pilote campony.

TA: scrEw It, I'm gOnnA shOvE It Up hIs Ass And dEtOnAtE It InstEAd

SH: :(

PA: If that deos teak pcale, do sned me the vodie, would you?
PA: It muts be airchved.

TA: wIth plEAsUrE . . .

PA: Thuough udner wcihh cetogary?
PA: Machenical mulitiation?

TA: jUst plAcE It In mY fIlE
TA: I knOw yOU hAve OnE Of mE

PA: : /
PA: I wuold heav to kool for taht firts.
PA: I appaer to heav maspliced it.
PA: Somewrehe in croidorr 8.

TA: tEll mE, dO yOU hAvE An ElEctrOnIc vErsIOn Of yOUr rEcOrds?

PA: Meer eloctrenics connat hodl the mihgt taht is teh CATOLUGAE

TA: bUt I mAkE fIrEprOOf hArd drIvEs, bOOks ArE flAmmAblE
TA: bIg hOnkIn' 1,000,000 trOllAbYtE hArd drIvEs

PA: My freind...
PA: You sloudh rellay sit dnow wiht a good book oen of thsee dyas.

TA: jUst rEAd trOllbUntU 10.10, mAnUAl fOr gEnIUsEs
TA: twIcE

PA: Yuo heav jtus semmud pu ereyvingth taht is wrong wiht yuo.

TA: I'm crEAtIve And I ApprEcIAtE frEE stUff?

SH: i try to read books sometimes but i just fall asleep

antipathicHopper [AH] responded to memo

AH: What is up, ^^y grubfu[kers?

PA: Grubckufres? Is taht a vilad unsilt?
PA: I do not rebemer sieeng it in the 'LARGE GLOSSARY OF VALID TROLL INSULTS'

TA: hOppEr, dOn't yOU thInk thAt pOkEgrUb: pUsE vErsIOn sUcks?

SH: wassup AH how you doin im fine how about you

AH: [ould be worse, I guess.
AH: and p[]kegrub w[]u|_d su[k |_ess if it weren't for Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey.
AH: S[] mu[h hate.
AH: He's in|_ike.
AH: I d[]n't even kn[]w.
AH: He's in the 100th per[enti|_e of [hute[|_[]ths.
AH: The p[]int I a^^ trying t[] ^^ake is simp|_e:
AH: Fu[k Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey.

TA: yOU'rE gOnnA lOOk lIkE A lOsEr If yOU hAvE a kIsmEsIs wIth A fAkE trOll
TA: And thE ImpErIAl drOnE dOEsn't AccEpt ImAgInAry kIsmEsIs mAtErIAl
TA: bElIEvE mE, I'vE trIEd

PA: Yuo maen, liek, fukc him letirally?
PA: Cuase I fuond semohting in the Finfaction scetion teh eroth day.
PA: I cuold sden ouy an erxcept?

AH: Fu[k the dr[]ne as we|_|_.

SH: yeah man i hate troll joey he sucks you know maybe your kismesis is everything

AH: Pandy, there is n[]thing I hate ^^[]re than fanfi[tion.
AH: Ex[ept, y'kn[]w, everything.
AH: Espe[ia|_|_y y[]u.

TA: kIsmEsIs wIth EvErYthIng Is ImprActIcAl
TA: lOOk At AP
TA: I'm gOnnA hAvE tO IntErvEnE wIth An EmOtIOn chIp Or hE'll prObAblY dIE

AH: i^^pra[ti[a|_ ^^y ass. Y[]u just d[]n't have the bu|_ge f[]r it.
AH: ^^aybe y[]u [[]u|_d invent y[]urse|_f a pair.

PA: Akoy I heav fuond ti. Heer you go.
PA: "Bronze's eyes lit up as he heard the sweet ringing yet again. There was only one troll who called him every 5 minutes to ask how he was. And that troll was in the top fucking percentage of lovers.' He sighed happily as he picked up the LONG DISTANCE COMMUNCATION DEVICE, held it to his ear. 'Joey!'"
PA: Wuold yuo liek more? Theer era over 700 paegs of tihs.

AH: []h dear fu[k N[]
AH: D:>}
AH: I'^^ |_eaving bef[]re ^^y th[]ughtn[]de exp|_[]des fr[]^^ y[]ur shitty fanfi[ti[]n.

antipathicHopper [AH] has ceased trolling

PA: So yuo wuold not liek to ckech uot tihs etim?
PA: Danm

TA: I'll cOpY And pAstE fOr hIm lAtEr

PA: I wlil jsut sden mih teh flie.
PA: Perpahs he lliw hancge his mind and ckech uot teh harcdopy.
PA: I heop so.
PA: It si cuasing truoble.

pandorasArchivist [PA] sent antipathicHopper [AH] file "Unevolved Love.trlxt"

TA: UnlIkEllY

PA: Wuold yuo liek it?

TA: Afk fOr A mInUtE
TA: hey PA, anything new in the legendary archives?

PA: Tehy tden to ramein uchnaged.

TA: then have you found anything new or know of anyone coming by that might have something
TA: anything regarding any myth is fine

PA: I wlli aks my lusus.
PA: If I canton hepl it.
PA: But I duobt I will fdin anthting new.

TA: sOrrY AbOUt thAt, mY dAmn lUsUs wOn't mAkE hIs Own dAmn AccOUnt

PA: If yuor lusus reiqures infirmaton, I roccemend he calloborate with mien.
PA: I do ton wihs to boceme a massenger.

TA: I'm jUst wOrrIEd hE'll gEt IdEAs And hUrt hImsElf
TA: gOnnA gO

bananaFan [BF] responded to memo

BF: Ook?

TA: do you kow anything on any myths of power, whether small or infathomable?

BF: Ook! Ook-ook.
BF: Ook! Ook!
BF: Ook?

TA: does your keyboard really come with only o, k and punctuation?
TA: because in all of the centuries I've lived, that is the saddest thing ever

BF: Ook. . .

TA: fuck, where's the librarian?
TA: at least I understood what she said

PA: Yuo jsut spoek to teh labriain.
PA: Asaully teh mroe precetpive biengs anderstund him.

TA: if that's the librarian than your whole troll public archives system is a pile of shit

PA: It toko you just an ouhr to raelize taht?

TA: for a moment there I thought your stupid monkey lusus was typing
TA: I see I was mistaken
TA: I apologize for insulting him
TA: what the fuck, someone shot a banana right throught this hive's deflector shield
TA: that thing stops artillery bullets

PA: He deos not liek bieng rerrefed to as the M-word.
PA: Jsut an FYI.

TA: wait, so your stupid lusus "primate" is the retarded librarian?
TA: this just gets better and better

PA: Teh Lirbanian asks me to vinite you to vitis teh LIBRARCHIVARY one dya.
PA: He sah stuj teh pcale for yuo in teh 'EXTINCT SPECIES' achrives.

TA: fuck you and your stupid staffing system
TA: just a moment
TA: what the fuck! you don't have an electronic backup?
TA: this is just great, I can't visit without getting ripped to shreds and you have no networked backup to hack

PA; He raelly deosn't liek teh m-word.
PA: Do yuo konw waht heppaned to teh lats hakcer to ackatt us?

TA: I'm half-monkey, half-hawk, so I didn't know the "m-word" offended him
TA: I ApOlOgIzE fOr mY IdIOt lUsUs, I nEEd tO tIE hIm dOwn Or sOmEthIng
TA: gOnnA tUrn thIs cOmp Off sO hE dOEsn't gEt bAck On

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased responding to memo

SH: sorry i kinda went to get something to drink and i tripped and got knocked out
SH: wow pas lusus is really smart and talks a lot kinda reminds me of

PA: Yuo udsternand it?

SH: huh
SH: oh yeah well not really i heard what it was saying but i didnt really pay attention

PA: I taek bakc waht I siad atoub 'cerpetpnivetess'.
PA: Claerly it is interely rodnam who anderstunds my lusus.

SH: shit i dunno man maybe im really perceptive and dont know it kinda like that movie where the guy used to be a threshecutioner and doesnt know it i liked that movie hey man do you like any movies i bet youd like that one

PA: The uadoivusial achrivse are nto my pirvuew.
PA: You wuold haev to dicsuss taht with my lusus.

SH: sure man ill talk to him later but my lusus is calling me right now i think it wants to play so see ya bye have fun dont start the game without me

spectacularHellion [SH] ceased responding to memo

PA: I slouhd porblaby cintunoe my partols of teh hlals. Teh MANIFESTATIONS haev been rsteless.

pandorasArchvist [PA] ceased responding to memo

eloquentOrchestrator [EO] responded to memo

EO: | Oh wow guys this | real-ly got out | of hand fast here |
EO: | It is lack-ing | so much or-der | I can't stand it |
EO: May-be start a | new me-mo once | the game starts up |

EO banned EVERYONE from responding to memo
EO closed memo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweet Jegus! You weren't even gone for that long! So much for a well-ordered discussion about SGRUB. That's the last time you post a memo without strict guidelines. Reading that memo really got you riled up, you should probably go be someone else until you calm down.
- Arcanum, 3 years ago
• You are now Tergum.

>Check grubtop.

It would appear that you have a message from pandorasArchivist. Outfuckingstanding. What's more, the memo you posted has been added to.

>Check memo

You choose the option that's less likely to make you want to destroy your computer. Scalis isn't exactly your favorite troll these days.

=>

absentPsychologist [AP] responded to memo:THE D[]PEST []F BEATS S[] D[]PE
AP: Up come the hopper, mouthing off like he's smooth.
AP: Spitting words like te creep has got somehing to prove.
AP: And so summon the master, with a lesson in slam.
AP: AP, who the hell do you think I am?
AP: I am the fucking kaiser of word and rhyme.
AP: Who finds it, SO ironic that you put down the time,
AP: to TRY to diss me, when everybody knows
AP: that your barely have seech, let alone flows.
AP: So mr I hate everything, a sweep in advance
AP: Before the Drone comes knocking and you're pissing your pants
AP: I, the savior of spades, will be grinning above
AP: To lead you through all you are intolerant of
AP: And till every pail's full, from caast to coast.
AP: And I have all the blame of that shameful boast.
AP: I will be working my MAGIC with wave of my hand,
AP: ...or untl we're all shipped off to far away lands.
AP: And thats, real.

oh what is this shit.

You think we all know what this is.

What it is is on.

>Drop it. Preferably like it's hot.

AH: []h n[], I'm s[] s[ared; what the he|_|_ wi|_|_ I d[]?
AH: Had n[] [|_ue the Psy[h[]|_[]gist was s[] s^^[][]th.
AH: Wait, psy[he, any tr[]|_|_ can see that ain't true,
AH: Best step ba[k []r[]bas, we b[]th kn[]w that y[]u'|_|_ |_[]se.
AH: Y[]u d[]n't think that I'm s[ared by a third rate Tr[]|_|_ Dr. Phi|_?
AH: S[] g[] fu[k y[]urse|_f if y[]u want th[]se bu[kets t[] fi|_|_.
AH: Y[]u're the "kaiser of rhy^^e?" ^^[]re |_ike the kaiser []f fai|_.
AH: What's it ^^atter t[] y[]u h[]w I fi|_|_ ^^y []wn pai|_?
AH: Y[]u're just sa|_ty [uz I'd never give y[]u the ti^^e,
AH: S[] fu[k []ff and ^^ake way f[]r the true ^^aster of Rhy^^e.

=>

There. Much better. A troll can't take that sort of insult lying down. Gotta represent, y'know?

> Open Message from Scalis

You find a single text document inside the otherwise blank message. You figure whatever he has to say can't be as bad as Leraje's painful attempt at rap.

> Open "Unevolved Love.trlxt"

Dear god. You were wrong. So horribly, horribly wrong. You have never been so completely wrong about anything in your life, jegus fuck. You can feel your brain melting as your eyes scan the words on the screen, but dammit, you can't look away. The only thing more horrible than your utter wrongness is the literary abomination raping your eyes and mind.

You thought you had felt pain before. You were mistaken.

Now you can't feel anything.

There are six hundred and ninety nine pages left to go.

Joey grinned as Bronze finally removed his pants. "It was tough, but I managed to beat a tough trainer the other day."

The older Pokegrub trainer smirked. "Well Joey, now you have to beat me."

>DEAR JEGUS BE SOMEONE ELSE BE SOMEONE ELSE
- Token, 3 years ago
• > Reply to Sharl some more

-- butketHed [BH] began trolling hastyExecutor [HE] --
BH: Iropha. d-(^,^)/ I hope you are doing great...
BH: I found some new items. :3
BH: As always, if you are in the mood to check out what I got... Well, you know what we do. $_$
BH: Regardless, I hope you are in the most favorable of positions. Looking forward to hearing from you... Even if you just want to spend time instead. \m/ (^.^) \m/*
HE: SH^^^^^^^RL!!!
HE: I H^vE ^ SURPRISE FOR YOU!!! >:3
HE: OH, ^N> YOU WOUL>N'T |<NOW ^NYTHING ^BOUT SOME C^|<ES, WOUL> YOU?
BH: Oh, fantastic. That is great to know. <(^.^<) "(^.^)" (>^.^)>
BH: I got a few SURPRISES of my own to SHOW you. (~_^)
BH: Anyhow, you want CAKES? Or just knowledge about them... I'm NO GOOD at BAKING, so I would not be the best person to ask about such things... (,_,)
BH: ^,^ However, I FIND a pretty large cake somewhere... Quite a surprise, really. Almost like it FELL off the back of a LOCOMOTIVE... >_>
BH: Still quite EDIBLE once I removed the few dirty parts... :-9 Delicious, I tell you.
BH: May I be so bold to VISIT you at your HIVE shortly or you want to come over to my WAREHIVE? 0w0
HE: JUST C^|<ES IN GENER^L
HE: ^NYW^Y, >ON'T WORRY ^BOUT YOUR TERRIBLE COO|<ING SO MUCH
HE: H^vE SOME OF YOUR FILTHY C^|<E
HE: YOU |<NOW YOU W^NT TO
HE: IT'LL CHEER YOU UP!
HE: ^N> ^ SURPRISE FOR ME?!?
HE: ST^Y WHERE YOU ^RE!!!
HE: I'LL BE THERE vERY SOON
HE: F^STER TH^N THE EYE C^N SEE
HE: TH^T'S HOW IT GOES

hastyExecutor [HE] ceased trolling butketHed [BH]

You have to be on the lookout, keep your reflexes sharp. Your lusus loves to ambush you.

Your lusus is a GYROJETFALCON. It's similar to an animal from another planet that won't exist for millions of years except it's ten times the size, jet propelled and able to shoot rockets.

It's times like these you wish you still had your SWOOPBIKE. But it's in a difficult to get at place and you're missing the RARE PARTS you'd need to fix it up anyway.

> Curse RARE PARTS.

Curse you RARE PARTS, CURSE YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!

> Get on with things

You suppose you should make your exit now. The TERMINAL DEADLINE is far away, but this PACKAGE won't deliver itself!

> Switch scenes
- Arhra, 3 years ago
• > Switch Scenes
You go back to being Scalis. About time, too.

You are still busily patrolling. What little light there is flickers, casting strange shadows. You hear a barely perceptible rustling, as of the shelves shifting and settling... or of tomes turning your way, observing your passage. You think both are equally likely. As always, you are neither quite certain of where you are, nor of where you will end up being. The librarchivary can be a very strange place indeed. You look around at the ceiling-high shelves (and they are very high ceilings indeed), crammed with all manner of tomes and writings. There's no lamps, but that's allright. Somehow, there's always enough light to see by. You think you're somewhere in aisle 7. Judging from the book titles around you, somewhere in the "DEADLY ALTERNIAN FAUNA" section. Which you might as well rename "ALTERNIAN FAUNA", come to think of it.

Though you can't be sure you are where you think you are, of course. The light isn't that great, and whenever you focus on a book title, it seems to... swim before your eyes. Books have a mind of their own here, you're sure of that. Knowlege is power, they say... and if that's true, then this place is very powerful indeed. It's a question you ponder frequently, when not busy otherwise. Sometimes you even think the place doesn't want to be ORGANIZED, but that would be silly. It is your duty to manage it!

Though your brain might be a good place to start managing. Your memory has been giving you trouble again. And by 'trouble' you mean 'splitting headaches resulting from your poor mind trying to somehow store the memories of everything you've ever experienced'. You really need to send some more lightning through it. Or maybe just read a good book...?

Nah. Lighting. Definitely lightning. Though speaking of good books, is that...
Sweet troll jegus, it is!
The next book in your current favorite series, "A DIVERSE GROUP OF YOUNG TROLLS WHO EMPLOY ALIEN TECHNOLOGY ACQUIRE THE ABILITY TO SHAPE-SHIFT, -OR "MORPH"- INTO FAUNA AND USE THIS ABILITY TO COMBAT A SECRET INVASION BY OTHER PARASITIC ALIENS WHO POSSESS THE POWER OF MIND CONTROL".

It is a very gripping series indeed. You crouch down near the shelf, pull the slim book out, and soon forget your patrols as you immerse yourself in a slightly more interesting adventure. You do not notice the rustling gradually grow in volume. Or the... whispering.
- Geminex, 3 years ago
• >Change to someone less boring.

Well, it seems like things have calmed down some... Let's see if we can get to know this girl some.

>Enter Name.

CRAZED LOLI

Ok, she apperentally has no sense of humor... let's try again.

>Re-enter name.

She is Piron Glauca. Some consider her a bit of a savage, especally considering her MIGRATING HUNTS, and the rather hands-on hunting habits she has. And the fact she prefer wriggling prey.

Because of her habits, she don't have much of a hive, it's more a safe place to put what little things she has, and a good place to rest. Her Lucus and her tend to frequently strife when it comes to larger prey, the results of which tends to leave some scars on both parties.

Her trolltag is StalkerSahagin, and she don't tend to say much.

She's currentally gathering up some shiny fish for some unknown reason into her catchaplogue cards, then merging them togeather to help save space.

>Let her fish. Be a random troll.
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >Let her fish. Be a random troll.

You are now the, as of yet, unnamed MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPER troll who is currently engaged in an OUTRAGEOUS STRIFE FIGHT SCENE with a visually impaired SEA JAGUAREN in the middle of a storm.

The battle rages on, many aggrieves and abjures are being exchanged between the salty sea-sabrecats. Thankfully, the beast has only a vague idea of the troll's location and can do nothing more than swipe about wildly in the vain hope of catching him. On the flipside, the blind attacks are making it impossible for you to get close enough to strike at the weak point and are forcing you back towards the shore. And if you end up in ocean, that's it. Game over. Now would be good time for a brilliant manuever to turn the tide. Ugh, I just made a pun there didn't I?

You open your sylladex, which uses a Tidal Modus. This makes it so that depending on the time of night and position of the moons, everything is either instantly accessible or impossible to retreive without the use of a fishing pole. Right now it appears to be high tide and all the cards are submerged. Guess you'll have to fish something out. There's no telling which one you'll get though.

You quickly use your pole-and-line to pull out a captchalogued item, which happened to be a BRASS IDIOPHONIC CUP AND CLAPPER. Not just any old BRASS IDIOPHONIC CUP AND CLAPPER either, it was the very first EXOTIC ARTIFACT OF INTEREST you picked up on your travels around Alternia. You recovered it from the area around an old meteor impact site some sweeps earlier and have carried around with you ever since as sort of a... well I wouldn't say good luck charm. You were never the type to believe in luck and superstition. It's more of memento, really. Plus you've always been fascinated by the words inscribed on it.

"RING THE BELL IF WE DID IT WELL"

You believe if you knew the context and meaning of those words, you would probably have a vastly greater understanding of how the universe and paradox space function.

Now's a good time for this thing to start being usefull. You shake the CUP AND CLAPPER vigorously, making it very clear where you are now. The Jaguaren's ears perk up. You then quickly chuck it towards the right side of the creature, it hits the sand with a soft clang and the great cat-seal thing immediately starts to ferociously claw at the spot where it landed. It worked!

THE SOUND RUSE WAS A........
DISTACTION.
Its got its ears off of you momentarily and its weak spot is right in front of you. You're never going to get a better opportunity than this.

>Fishertroll-Powerslide under the beastie.

YEAH!!!!!!!!

You are now under the Sea Jaguaren's belly and its weak point is literally within your grasp. It's time you ended this strife. The winds howl. Lightning flashes. Thunder shakes you to your very core. You wind up... and then... furiously rub the thing's belly.

The Sea Jaguaren seizes up before dropping onto its side with its tongue hanging out. You rub faster and it starts kicking the air with its good back flipper.

Try to maul the hand that feeds you, aye? Well, this'll teach ye, ye big sack of fur and blubber! After a few seconds, you sure he's learned his lesson and ease off. The great aquatic predator slowly gets back to its feet and flippers, and promptly gives you a lick that almost knocks you over. You give the big lug a pat on the snout and direct him over to the fresh D'LAK'N that you fished up and beached for him.

The NOTSO DEEP ONE lets out a haunting screech as BEECHIE, your blind and semi-noseless Sea Jaguaren lusus with a bad left back flipper, tears into its squishy flesh and feels around for its favorite parts. You quickly retrieve the IDIOPHONIC CUP AND CLAPPER from the damp sand and head back to the dock for to get your wagon full of tasty, swimming bastards.

You look back once to watch Beechie as he heartily devours the tentacled monstrosity. He was really hungry. And yet he choose to fight with you first instead of getting food for himself. Well, that's Beechie for you. You can't complain, his troll rearing methods worked out well for the most part.

Still, watching him eat like that... You bet he wishes he could still gather food on his own. That thought causes a twinge of pain in an old wound. That night... it was storming just like it is now. (Not too surprising really, it's always storming in these waters. Something about the moons' position or micro-climates or some sort of meteorologolical mumbo jumbo.) Doesn't stop you from thinking about it though. The night where your life's purpose was snatched away from you. The night that left both you and your lusus broken in your own seperate ways. The worst part about the events that transpired that night, it was sort of your fault.

Oh, look at that. You're back at the dock. You take another look back and see that Beechie has eaten his fill of deep one flesh. He's now searching around with his ears, trying pick up some kind of indication of where you are. No time for feeling down, gotta get him and this fish back to the hive.

>Give lusus reasurring pet and walk back to your hive.

You do just that, except also while pulling a fish cart. Beechie leans up against the wagon slightly, so as to know where your going and to take some weight off his bad flipper. It isn't that long a walk from the dock to your hive on the cape, but since your hauling a wagon full of fish and leading a blind lame behemoth... well, you're going to be spending a just a little bit more time out in the rain.

Oh, well. It's not like it's the end of the world.

>Enter Name

[CAOWAY HEMNET]

You are CAOWAY HEMNET. A former ADVENTURER, current MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPER. You have interests which were touched upon earlier and a few others that we will find out about when we enter your hive.

Your Trollian handle is melancholicChumly and MC:/j You type in a curt manner. Peppere/) with line-and-poleS\.

>Spotlight a troll who hasn't gotten much attention.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• > Spotlight a troll who hasn't gotten much attention.

How about one that gotten a marginal amount of attention?

> Fine. Spotlight any troll. Get on with it!

You are now the FRANTIC and yet simultaneously GIDDY MERCHANT SHARL! Stuffing all his possessions in his VALUE MODUS, a mad dash is made toward the general direction of the WAREHIVE. There is NO TIME TO WASTE ! A grand opportunity where a troll directly visits his HIVE on business means he can PULL ALL THE STOPS in processing an odious amounts of fantastic WARES which he can could not normally stuff in his modus on a regular basis! Maybe IROPHA would be interested in some "OUTDATED GRUB JUICE". Or some SHINY TRINKETS or SECONDHAND DOODADS! If you're EXCEEDINGLY LUCKY, you might be able to sell some of your Lusus's ABSTRACT ART which has been an eyesore on your front lawn ever since it decided to be an artist with your hard-earned wealth.

> This might take a while, how about you be someone else?
- Menarker, 3 years ago
• > This might take a while, how about you be someone else?

We see Piron, now swimming to a coral cave, which is the closest thing she has to a Hive. Once inside, what should be a dark cave in actually lit by a series of glowing crystals.

These crystals seem to calm her some, as she looks into the glow of the crystal.

>Examine Respiteblock

It's fairly sparse, with a small recupercoon, and a fairly old-looking husktop. There was some rolled-up posters in the corner, and some more crystals of a different kind in a chest. Off in another corner was some fish bones, presumably snacks from earlior.

The entry isn't big enough for the lusus, and that's probably for the best. After all, the two would probably end up scuffling when it came time for food.

>Activate computer.

She moves over to the HUSKTOP and starts to boot it up... but because it's on the older side, it'll take a bit to boot up. So why don't we see what else is going on in the meantime?

>Be someone else.
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else.

You are now GORRMA. Lucky you.

You are typing away at your HUSKTOP. You seem to be very interested in what you're typing.

created memo: omni's cooking adventure funtimesh!"]omnipotentOminivore [OO] opened memo: omni’s cooking adventure funtimesh!!
OO: okay, sho i’m trying a new recipe and i wanted to write it down where i won’t forget it!
OO: feel free to try it for yourshelvesh if you want, guysh!

Ingredientsh:
2 ½ cupsh cooked pashta (i like the onesh that are shaped like bowties!)
1 cup dried mushroomsh (if you’re not feeling adventuroush, you can check to shee if they’re poishonoush mushroomsh before you ushe them!)
1 ½ cupsh of fresh tadpolesh (the texture ish better if they’re fresh, otherwishe they either get rubbery or they dry out and crumble into baby-frog-dusht.)
1 cup of sheashonal vegetable matter, diced. (I usually jusht gather whatever’sh growing in the woodsh when I go out hunting for the mushroomsh, but you can ushe whatever you like. yeshterday i found some lichen and some weird floaty algae i saw in a pond with the tadpolesh, sho i’ll ushe that too!)
2 tsps curry powder (we’re gonna make a curry shauce for the pashta! i bet that’ll give it a good shpicy kick!)
1 cup of

Future omnipotentOmnivore [FOO] (six hours from now) responded to memo.

FOO: pssht! hey!
OO: ????
FOO: hi me!
OO: ???????
OO: okay, which one of you guysh is messhing with my memo??? that’sh not funny; i’m trying to be niche here and share my recipesh with you.
FOO: no, it’sh me! Er… you! or.. ush? ]:-) i’m you in the future! or… you’re me in the pasht, i guessh.
OO: ….. ]:-\
FOO: no, sherioushly, it’sh a feature on trollian! you’ll figure it out later.
FOO: anyway, that’sh not important. i’m here from the grim future to give you an important warning!
OO: warning?
FOO: yeah. don’t use the curry shauce. it overpowersh the shubtle flavorsh of the mushrooms. trusht me on thish.
OO:…..?
OO: ….!!!!!
OO: oh wow, i didn’t even think of that! it totally would! hmmmm…. maybe a vinaigrette would be better.
FOO: totally better.
OO:…. but wait…. if i don’t use the curry shauce, then you won’t come back in time to warn me not to use the curry shauce. and if you didn’t warn me, i wouldn’t have thought to ushe the vinaigrette and would end up using the curry shauce anyway…? and then if i ushe the curry shauce anyway…. ugh!! thish ish sho confushing!
FOO: you think it’sh bad now, give it a few hoursh. jusht wait till everygrub and their brother ish on here typing away at their pasht and future shelvesh. anyway, itsh no big deal. jusht remember to have thish convershation with yourshelf later, no matter what happensh with the recipe. problem sholved, paradox avoided!
OO: that makesh shenshe!
FOO: ]:-D well, good luck with the pashta shalad!
OO: thanksh! oh, any other hintsh you can give me about the future? what am i doing 6 hoursh from now? have we shtarted the shgrub game yet?
FOO: …….
FOO: yeah
FOO: i can’t really talk about it, though. i’m not shupposhed to shpoil it for you.
OO: oh, okay. i guessh i’ll find out in the next few hoursh anyway. ]:-D well, I’m gonna go back to cooking. later, future me!
FOO: later!

Future omnipotentOmnivore [FOO] stopped responding to memo.

Future omnipotentOmnivore [FOO] responded to memo.

FOO: oh… me?
OO: ..?
FOO: uh
FOO:. . .
FOO: give
FOO:...
FOO: give nommington a hug for me, okay? ]:-(
OO: ???? okay... why? ishn’t he there playing shgrub with me?
FOO: ...
FOO: um... he’sh here, yeah.
FOO: it’sh just...
FOO: ...
FOO: i have to go now.
FOO: i have important future shtuff to do.

Future omnipotentOmnivore [FOO] ceased responding to memo.

OO: huh. i musht have left shomething in the oven again. in the future.
OO: okay, thish ish getting too weird. i’ll work on the recipe later.

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] closed memo.

>Well that was weird. Go be someone else for a while_
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >Go be someone else for a while_

You are Leraje agaiSTRIFE!

Seymour leaps off the wall, his climbing prowess nearly as powerful as his swimming just where you weren't Looking. But his stealth could not mask the whoosh of his approach and you youth roll out of the way. His tail meeting the floor and busting a hole in it...dammit that is going to take forever to fix.

That is for later though. For now Seymour has already spun about to push his next attack. His speed is terrifying, as he charges your way with that mouth ready to take another limb, but you wrap your chain around your hand and right when he strikes, you do an acrobatic fucking pirouette onto his neck and wrap it in the chain.

He flips the fuck out while you ride him like a mechanical bull, narrowly avoiding all the things he tries to crash you into. Finally he pulls his desperation gambit charging up the wall and flipping off of it, your future the floor below you desperately pull on your end to avoid such a fate perhaps flipping him once more. But he is too heavy. Instead you flip him just enough that he lands headfirst into the floor, the whiplash tossing you off his back so your face meets it as well.

You both stare blankly at each other a moment, and call a temporary truce.

You're going to need some time to recover from being so thoroughly concussed, be someone else.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >You're going to need some time to recover from being so thoroughly concussed, be someone else.

You are now Zebrek.

>Do something that's actually important.

You have no idea what that means.

>DO SOMETHING.

Like what? You suppose you could start another war with your toys...

>NO NOT THAT DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Care to propose any ideas?

>TROLLIAN. GO TROLL SOMEBODY.

You make your way over to your HUSKTOP, miraculously managing not to trip on something.

>======>

spectacularHellion [SH] began trolling antipathicHopper [AH]

SH: hey dude whats up im fine
SH: hows your lets play pokegrub thing going did you finish yet did you catch them all are you still pining for troll joey man i know you really like him but its like unhealthy or something to have redrom feelings for a fictional character i mean i really like my toys but you wont see me going to the imperial drone with one of them you know
SH: oh hey have you played the new pokegrub game yet man i am its pretty cool theres like 200 new pokegrubs or something ive caught a bunch and it has a lot of neat new stuff like triple battles man so sweet so dude did you get yours yet
SH: oh and have you gotten sgrub yet

>======>
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• >=========>

You are now Aldurin, again.

You've pretty much gotten the game compiled, but you'll need to figure out a distribution strategy. You figure you give two sets to two different trolls to distribute to who they want. But you'll need to determine who first. And not just outright ask them.

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling pandorasArchivist [PA]
TA: hOw's lIfE?
PA: Our team of FAUNA-MOPHRES has sudeecced in derstoying the alien brideeng ground!
PA: No, wait.
PA: That was a book. My apigelois.
TA: nO bIg dEAl
TA: I stIll cOnsIdEr yOU cOOlEr thAn thE OthEr clOwns wE kEEp In tOUch wIth
PA: I beviele that calls for thanks.
PA: Thuogh I must say, I quisteon your cocnept of 'cool'.
PA: Unsels you have sundedly become enrancted by the mastejy of liretature?
TA: I'vE dOnE crEAtIvE wrItIng
TA: It jUst cOmEs As A mIx Of sOUnd, vIsIOn And wOrds
TA: gAmEs EssEntIAllY
TA: bUt I dOn't UsE It tO fUck Off lIkE mOst trOlls dO
TA: It's OnE Of mY Arts
PA: To quote Troll Roger Ebert, "games can never be art".
PA: But I may be sweyad by covicning agumerent.
PA: The Library can be a boring place ineded.
TA: At lEAst thErE Is ImpOrtAnt knOwlEdgE kEpt thErE
TA: trOll cUltUrE hAs mOvEd AwAy frOm thAt
TA: I AlwAys thrOw A pOsItIvE mOrAl In mY wOrks
TA: tO trY tO drAg OUr cUltUrE bAck tO dEEp thInkIng
PA: Indeed.
PA: Do you think you can be susseccful?
TA: OnlY tO A cErtAIn dEgrEE
TA: OnlY wIth thOsE trOlls thAt nEEd A nUdgE
TA: OthErs wOUld dIE bEfOrE thEY lEft thEIr lIttlE wOrld Of vApId And shAllOw plAyIng
PA: You minusterdand me.
PA: I was enriquing whether you are in any way quilafeid for such an udternaking?
TA: I thInk thE mAIn qUAlIfIcAtIOn Is wIllIng tO trY And lEArn
TA: I UsEd tO bElIEvE I cOUld chAngE EvErYOnE's vIEw Of thE wOrld
TA: gIvE thEm AnOthEr pErspEctIvE tO cOnsIdEr
TA: bUt I'vE lEArnEd thAt It dOEsn't ApplY tO EvErYOnE
TA: I stIll trY, thOUgh And It fEEls gOOd tO knOw thAt I'm dOIng sOmEthIng
PA: What exalcty it is you are doing renaim to be seen.
PA: I have invulantirily mezorimed saveral mellinnia of troll hitsory.
PA: Whetaver the troll perpecstive is, it has sevred us well.
TA; It hAs fOr mIlItArY And sUrvIvAl pUrpOsEs
TA: bUt I'm fOcUsIng On EnlIghtEnmEnt
TA: As lAmE As thAt sOUnds, thErE Is mErIt In thErE
TA: bUt whAt dO yOU thInk? shOUld wE prOgrEss In OnlY OnE dIrEctIOn Or cOnsIdEr thE OthEr rOAds?
PA: You really shuold get back to wrinitg craevilety.
PA: Write down those thuoghts you have.
PA: In fact, send them to me!
PA: I wuold gladly achrive them.
PA: Probably under aisle 72.3
PA: "UTTERLY IRRELEVANT TRAINS OF THOUGHT".
PA: Right next to volume 3 of "WHAT IF SHELVES WERE NOT SHELVES".
PA: Serouisly, what kind of quisteon is that awynay?
TA: I'll gEt An AnswEr OUt Of yOU At sOmE pOInt
technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased trolling pandorasArchivist [PA]

Well that gave you some hope. The only archivist of all of the trolls and he dodges a question on intellectual enlightenment. And he is probably one of the better choices still. You'll have to ponder this, maybe confide with your lusus.

>====>
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >====>

You observe a cave, containing a wounded-but-recovering IMPERIAL DRONE.

> Be IMPERIAL DRONE

The drone is refusing to look at you. It is hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. Isn't it a living, thinking being as well? Do you think it doesn't have feelings? That it doesn't deserve a name? It thought you cared!

> Geez, calm down.

Allright. Better make it a good name, though, or you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

> ENTER NAME:

> KRIC YELTSA

Well done! Maybe you do care after all!

> Be KRIC YELTSA

You are now KRIC YELTSA. You are a mighty IMPERIAL DRONE. And today is your wriggling day!
It was just six solar sweeps ago that your drone-larva was selected by the IMPERIAL OVERLORD to become an IMPERIAL DRONE! You grew up without a lusus and in one of the ROMBARRACKS, surrounded by other soon-to-be drones, learning the complexities of troll romance and combat. You recently completed your training and were sent on your first mission. It has not been going too well up until now.

> Recount recent events
Unexperienced and nervous, you made several errors, resulting in your getting roasted by a laser cannon. In the days since your conflict with that impetuous, unromantic law-breaker, you have spent time recovering from his LASER in one of the many caves littering the base of his mountain.

> Seek venegance
You begin making your way back towards the entrance to the pathetic wriggler's hive. He will not escape your IMPERIAL WRATH again. He will regret his defiance when you CRUSH HIS SKULL with your twin pails of romance.
All Imperial drones wield DUAL PAILKIND. In the right hands, these make a devastating weapon.
But first, the door.

> TERMINATE door
Oh yes, that door has it coming. Bad enough that it got in your way once, it is hindering you again in your fullfillment of your duty. It too will regret its defiance.

> Retrieve DEMOLITIONS CHARGE from sylladex
You carry several demolitions charges for this kind of situation with you. You intended to use them in the first place, but you somehow couldn't retrieve them from your sylladex. But it's time to try again.

> Open ROMANCE MODUS
To train you in the arts of troll emotion and romance, you must enter a romantic relationship with the item you wish to retrieve.
This is often problematic

Demolition charges, though. Where were they when you needed them? You thought they were reliable, told that they'd always work! But when you were in front of that door, and really needed something to break it open, they abandoned you! Left you for dead! They lied to you! And then you took the hit, and now they're here in your sylladex as if nothing had ever happened! And they're still refusing to help you! Screw them, if they can blast down a door, so can you. Now where's that log...
Oh. Great. Now they let you retrieve them. Come running back when they realize you're leaving. Pathetic. Well it's too late! The log is better for you than they ever were!
You pick one up, hurl it away from you in utter disgust. By pure chance, it smashes against the door, blowing it apart utterly.

...

Huh. Allright then!

> Enter hive
Buckets at your side, you enter the despicable wriggler's hive. You're not sure whether you're supposed to get this passionate about your duty, but this troll defied you, he humiliated you, and he almost killed you.
You really, really hate him.
<3<
- Geminex, 3 years ago
• <3<

You are now Tergum.

>Tear eyes away from disgusting fanfiction

As much as you would love to, you cannot. It's just so very horrible.

And with a thrust of his heaving bone bulge, Bronze ejaculated all over-

>OH HEY LOOK AT THAT YOU'RE BEING PESTERED

Huh. Why so you are.

Oh lord. It's Zebrek. He holds a special place in your heart; you have the same utter contempt and hatred for him that you do for... well, everything and everyone, really. But since he's talking to you right now, it's less of the usual THROBBING ODIUM, and more of an UNFUCKINGQUENCHABLE DISGUST.

Ugh. Do you have to? You find his constant lack of continuity to be infuriating.

>Yes.

Fine. Fuck you.

AH:In []rder:
AH:I'^^ re|_ative|_y fine. []ther than having to ta|_k t[] y[]ur s[]rry ass.
AH:Shut up, it'|_|_ be updated when it's updated, n[] it's not finished, yes i have [aught them a|_|_. A|_|_ []f the^^. I d[]n't have red fee|_ings f[]r Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey, []r anything e|_se f[]r that ^^atter, fu[k y[]u and fu[k y[]ur t[]ys.
AH: Yes, I've p|_ayed it. It's n[]t entire|_y shitty.
AH: What the fu[k is sgrub.
AH: P|_ease phrase y[]ur answer in the f[]r^^ []f a questi[]n.

>Check the memo while you wait for Zebrek to respond.

AP: Master of rhyme? Shit grub, you're spitting air,
AP: While I breathe the chains that devour and snare.
AP: That troll Dr. Phil ain't got nothing on me
AP: And you're hate is so thick you can't even see
AP: AP, the kaiser knows that your ass is lost
AP: So he's gonna lead you through every passage you cross
AP: Else you'll end up afraid, confused and alone
AP: With nothing to give to that imprial drone
AP: We need pity and hate if we're gonna survive.
AP: And while you may not get that's the reason I strive
AP: To pull you're hate down to ONE both in darkness in flushed.
AP: And a rhyme or two to keep your stupid ass hushed.
AP: <>

What. Oh hell naw.

>Oh wait there's more.

BI: Why can’t you two cease being so laxe?
BI: There are ladies presente, why can’t you have some classe!
BI: There’s just no excuse for termse so obscene
BI: They make you sound awfully rude and unclean!
BI: I don’t care if you’re a King, Kaisere, or a Duke
BI: Because either way your language makes me want to puke.
BI: We all know troll Dr. Phil is just completely gross
BI: Yet it seems to be him you look up to the most
BI: and don’t think your any better Capiti.
BI: You just think you are so greate
BI: Even though you act all second-rate
BI: You make troll-Joey seem like less than a prick!
BI: You nevere shut up about how greate you are
BI: But it takes you so longe just to get so far!
BI: If you were normal you could clear it in about 2 weeks
BI: But you have to power-level like a freake.
BI: Oh wow did all that really rhyme.
BI: That was completely on accidente.

You really can't describe just how much you hate your friends.

AP: Accidental I'm sure, if that's what you say.
AP: And sometimes the words may come out that way.
AP: But when I see how you ripped with reference and style,
AP: Makes me think the last two are nothing but guile
AP: PROFILED! A slammer asleep in our midst
AP: Even if you might say that it doesn't exist
AP: Apologies quick for language so lewd
AP: But in this art vulgarity is considered shrewd
AP: RUDE! But addicting beyond our belief
AP: As the hopper will battle to throw up some grief
AP: And traditionaly I must call him wack
AP: Cause that is the way that you dip and attack
AP: CRACK! Like a chain that shatters your bone
AP: The words will strike quickly, their angles unknown.
AP: So all join the dopest of beats so dope
AP: And make rhymes that are beyond measure in scope.
AP: NO HOPE! RESISTACE IS FUTILE._.

Oh, shit. They are totally beating you.

> Lay down beats so hard that it will destroy them.

You can't. You're sort of overwhelmed.

>Fine. Settle for a lame insult.

That you can do.

AH: []h, he|_|_ t[] the naw, y[]u tw[] best step the fu[k back.
AH: Where the fu[k d[] y[]u get []ff, ca|_|_in’ ^^e wa[k?
AH: I’^^ the wizard of w[]rdp|_ay; r[]ya|_ ^^aster []f rap,
AH: Y[]u’re a third-rate therapist and a fish wh[] draws ug|_y [rap.

You really should be ashamed of how bad that was. Oddly enough, you aren't.

>Be someone less embarrassing.
- Token, 3 years ago
• >Be someone less embarrassing

You are now Aldurin, again,

>Check status on distribution

You already have Scalis scoped out to be a distributor and are almost ready to go in for the kill.

>Go in for the kill

Not yet, you still have another candidate to interrogate. You have a good feeling about giving Caoway distribution rights, too.

>Do it then!! DO IT!!

Fine.

technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling melancholicChumly [MC]
TA: I'm tOO jUdgEmEntAl tO trUst EnOUgh trOlls wIth thIs
TA: sO I wAnt yOU tO dEEm whO Is wOrthY
TA: dO yOU wAnt In?
MC: /)on't really have much of a choice now /)o I?
TA: I nArrOwEd It dOwn tO yOU Or zEb
TA: cOnsIdEr It An Act Of gOOd wIll I chOsE yOU
MC: G\oo/) will towardS\ whom?
MC: S\hit, I'm already reG\rettinG\ doinG\ thiS\.
TA: yOU wOn't rEgrEt It
TA: At wOrst yOU'll gEt tO wAtch yOUr EnEmIEs dIE
TA: At bEst yOU'll gEt thE UltImAtE OnE-Up AgAInst thEm
MC: I really /)on't care about that.
MC: The only perS\on I ever truly wanted to kill iS\ already in troll Davy Jone'S\ laundryblock.
TA: bUt thAt's nOt rEAllY thE pOInt
TA: like "no quirk" serious
TA: there's some scary coding shit in this game
TA: it draws a shitload of power from what appear to be sub-dimensional singularities
TA: at least that's how the translator program says it
TA: whatever this thing does, I'm definitely not gonna miss out
TA: also Alternia will be destroyed when we start the game, so it's best to join just to stay alive
MC: Fuck, that'S\ whatS\ G\oing to happen?
MC: I coul/) have /just told me that from the beG\inninG\.
TA: I'm not going to ask what that means right now
TA: what I want you to do is find seven other trolls that you trust enough to come along with us
TA: I'll have someone else find six others
TA: that'll make an even 16, which should be optimal for a session of this
TA: if you don't want to choose I'll just give this to Zebrek and he can pass it out to any troll he wants
TA: are you up for this?
MC: Not like I have anythinG\ better to do.
MC: /just S\end me the data and I'll find S\ome playerS\.
MC: Luckily, we live on a planet full of pS\ychotic children /)eeply immerS\ed in /)ea/)ly roleplaying G\ameS\.
technopathicalAnomaly sent melancholicChumly file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt"
TA: hAvE A gOOd dAY
MC: /)oubt it.
TA: whAtEvEr wOrks
technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased trolling melancholicChumly [MC]

That went pretty well. At least now you know that other trolls are willing to participate.

Shit, the lights are flickering again. You need to tell your lusus to stop using so much power for whatever he's building, or he better build a third reactor to compensate for it.

>Be someone else.
- Aldurin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else.

You are now Caoway, several hours in the past. You've just finished pickling a few eels outside in your sustenance-storageblock and are now standing in the common/labor/foyerblock of your cozy hive. You are cold, wet, and can barely move a muscle with all the various items of interest crammed into this tiny block. I mean, it was pretty crowded before but ever since you renovated to make a block for Beechie to sleep in, you've been tripping over things non-stop. Maybe it's time you took inventory of all your crap and threw some things out.

>Caoway: View outside.

Yeah, forget cleaning up. You'd rather go back outside into the storm to get a look at your hive which you've probably seen no less than a thousand times before. You observe your hive, a quaint two-story structure built on the narrow, high cape of this island. The hive has two entryways, one troll sized entry on the far left and one large hastily constructed portal big enough to fit an elephant through. Before Beechie lost his sight and sense of smell, he preferred to sleep on the beaches. Never liked being cooped up. Neither do you for that matter. But after the incident, you moved him into the hive so you could better look after him. However, the worker drones refused to come to your island and construct additional blocks, so you had to reconstruct the insides of your hive yourself to accommodate your lusus' girth. This of course meant minimizing your own living space on the first floor, hence the crowding.

You turn your gaze at the two smaller structures located just outside, your sustenance-storageblock and the load-gaperblock. Better not get those two mixed up.

You stare out at the fantastic view of the surf pounding into some jagged rocks below. Turn around and you can see the stretch of beach with the pier your boat's docked at. Totally worth the strange troll disease you'll come down with from staying out here so long.

>Caoway: Enter hive.

You are once again inside and standing in your something/somethingelse/someotherthingblock. You can still barely move. You look around and take in all the clutter. By the door, there's a pedestal with a framed picture of your late nemesis, freshly coated with expactorate. Ritual, perpetuated.

In front of you there's a table (or whatever trolls call it) littered with charts, maps, a telescope, and sextant. More maps adorn the free spaces on the wall, along with a poorly taxadermied fish-thing and the calender. Underneath the table is a chest containing numerous EXOTIC ARTIFACTS OF INTEREST. To your left you can see the stairway to your respiteblock and the vintage VINYL MUSIC DISK PLAYER with the collection of MOLAWNRING VINYL DISKS that's blocking it. To your right you can see a bookshelf holding many of the journals you've written in the past which is slightly obstructing the passageway that leads to Beechie's block.

You squeeze between things to get a look into the block. Looks like the big guy's helping himself to the pile of fresh sea creatures you left for him. That should keep him full for about, oh, half a day.

>Caoway: Examine Calender

It is the blah-blah Perigee of the blah-blah season's blah. Oh hey, your Wriggling Day is next week. Whoop-dee-doo.

NEMESIS! He was your NEMESIS! And you would never regard that bastard with any sort of fondness whatsoever! The damage he did to you and your lusus! The way he was so high and mighty just because trolls loved reading his literary works far more then yours. It's a gogdamn blessing to the universe as a whole that the horned sack of Lordwail leavings is dead and never got a chance to mix his genes into the slurry! You only regret that it was the sea that did him in and not you.

*Hkkk-ptoo*

There, ritual doubly perpetuated.

>Read crappy literature and scold yourself for writing it.

Like hell you would scold yourself. No matter how these journals turned out, your intentions are still clearly etched into the clumsy wording on these pages. You wanted to share with all of Alternia your personal tales of true romance. Not relationships, but the love of adventure and exploration. The thrill of visiting new and exotic locals, not as a conquerer, but as a troll seeking his fortune and getting into dangerous scrapes along the way.

Yeah, real adventuring! None of that stat-bat, FLARPing nonsense. You'd sooner take a blunderbuss and paint the walls of your hive with your think-pan than take part in one of those games or something similiar.

Even so, your journals were snubbed by practically everyone on the internet, even a few of your friends. Because you are a really shitty writer.

>Stop sulking and check the chest for your arms.

No arms in here, just some EXOTIC ARTIFACTS OF INTEREST you accumulated from your adventures. Let's take a look.

Okay, you've pick up: TIN CAN OF ALIEN VEGETATION (2) (said to give phenomenal temporary strength to anyone who ingests the contents), FIRST EDITION ISSUE OF THE GARRISON OF CATASTROPHIC KISMET FROM TROLL GRANT MORRISON'S RUN (very trippy issue), SHODDY DO-IT-YOURSELF TAXIDERMY KIT AND INSTRUCTION BOOK (Definitely not worth the chest of Krannish gold you traded for it), BEAGLEPUSS(Wear these and you're all but impervious), JADE SKULL NECKLACE(Getting it out of that tomb was such a hassle), CROW COMPASS (Always points in the direction of the place you absolutely do not want to go to), MUSCLEBEAST POTRAIT (Merchant wanted wanted three thousand golds for it, but you beat him down to two. Literally.), CRAPPY DO-IT-YOURSELF TAXIDERMY KIT AND INSTRUCTION BOOK (How did Sharl trick you into buying another one?), and AMPHIBIOUS IDOL OF CATACLYSM (Ooooo, foreboding).

And then everything you picked up gets captchalogued and all of it except the froggy looking thing is lost to the sylladex. Way to go, numbnuts.

>Caoway: Examine the croaker.

Oh yeah, this thing. It was last artifact you acquired before that night. Some noble fishtroll asked you to investigate a frog temple on the opposite side of the planet from where she lived and pick up something for her museum. You found the idol deep within the temple and had learned quite a bit about it from the cryptic messages left on the walls and clutched in the boney hands of skeletons. Apparently, several generations of trolls formed cults built up around the idol. Then, in every iteration of the cult, all of trolls' lusii would mysteriously drop dead and the trolls themselves would suffer brutal deaths at the hands of a very angry Imperial Drone, because they spent all their time worshipping a stupid frog instead of forming relationships. Some of the messages seemed to indicate that the idol itself was the source of the cataclysms that plagued the cults and called it cursed.

But again, you don't believe in any of that superstitious load. It does now occur to you though that the noble who charged you with the acquistion and delivery of this parcel probably won't be too happy that you forgot to report back to her for over half a sweep.

Eh, who cares?

>Be a troll whose in sync chronologically with the events of the RP.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Be a troll whose in sync chronologically with the events of the RP.

You fail to be a troll who's in sync chronologically with the events of the RP.

You are now Zebrek an undetermined amount of time in the past.

After much nagging and begging, your friend has finally agreed to let you visit his LIBRARCHIVARY, the CENTRAL INSTITUTION FOR THE COLLECTING, SORTING AND ANALZING OF TOMES, ARTIFACTS, WEAPONS, CREATURES AND ABSTRACT PHENOMENA. You are here to see if they have any movies or comic books or coloring books in stock. Your friend will not be party to your quest of futility and is currently out. He has let you visit on the condition that nothing can be the slightest bit out of place or he will "shove a copy of THE LARGEST AND MOST DETAILED COLLECTION OF HISTORY, FACTS, SCIENCE, CURRENT EVENTS, FUTURE EVENTS, CHIT CHAT, JIBBERJABBER AND OTHER DETAILS IN BOOK FORM so far up your excrement chute you'll be shitting through your mouth for the rest of your miserable life".

Not that there's any danger of that happening, since so far this place has been boring as hell.

You long ago abandoned your search for anything interesting. Now you're just looking for the bathroom, because you could really use a load gaper right now. To top it all off, in your mad search you lost track of where you are and now you're lost. Now why couldn't they like, put some directories around here? Or make every hallway not look like every other hallway.

>Dance like an idiot and shit on a shelf.

You are already dancing like an idiot because you really have to gooooooooo.

With no better ideas and nary a bathroom in sight, you just can't hold it anymore.

Aaaahhhhhh...

>Use book pages for toilet paper.

You grab a nearby book and rip a couple of pages out. Don't wanna get any skidmarks.

>Burn all the copies of THE LARGEST AND MOST DETAILED COLLECTION OF HISTORY, FACTS, SCIENCE, CURRENT EVENTS, FUTURE EVENTS, CHIT CHAT, JIBBERJABBER AND OTHER DETAILS IN BOOK FORM before they can be anally inserted into your person.

You have no idea where they are!

You decide that it's probably a good time to get the hell out of here before you're caught.

>Be present Zebrek.

You are now present Zebrek.

spectacularHellion[SH] began trolling antipathicHopper [AH]

SH: hey dude whats up im fine
SH: hows your lets play pokegrub thing going did you finish yet did you catch them all are you still pining for troll joey man i know you really like him but its like unhealthy or something to have redrom feelings for a fictional character i mean i really like my toys but you wont see me going to the imperial drone with one of them you know
SH: oh hey have you played the new pokegrub game yet man i am its pretty cool theres like 200 new pokegrubs or something ive caught a bunch and it has a lot of neat new stuff like triple battles man so sweet so dude did you get yours yet
SH: oh and have you gotten sgrub yet
AH:In []rder:
AH:I'^^ re|_ative|_y fine. []ther than having to ta|_k t[] y[]ur s[]rry ass.
AH:Shut up, it'|_|_ be updated when it's updated, n[] it's not finished, yes i have [aught them a|_|_. A|_|_ []f the^^. I d[]n't have red fee|_ings f[]r Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey, []r anything e|_se f[]r that ^^atter, fu[k y[]u and fu[k y[]ur t[]ys.
AH: Yes, I've p|_ayed it. It's n[]t entire|_y shitty.
AH: What the fu[k is sgrub.
AH: P|_ease phrase y[]ur answer in the f[]r^^ []f a questi[]n.
SH: dude my toys are awesome fuck you back and i know you dont have red feelings for troll joey but you have black feelings and thats not good man you really should try to find someone else to have a kismesis with
SH: did you catch all the rare pokegrubs man troll-oh was really difficult to catch how did you do it
SH: i dunno about sgrub its the game were supposed to be playing i think if you wanna know more maybe you should ask ta or one of them?
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• =====>

You are now GORRMA.

>Quick, be anyone else!

You attempt to be someone else, but fail. You've always believed in being yourself!

>FIne. Look around.

You look at your surroundings. You are in one of the many FOOD STORAGE BLOCKS of your HIVE, one which you haven't visited in some time. Probably due to the VERY LARGE DEAD ANIMAL in the middle of the room. It has a variety of deadly-looking spikes, claws, and fangs.

You've been letting it age.

>Can we please look at something else?

There are several SHELVES on the wall, lined with a variety of KNICKNACKS, FOODSTUFFS OF QUESTIONABLE ORIGIN, and DISHES. One shelf seems entirely dedicated to storing cheese.

Under the shelves are a row of WOODEN CRATES. Some of the crates have lids. Some of the lidded crates have chained-on lids, as if to keep something inside.

There is a puddle of GLOWING GREEN GOO in one corner of the floor.

There is a GLIMMER OF LIGHT originating from a crate next to the shelves, as if to catch your attention.

There are exits to the SOUTH and WEST.

What will you do?

>Examine glimmery light.

What are you, a magpie? The glittery thing is the first thing you go for?

Fine. You examine the source of the light.

You peer into a crack in the WOODEN CRATE. There appears to be something inside.

The front of the crate has a series of colorful wooden panels that slide back and forth. It looks like you'll have to slide the panels into a certain pattern to open the crate.

It's a puzzle! Isn't that exciting?

>Screw that. Break the box open.

Bah, puzzles are for babies. You're a troll-woman of action! Let's do this!

>Gorrma, use CUT!

You remove your strife specibus: cleaverkind and equip JUNIOR CHEF'S MEAT CLEAVER. You then proceed to go to town on that pesky puzzle box.

Trollfessor Layton, eat your heart out.

======>

Yup, that box is toast. You examine the wreckage. Amongst the shattered wood panels lies a glittery golden object. Oh great...

CONGRATULATIONS! You found: GOLDEN SPORK (1).
You have found 358/1000 PRECIOUS METAL FLATWARE!

Good gog, another one of these things. The damned things have been popping up in your hive and surrounding forest for sweeps now, usually in annoying or hard-to-get-to places. Apparently it's some sort of mystical subquest, but you've long forgotten what the puropse of the stupid quest was.

It was fun and exciting for the first, oh, 250 of them. Now it's just annoying. You have a pile of silver spoons, golden forks, platinum pie servers and titanium chopsticks lying around here somewhere. Theu're really quite useless-- most of the metal is too soft or easily-tarnished to cook with, and don't even get yourself started on the mercury steak knife fiasco.

Oh well, now you're stuck with a golden spork. Might as well captachlogue it.

We'll come back to contine exploring this room later. For now:

>Be someone else.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else

You are now Piron.

The old Husktop is now fully powered up, and you see a couple of programs. Seeing as it's an older model, many new programs will not run, but it doesn't bother you much. Only things you really use it for is looking up stuff, playing the only game worth playing in your opinion: Insaniquarium. (http://www.heavygames.com/insaniquarium/gameframe.asp), and occationally talking with other people.

>Play Insaniquarium.

You play it for a little while, shooting down the occational alien. Soon you see the Trollian bar light up. Someone is trying to message you.

>Ignore it.

Yeah, you're enjoying yourself too much.

>See what someone else is doing.
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >See what someone else is doing.

You are now BALLAA.

>Investigate room.

It's pretty much exactly the same as it was when you were first introduced. The sunlight peeking out from behind the blackout curtains is providing less-than-ample lighting for the area, casting curious and off-putting shadows across the walls, which themselves are covered in charts and photographs pertaining to evidence in the numerous cases you are currently investigating. On one side, you find your RECUPERACOON. The opposing wall has a HOLE in the floor in front of it. In the middle is a desk with your newly dubbed BATCOMPUTER. Every flat surface is littered in your nerdy trash, a combination of broken toys and the toys you used to break them.

>Examine the unbroken toys.

You prefer to think of them as "tools."

>Prefer to think of yourself as a tool.

...That's just rude.

...

>Oh, did that sting? Did your feelings get hurt?

You take out your strife specibus: boomerangkind, and equip the OFFICIAL NOCTURNAL WINGEDRAT VIGILANTE REALISTIC AND PAINFULLY SHARP WINGEDRATERANGS, taking aim and preparing to end this if it doesn't end itself but quick.

>Examine tools.

Your eyes narrow, reeling back to throw the wingedraterang. That didn't sound convincing enough.

>EXAMINE THE TOOLS! EXAMINE THE FUCKING TOOLS!!

At least someone is frightened of you. 'Bout time.

You possess several mementos, official collectibles from your favorite illustrated serialized periodicals. You see a GRAPPLE GUN, used to help you easily ascend and descend even the most challenging vertical terrain, a FIRST AID KIT for when said challenging vertical terrain is not so easily maneuvered, FLASH-BANG GRENADES for stunning adversaries, OFFICIAL REALISTIC WINGEDRATCUFFS for apprehending stunned adversaries, OFFICIAL WINGEDRAT TRACER BUGS for following crime back under the rock from whence it came, and a handheld OFFICIAL WINGEDRAT COMMUNICATOR to allow you to connect to the internet and communicate with your allies in any situation.

There is also a small, lead-lined box containing a chunk of KRYPTONITE, which is the weakness of another hero of your periodicals, the ORPHANED ALIEN MESSIAH ALLEGORY, the rock purported to be a chunk of his exploded homeworld. Of course, it's highly improbable that an extraterrestrial would ever survive the destruction of his homeworld, much less travel countless lightyears to yours, much less have rocks from his planet arrive here anywhere remotely during his own lifetime, and then have him somehow be weak against rocks from the very planet on which he was born, so you doubt it's really good for anything.

Still, it's apparently radioactive so you better keep it in the box.

>Take tools.

Careful now! Your UTILITY BELT SYLLADEX, though usually handy, only has a limited amount of POUCH CARDS. Six, to be exact, and you have seven items before you. While the utility belt will improbably move what you need to the top of the stack in any given situation, when the given situation is just you standing around like a dink it will just toss out what the fuck ever if you overload it. This is a valuable lesson you learned with the SMOKE BOMBS. And then again with the RARE AND VALUABLE PORCELAIN TOXIC FOREST VINE STATUETTE you acquired on your hatching day last solar sweep. And then one more time when you tried to cook EGGS for breakfast.

So you're not fucking it up anymore, got it?

>Take grapple gun, flash-bang grenades, wingredratcuffs, and wingedrat communicator.

There, that was easy enough, and you've even got a couple empty pouches to spare!

>Go downstairs.

You... apparently don't have any stairs in your hive for some reason.

>Do whatever you gotta do to get to the bottom floor.

You reach into your utility belt for the best item for this situation and draw it: The grapple gun! Firing it securely into the ceiling, you hop down the hole in your floor and rappel into the DOMESTIC COMMON AREA below.

>Inspect domestic common area.

It's fairly spartan. You have a wall-mounted TELEVISION, a COUCH that could probably use a spray or two of TROLL FABREEZE for good measure, your woefully underutilized FRONT DOOR, and one wall has a hole knocked through it, revealing a tunnel to the CAVES beneath your stately manor. In order to make sure no one discovers this secret, you have placed a GRANDFATHER CLOCK in front of it. No one will ever know!

>What about that sharply-dressed dude in the corner?

Oh, that? Why, that's your most prized possession. Well, now that the Toxic Forest Vine statuette isn't actually a thing that exists in one piece anymore. That right there is the actual costume of the OBSESSIVELY QUIZZICAL BURGLAR from the campy old Nocturnal Wingedrat Vigilante television show! You had to pay more Troll Caegars than you care to count to obtain that bit of memorabilia.

For added authenticity, it came mounted on the taxidermied corpse of TROLL FRANK GORSHIN, the very actor who played the Obsessively Quizzical Burglar on TV!

>Enter Batcave.

"Batcave"? Has a nice ring to it. But no, there's no way you're going down there. Caves might seem like a totally awesome place to build a secret lair, but mostly they're just dark and dangerous and get you killed. Fuck that.

>Vent your frustration about how shitty caves are in real life by punching out Troll Frank Gorshin.

http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o159/posindustries/serie_pow.jpg

You deliver a solid right hook to the long-dead jaw of the celebrated character actor, knocking him over onto the couch, where he seems to be comfortable enough for the time being.

>Move on to another troll.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• >Move on to another troll.

You are now Leraje.

And you are in the mood for meddling.

>Meddle.

Now that the other arm is back this should be much easier. First of all you search through Trollian of the various activities that your chums are up to. And you catch Tergum in the midst of a rhyme thread. You don't often have a chance to get one over on the guy, since he is pretty set on how awesome he is. But moments like this are usually when you cream him.

>Throw down with the rhymes of almighty dopeness.

And you did. Down to the point he didn't even have the power to pull a reasonable rhyme your way, and BI dropped for some amusement. You must be sure to bother her later.

For now though the chains of fate point toward someone else.

>Troll Zeb.

Yes...Zeb. The guy is a fairly innocent fellow for a troll, and most of the time you haven't spent shipping him as much as trying to figure him out. This time would be no different. You figure you should start with something fresh on your mind.

absentPsychologist[AP] began trolling spectacularHellion{SH]
AP: Did your lusus attack you today?
SH: uh yeah actually how did you know well he didnt actually attack me we were playing a game and he was in a robot so its all good why did your lusus attack you
AP: He attacks me...a few times a day. I, have wondered. About how your...lusus raised. You for a, while. See how it shaped, your persona. Does he play, these "games" often?..
SH: yeah all the time like the other time he pretended to be a meteor and i was trying to shoot it down and my soldiers were all like firing missiles and shit and nothing worked and it was awesome
SH: how did your lusus raise you
AP: He would sneak up, on me and..then eat one of my arms. Or...drag me underwater. And strangle me. Till I, passed out. Though, then I started. Getting better...and he still does it. But I don't always lose, anymore.
AP: He says, it is...for the future. That, we all...need. To be ready, to fight.
SH: um well i dunno about the future i dont really know what i wanna do when im an adult im pretty sure i dont wanna go out to space though what about you
AP: I've, wanted. To be a, Romanterror...for a while, since I found...out how much. I like, how people. Think. So space, seems right. For me. But why, don't you?
AP: And how, do you plan. To escape...your...fate?
SH: i guess because its like all big and messy and theres lots of fighting and no fun
SH: i dunno how to get away ill figure something out i guess
AP: Have you, ever won. A game...with...your, lusus?
SH: uh yeah mostly usually not when hes riding a robot or stole a laser or something like that
AP: Has he, ever told. You why, you play these...games? Are you, better at...fighting, because of. Them?
SH: yeah i am but he told me were just having fun and anyway its not like were always pretending to fight
AP: ...hmm. ._.
AP: Would you, kill. The Empress?
SH: um i dunno why would i
AP: If. You destroy, the status. Quo, then...you. Are no longer, bound by...it.
SH: yeah but wouldnt that make other trolls pretty sad
AP: You, care? Why?
SH: i dunno i dont really have anything against other trolls theres no reason we cant all be happy and not bother one another as long as they dont mess with my happiness i dont mind
AP: But they will. You know, eventually, they will.
SH: i guess ill just make sure they cant find me or something
AP: Hmm... I can, never tell. How you. Think. It is...not like other. Trolls. Have you ever, noticed that?
SH: ummm not really
AP: Watch...the next. Time, you talk. You might, notice how. Hurtful, most. Are.
SH: um i guess okay i will
AP: ...and. Have some, fun when. We start, playing.I hope. You are on my side.
AP: Bye.
absentPsychologist[AP] stopped trolling spectacularHellion[SH]

Self awareness was dangerous to hand to people. You did it everyday. But you are feeling parched now, time to down some faygo and wait on your next bout of meddling.

>Be another troll.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >Be another Troll.

You are now Tergum.

>Respond to Zebrek

SH: hey dude whats up im fine
SH: hows your lets play pokegrub thing going did you finish yet did you catch them all are you still pining for troll joey man i know you really like him but its like unhealthy or something to have redrom feelings for a fictional character i mean i really like my toys but you wont see me going to the imperial drone with one of them you know
SH: oh hey have you played the new pokegrub game yet man i am its pretty cool theres like 200 new pokegrubs or something ive caught a bunch and it has a lot of neat new stuff like triple battles man so sweet so dude did you get yours yet
SH: oh and have you gotten sgrub yet
AH:In []rder:
AH:I'^^ re|_ative|_y fine. []ther than having to ta|_k t[] y[]ur s[]rry ass.
AH:Shut up, it'|_|_ be updated when it's updated, n[] it's not finished, yes i have [aught them a|_|_. A|_|_ []f the^^. I d[]n't have red fee|_ings f[]r Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey, []r anything e|_se f[]r that ^^atter, fu[k y[]u and fu[k y[]ur t[]ys.
AH: Yes, I've p|_ayed it. It's n[]t entire|_y shitty.
AH: What the fu[k is sgrub.
AH: P|_ease phrase y[]ur answer in the f[]r^^ []f a questi[]n.
SH: dude my toys are awesome fuck you back and i know you dont have red feelings for troll joey but you have black feelings and thats not good man you really should try to find someone else to have a kismesis with
SH: did you catch all the rare pokegrubs man troll-oh was really difficult to catch how did you do it
SH: i dunno about sgrub its the game were supposed to be playing i think if you wanna know more maybe you should ask ta or one of them?
AH: But y[]u just said that I had red fee|_ings f[]r hi^^.
AH: And n[]w y[]u’re saying I’^^ trying to have a kis^^esis with hi^^?
AH: Zeb, I have a kis^^esis with the entire universe.
AH: That in[|_udes fi[ti[]na|_ [hara[ters.
AH: That in[|_udes y[]u, f[]r that ^^atter.
AH: S[] yeah, feel free t[] kiss ^^y b[]ne bu|_ge.
AH: Besides, the |_ess I have t[] ta|_k to TA, the better. {:/

==>

Oh no. The night is almost over, and you haven't seen lusus since you woke up. As soon as you realize that fact, you begin to hear a quiet woosh, almost like a giant preying mantis is zipping around displacing the air. You just know this can't be good.

>Tergum: Reach for weapon

You reach down next to your keyboard and take your might wea-pen, the BALLPOINT PENETRATOR. You really hope it's not out of ink.

>Tergum: STRIFE!

While you are readying for the inevitable strife with Strize, your asshole lusus takes the opportunity to strike you from behind with his mighty scythe. The floor is splattered with green fluid as you fall, and your custodian retreats.

>Tergum: Retaliate.

You are unable to respond to that, or any other command. There is only one thing left to do...

>Be a troll who's more alive.
- Token, 3 years ago
• >Be a troll who's more alive.

You are now Ballaa. And you've never felt more alive!

You've already gotten a head start, bounding across the rooftops under what you're just going to have to pretend is the night sky. Of course, it's not and you're an idiot for doing so, especially considering that you're the only troll within miles that can even be out during the day. There is no crime and this is fucking stupid.

Doesn't stop it from being fun, though!

You swing through your neighbors' hives, landing only for the slimmest of moments to fire your grapple gun to the next location. You've gotten pretty good at it, though occasionally you screw up and knock over a cart of produce someone left out. Like you just did right now. Oops!

It appears one of your countless angry neighbors would like to discuss it with you.

>Get trolled by neighbor.
cabbageMerchant [CM] began trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]
CM: MY CABBAGES!
VR: ...
vengefulRodentia [VR] has blocked cabbageMerchant [CM]

You don't have any time for silly crossover cartoon references! You are patrolling for evil!

>See what your friends are up to.

You land on top of one of the hives and crouch over the edge, casting a shadow in front of you as you read the latest goings-on over Trollian via your Official Wingredrat Communicator.

It appears that Iropha has opened up a memo to discuss a mysterious new game Aldurin came up with. You've been invited to take part and, naturally, you accepted. After all, someone with some amount of sense has to step in to investigate this whole mess and save everyone's asses when they invariably doom the world with their shenanigans, and that someone is you!

>Monitor the memo with extreme prejudice.

You glare at your communicator intimidatingly. Is there any other way to glare?

>Be another troll.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• >Be another troll.

You are now GORRMA. Again.

>Fffffff......

That command is invalid. Please try again.

>Continue exploring room.

Yeah, let's do that! You look around. So many things to see and eat! But... why did you come down here again? You got so distracted by the GOLDEN SPORK (1) that you've completely forgotten! Argh! How annoying!!

Hmmm.... Maybe if you delve into a convenient flashback from ten minutes ago, you'll remember.

>Initiate flashback sequence: Ten minutes ago.

Your view of this room is suddenly obstructed by WAVY FLASHBACK LINES.

When the scene transition fades, you find yourself back in your RESPITEBLOCK, sitting at your HUSKTOP. The bitten-off corner of the computer sparks occasionally, as per usual. You should really get around to fixing that one of these days.

Oh look, you're TROLLING someone!

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] began trolling technopathicalAnamoly [TA]
OO: hey tech howsh thish new game coming along?
TA: It's gEttIng thErE
TA: I nOw UndErstAnd thE pAIn Of lIngUIsts
TA: It's lIkE jUmpIng Off A wAtErfAll And hOpIng I cAn cOUnt thE shArp rOcks At thE bOttOm bEfOrE I blEEd tO dEAth
OO: sharp rocksh are pretty tashty, if they have the right kindsh of mineralsh in them. i wouldn't jump off a waterfall though. you have funny hobbiesh!
TA: It's A AnAlOgY
TA: bUt wAtErfAll jUmpIng sOUnds prEttY fUn
OO: i'm not very good at swimming, sho i dunno if i'd try that.
TA: wIth EnOUgh tImE And pAtIEncE, yOU cOUld dO AnYthIng
TA: bUt thAt sOUnds lIkE A lOt Of wOrk sO I prObAblY wOUldn't lIkE It
OO: but you have to be patient in order to achieve greatnesshh!
OO: like trying to find the ultimate recipe
OO: i've been workin on that for, like, ever!!
OO: and with every shtep i get a little bit closher
OO: sho closhe i can tashte it!!!
OO: and when i find it, i'll be the mosht powerful gourmancher in the univershe.
OO: and it'll be aweshome.
OO: i jusht have to believe in myshelf and i know i'll find it eventually. nommington shaysh sho.
TA: Isn't thAt thE OnE thAt yOU sAId cOUld lEt yOU EAt mOUntAIns?
OO: yesh! it'sh the mosht powerful dish in the univershe. it'll give itsh user the power to eat through sholid rock the shize of a mountain! pretty awesome, huh?
TA: bUt If yOU dId gEt thAt EvEntUAllY, yOU wOUldn't EAt mY mOUntAIn
TA: rIght?
OO: probably? if eating your mountain wouldn't make me any more powerful as a gourmancher, i probably wouldn't eat it. cuz i know you live there!
OO: hmmmmm.... actually, i don't know! i don't know the relative tashtynessh of that mountain.
TA: thAt dOEs nOt mAkE mE fEEl bEttEr
OO: shorry!
TA: dOn't wOrrY, If yOU trIEd tO EAt It bY AccIdEnt, I wOUld lEAvE ElEctrOstAtIc chArgEs sO yOU wOUld stOp lOng EnOUgh tO nOtIcE
OO: that'sh very niche of you to think of me! i apprechiate the shentiment!
OO: i'd alsho let you know how the electricity tashtes.
TA: nOw I'm EvEn mOrE wOrrIEd
TA: bUt dOn't lEt thAt wOrrY yOU
OO: okay!
TA: jUst OUt Of cUrIOsItY, ArE yOU EvEn AblE tO prOcEss thE tOxIns In hAlf Of thE stUff yOU sAy yOU EAt?
OO: yeah, pretty much! i mean, shometimesh i get really shick from eating shtuff, but i almosht never end up having sherious life-threatening problemsh anymore. sho i musht be getting shtronger!
TA: I kIndA wIsh I hAd thAt rEsIstAncE
TA: I hAvE tO dO A rOUgh scAn Of All Of mY fOOd bEfOrE I EAt It
TA: I'm sEnsItIvE to cErtAIn sYnthEtIc mAtErIAls, EvEn In trAcE AmOUnts
OO: that'sh sho shad! eating ish like the greatesht adventure of all. ]:-(
TA: It's nOt tOO bAd, I'vE fIgUrEd OUt whAt fOOds tAstE gOOd And dOn't mAkE mE stArt pUkIng fIts
OO: oh.... well that'sh good anway. shtill, that's sho shad you can't eat everything like i do.
OO: maybe i'll bake you a cake! it'll make you feel better, if you don't puke it up. i don't really know what you can and can't eat.
TA: It's cOOl, yOU cAn jUst sEnd mE rEcIpEs And I cAn AdjUst thEm tO fIt mE
OO: okay!! that shoundsh fun! i'll have to check my recipe notebook for jusht the right treatsh! research time, go!! pshooooooo!!
TA: hEhhEh
TA: I lIkE thAt EnthUsIAsm
TA: whOA, hAng On . . .
TA: I'm gOnnA hAvE tO tAlk tO yA lAtEr, jUst hIt AnOthEr wEIrd pArt Of thIs gAmE cOdE
technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO]

Oh, that's right!! You were going to find SECRET RECIPE NOTEBOOK #4! You have a variety of SECRET RECIPE NOTEBOOKS, chock-full of notes from all of your culinary experiments. You've already found volumes 1, 5 and 3, but you don't want to leave any stone unturned.

And you still had to get to making Ballaa a cake, so you'd better hurry up and find it! You're pretty sure you left it down here a sweep or so ago, when you trapped the HORRIBLE RAZOR-CLAWED NIGHTMARE BEAST in here to die. You wonder if the corpse is done aging to perfection yet.

> Ignore the nightmare beast and find the damn notebook.

You ignore the nightmare beast and start looking for the notebook. You check the nearest SHELF.

You find a GLASS EYE. What's this doing here? Why do you even HAVE this? And... do you really want to know???

> Who cares. Save it so it can be used as a setup for a lame joke in the future.

You have no idea what that means, but you'll captachlogue it anyway. It goes into your CHEF MODUS SYLLADEX, where it is split into its base parts: GLASS and PIGMENT. You earn a RECIPE CARD with a ghostly outline of the GLASS EYE, and the base parts are dumped into the INGREDIENTS BINS. In order to remove anything from your inventory, you'll need to select the RECIPE CARD and correctly name the proper INGREDIENTS needed to reconstruct it.

> Blah blah blah talking. Find more stuff and move on.

You move several WEDGES OF CHEESE and PACKAGES OF DRIED MEAT. It has to be here somewhere. Aha! Here it is!

You have found: SECRET RECIPE NOTEBOOK #4!

It has a big #4 drawn on the front, so it has to be the right one. Into the sylladex it goes; paper, wire, ink and all.

> Can we leave now?

Oh wow, all this fantastic food down here you'd almost forgotten about! You really want to do some more exploring and update your larder inventory, but you're a busy girl! You've got recipes to review, menus to plan, and a cake to bake! Further inspection will have to wait until later. Right now you have some serious reading to do!

>Be someone less... Gorrma.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >Be someone less... Gorrma.

You are now Glissa. This is considerably different from Gorrma, but the quality of it is questionable.

>Glissa: Do something interesting.

You are currently doing nothing of actual interest. You would work on a painting or sculpture or something, but you have finished your most recent projects and right now lack INSPIRATION.

Right now, you are busy going through some of your ARTIFACTS and ANTIQUES located in the storage area beneath the hive. It is even colder down here than the rest of the hive, and the stone walling/flooring are quite uncomfortable, but you manage. On the shelf you are searching, you find a few items that you left in the subterranean floor of your HIVE due to finding them not as interesting. They are the DIARY AND RECORDS OF AN INFAMOUS TROLL MAGE. His name is no longer spoken aloud, and he is long passed away. The THRESHECUTIONERS and LEGISLACERATORS having made quick work of him for his ill-defined crimes. Maybe, if magic was real, he wouldn't have died. Although, his alleged crimes were rather impossible without magic. Its actually a rather paradoxical case. Either way, this is the only known copy of the journal in existence.

>Examine Tome

http://www.nuklearforums.com/picture.php?albumid=93&pictureid=307

Its a decent an 0k read, but its rather involved and not worth display, at least in your opinion. In truth, the dark secrets his most personal of writings must contain are untold to those who are experienced at reading hidden statements and deciphering secret messages, but you really aren't that bright. How the book has retained legibility while underwater is a mystery that will remain ever pervasive.

>Whatever. Move on.

You decide to move on from that train of thought. You go back upstairs. You RESPITEBLOCK is located at the top of the HIVE, and you are not in the mood to go up all those STAIRS. They just aren't safe. You sit yourself down on a SITTING DEVICE in front of a your CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE COUNTER, also known as a coffee table, and decide to troll some friends. Aldurin is likely to busy to answer your questions, so you resolve to get answers from someone else.

>Retrieve HUSKTOP

Before you can bother someone like a nuisance, you have to retrieve your mode of communication. Luckily, you have the BEAUTY™ MODUS. To work it, you have to align cards according to the colors of the items you have. If you do well, then it opens and you can retrieve any item. If the colors clash too much, then everything is expelled in a jumble. Currently, you have only your HUSKTOP in the inventory, so it doesn't matter what you do. You retrieve the portable communication device and proceed to bother your fellow sea dweller.

Whats this though? A rap-off? You will not tolerate such a grotesque exchange of words! You must preserve the sacredness of slam poetry.

>We've seen this already just skip it!

We skip onwards to your next conversation.

-- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has begun trolling stalkerSahagin [SS] --

BI: Piron! Are you there?
SS: Yes?
BI: How are you doinge?
BI: Have you heard any newse from Aldurin recently?
SS: Fine, and nothing.
BI: Ugh. Why are you so difficullte!
BI: Can you speak one sentence that is more than 4 words?
SS: Why should I?
BI: Sorry, I guesse.
BI: You seem so impersonal though!
BI: Like you don't reallye want to talke! Is that the case?
SS: Only say what needs to be said.
SS: Why get bogged down in detail?
BI: Because there is nothinge wrong at all with speakinge!
BI: Why remaine quiet?
BI: Its just so rude to be all curte!
BI: There are times I wonder if you talke like that to everyone or just me. You know?
SS: It's to everyone.
SS: Why should one person be special?
BI: I don't think this line of discussione will go very far...
BI: Sorry if I seemed rude...
BI: Anywayse, I askede about Aldurin because I wanted to know if he finishede that game he's been working on.
BI: Not sure if you know about it, but he is apparently busy or somethinge.
SS: No, I haven't.
SS: Hopefully this husktop can run it.
BI: I have really no idea how its playede.
BI: He's beene working on it for some time now apparently. Ever since he founde the disks near my hive.
BI: I'm curiouse as to what he's accomplishede with them. I was not expecting a game.
SS: Well, we'll see then.
BI: I suppose so.
BI: I don't really play these sort of games much though.
BI: If it can be played by more than one person, would you like to play it with me?
SS: I'll give it a shot.
BI: Alright. I bet it'll be fun!
BI: I'm going to keep pestering Aldurin for the moment.
BI: I'll talk to you when I know more.
SS: Ok.

-- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has ceased trolling stalkerSahagin [SS] --

That girl really needs some class. So rude and uncivilized. You'll get to her someday.

>Glissa: Troll Aldurin

Glissa cannot troll Aldurin because she is too busy being someone else.
- Bard The 5th LW, 3 years ago
• >Reztek: Be Reztek

Reztek is now being Reztek, a feat that took a surprisingly long time to achieve.

>Recap what happened since since the last time you were you

The last time you were you, you were flipping the fuck out over a maddeningly disorganized memo.

>Realize an appropriate amount of time has passed in order to calm down.

You can't have a reasonable view on the passage of time due to how maddeningly FRUSTRATED you are. If only your FRUSTRATOMETER were lower, then you wouldn't be so frustrated.

>Misplace FRUSTRATOMETER

What? That's absurd. How could you mispl- wait. Where the hell is it? And you're usually so organized too. Oh if only you had your FRUSTRATOMETER with you then you would be able to become appropriately frustrated at the lack of your FRUSTRATOMETER.

>Gain a reasonable view on the passage of time

With the sudden lack of your FRUSTRATOMETER you now realize enough time has gone by for you to be no longer upset about the MEMO THAT SHALT NOT BE MENTIONED EVER. It turns out in your anger at the lack of order you completely reorganized your room.

>Examine room

Your circular RECUPERACOON is now in the very center of the room. In one corner is your Husktop, resting upon its trusty table. In the other corner is your Grand Grubiano, and near the wall opposite the door are three Grubtar Stands, two are holding Grubtars and the third is holding a Grubass. Your Troll Slash and Troll Mozart posters have been replaced with a super-sized poster of Lovertroll performing their smash hit Everybody's Trolling for the Weekend. Despite the lack of things in your room you feel like the space is kind of cramped.

>Examine other wall

You change your perspective to look at the other two walls in your room. one of the walls is hidden behind a wall of AMPLIFIERS. It's your own personal collection and impromptu doomsday device. You would have ran some some tests amplifying your psychic abilities with the sound from your AMP WALL if it weren't for your fear that the shock wave would destroy your Hive, not to mention a good chunk of the surrounding landscape.

===>

The wall that isn't covered with amps has a large window. That's pretty much it.

>Look out window

You look outside and take in the view. The best part about your Hive isn't simply the Hive itself, but the effort that went into making the landscape around it. Your Hive sits on a Drone-made island in the middle of a Drone-made lake in the center of a naturally occurring valley. You tried to get the Carpenter Drones to make the valley as well, but that just made them angrier. Still, your Hive is located far from any major Troll settlements which allows you to practice your music in peace. Also the valley has some pretty awesome acoustics.

>Enough with the exposition that should have happened ages ago, go do something interesting

You fail to do something interesting. You head out of your Respite Block and start debating which room you should reorganize next.

>Oh for the love of Gog be somebody else
- Arcanum, 3 years ago
• >For the love of Gog be somebody else.

You are now someone else altogether, someplace you haven't been before.

It is a mild Alternian evening, with the twin moons casting a soft glow over the COMMUNAL HIVESTEMS. It looks to be an unusually pleasant night, and you cannot conceive of a situation that would change that.

You find your attention being drawn to a particular hive, close to the ground.
http://i53.tinypic.com/2n246dk.png
Who's this, then?
>Enter Name

FIGHTY O'FLIGHTY

No, not quite.

KICK-HAPPY LACKWIT

Well, that's just rude of you. I don't think she's taking kindly to that.

JUMPIN' JEHOSAPHATASS

What?? That's just uncalled for! QUICK, pick a suitable name before she gets...

BURGUN TREIEN

That's more like it.

You LOVE FIGHTING. You simply cannot get enough of it, and while you know there are a few people better than you, sometimes, just sometimes, you like to believe you're simply the BEST THERE IS. You are an expert practitioner of the ALTERNIAN MARTIAL ART of KICKSTINCTION, and you look forward to your deployment to the ALTERNIAN ARMY in half a sweep's time, where you will surely WRECK SOMEONE'S SHIT.

DARK RED BLOOD courses through your veins, and your place on the HEMOSPECTRUM is a bit of a TOUCHY SUBJECT. You will acknowledge your inferior blood only to those few who can BEST YOU IN SINGLE COMBAT, and those who try to tout their blood superiority in front of you will quickly get the SHIT BEAT OUT OF THEM. ESPECIALLY blue bloods. God do you hate blue bloods.

Your trolltag is brutalTrifecta, you'reee a littleee bit impatieeent and you likeee to communicateee with a REEED-HOT PASSION that infleeects your words with FREEEDOM!!!

What will you do?

>You're busy. Be someone else for a little while.

Oh fine, be that way.
- Loyal, 3 years ago
• > You're busy. Be someone else for a little while.

You're someone else, a little while ago.

It is YESTERDAY and you are IROPHA again. Or for the first time, rather.

You're in a rather popular grocetaria in the nourishment district. No-one's out - the HARSH ALTERNIAN SUN is creeping toward the horizon. But someone wanting to become a DELIVERATOR isn't going to let rain or day or nude musclebeast stop them. Your SUNGLASSES will protect you from the BLINDING LIGHT and your SPEED GAMBITS will protect you from the HORRIFYING MONSTERS.

You have an ANTI-DELIVERY to perform and mere minutes to get it done.

> Chew on the scenery and make a huge mess.

You rough up the joint a little, then get out a special little MECHANISM you put together for this job. It's basically a bear trap on a stick.

Those walls don't know what hit them.

They're walls. They don't know anything.

But you do.

METAL TEETH.

> Locate anti-deliverables.

They're right here, still on their cooling racks. They smell delicious.

> Abscond with delicious baked goods!

All forty of them.

You abscond like the wind.

Time to get someone's goat.

> Be another troll in another time and another place.
- Arhra, 3 years ago
• >Go be another troll in another time and another place.

You succeed at being Vintag.

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/Panel1.png

You've wasted enough time on the husktop. Now it's time to get down to the brass tacks. You have a show tomorrow night and the advanced levels of visual comedy that the act taps into require complete mastery. This is your last chance to rehearse, so you and Vicki need to ace this. But first...

>Consult poster of Bing Crosby.

...Who's that hooligan?

>Consult poster of Troll Bing Crosby.

What? HE's here?!

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/panel2.png

Oh my. What is a preposterously famous entertainer like yourself doing at one of my shows? Sir, you have no idea what this means to me. Ever since I was a wriggler, I've looked up to you.

What's that? Oh yes, I'll try my best up there! And, hey, if you want to go somewhere after the show...?

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/Panel3.png
….
Yes, you're right, of course. We should keep this professional.

>Consult lusus.

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/panel4.png

You tell the floorflushing goof to quit futzing around before you pull a Daniel Boone.

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/Panel5.png

He abides.

>Review the plan.

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/Panel61.png

You and Vicki lock eyes. He seems nervous. Perhaps he is afraid that you've taken it too far, like flying too close to the Alternian sun via a pair of makeshift wings. Or just going out in the sun in general.

You have no patience for his milquetoastedness. You flatly order him to put on his game face.

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/Panel7.png

>Let's see the damn thing already!

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/panel8.png

This is it. The end-all, be-all of the trade. First, a stuffed monkey is attached to a zip-line. He steals your hat and takes off across a 20 meter stretch. You and Vicki must mount onto the MINI ROCKET FARTHING in pursuit of the rapscallion. As Vicki tries to capture the monkey, the two of you collide into various traps that the thief has set up. Pitfalls, oil slicks, Wriggler carriages, and at the very end the diabolical mastermind has set up a loop-de-loop that ends in front of a single banana peel. This peel will launch you headfirst into a pile of creme pies. As you emerge, one of pies falling off your face, Vicki will get up from the crash with your hat on his head and the monkey hugging his back.

>...

Yes. Oh, yes. It is perfect.

>Need a towel?

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff97/The_SSB_Intern/panel9.png

>Leave these two to their work.
- The SSB Intern, 3 years ago
• >Leave these two to their work.

You leave the dippy duo to their rehersal and are now Caoway. Somehow, you managed to navigate up the littered staircase and are now standing in the entry portal to your cozy RESPITEBLOCK. You're still wet, cold, and can barely move by the way. You could probably change into some dry clothes if it weren't for the ungogly amount of crap between you and the BUREAU.

>View ou

You're starting to make him angry. Do you really want to make someone who battles sea monsters on a nightly basis angry?

>Okay. View clutter then.

First thing you see as you enter is TEN, your BADLY TAXIDERMIED SPLASH-HOUND, whom you placed next to the door in the very unlikely event of intruders. Behind him facing door-side out is your THERMAL HULL, which is definitely not filled with some sort of embarassing collection. On the left side of the hull, wedged between it and the south wall is another bookshelf containing some of your earlier journals. On the other side is CYMOPOLEA'S TREASURY, a massive barnacled and sea-worn chest that is nearly indestructible and holds a treasure beyond your wildest imagination. Between that and the north wall is your desk, atop of which is your MANANNAN MAC HUSKTOP and two blank journals. Mounted on the wall above is an ORNATE WAVE MOTION BLUNDERBUSS. There is some space between the clutter and the east wall making it so you can sidle up to the desk.

Adjacent to the big chest and the desk is the bureau, containing many pairs of your usual outfit. It would seem that the drawerside of it is pressed against the west wall, making it impossible to access the clothes. On top of the bureau are two TINY SHIPS IN BOTTLES, one is a highly detailed KRANNISH GALLEON and the other an exact replica of the SPACE ARMADA'S FLAGSHIP. In the southwest corner is your RECUPERACOON, unused for weeks. Between that and the bureau are some smaller chests and sacks of CANDY HORNS that you are in no hurry to finish off, because they don't spoil and taste nasty.

>Punch hole through dresser and retreive dry clothes.

You stand on top of the big chest and do just that.

Ouch!

Well, now you've hurt your hand and ruined a perfectly good bureau. On the bright side you've got a pair of warm, dry clothes.

>Change clothes.

You trade the wet outfit for a dry one. Ah, this is great. You almost forgot what being dry felt like. Now you have to find some place to hang the damp clothing. Could rest them on Ten, but that would be very disrespectful. Not to mention that he'd start to smell if you got him wet. Guess you'll just hang them on the back of the chair.

>Wait, was that a stuffed dog?

Yeah, this is TENNESSEE DINNER JACKET. Ten for short. You found him a few sweeps back when his carcass was being carried off by some theatrical sea-troll on a flying sea-horse.

The little tool caught sight of Beechie and thought a five-ton sea carnivore would make for a better haul then a much smaller splash-hound. This, of course, was a mistake that he'd live to regret. You scuppered him good and took the splash-hound and the shirt off his back as prizes. Repainting the wave symbol a dark sea green and wearing it is just your little way of letting the royals know the score.

You felt sorry for the fellow sea dog and decided to give him new life as a trophy in your home. Unfortunately, this was back when you were still using the crappy guidebooks you bought off of that no good hustler so he turned out looking rather wonky.

>Fascinating. Now open the huge box and retrieve the booty.

The treasury? It can't be opened without the MEGATON KEY and you have no idea where in the world that elusive artifact could be.

>Lame. Retrieve Faygo from fridge and SlAm tHaT ChIlLeD MoThErFuCkEr.

You open the thermal hull and a mess of VARIOUS TAXIDERMIED SEA CREATURES tumble out, along with a few TAXIDERMIED TROLL CELEBRITIES.

>What.

Shit, this happens every time. Like the room wasn't crowded enough already.

>The bodies...

Oh yeah, introductions are in order. Say hello to TROLL CESAR ROMERO, TROLL EARTHA KITT, TROLL BUSTER KEATON, and TROLL ED SULLIVAN. Let's pretend they said hello back.

>Where...

You picked these guys up during a daring raid of Isla del Morte, the troll morgue for famous actors, singers, and war heroes. It wasn't easy, but you plumbed the depths of that floating tomb and got these wonderful prizes to show for it. It's a good thing you got better at stuffing and mounting before you went on that adventure. No offense, Ten.

You used to have TROLL FRANK GORSHIN JR, but you traded him to Sharl for the Husktop and GrubPDA.

>Why?

What kind of dumb question is that? Everyone knows that any adventurer worth his Sea Sabre Cat salt has a collection of stuffed and mounted dead things as trophies.

>Okay, enough of this. Log onto the computer and troll somebody already.

The husktop? Come to think of it you haven't been on in a long time. Trolling one of your friends would be a good way to kill some time and think-cells.

The husktop is pretty dated, so it's going to be a while before it's juices are warmed up and ready for trolling.

>Write in journal.

Writing? Oh geez, you don't really feel up to that. It's been weeks since attempted writing down anything. You just don't feel the passion for it anymore. Besides, it's not like your have any grand adventures to share, just tales of MARITIME LIFEFORM REAPING. Who the hell would want to read a story about someone fishing on the ocean?

>You got anything better to do right now?

======>

Hmm.. that's no good...

======>

Argh, this is not turning well at all. Maybe if you go back and...

======>

Dammit, this is worse then what you started with.

>Be someone else for a while.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else for a while.

You successfully become SOMEONE ELSE for a while.

You are now SOMEONE ELSE.

>Please say "someone else" doesn't refer to Gorrma.

That command is invalid. You are now Gorrma.

>Quit game.

That command is invalid. You are now Gorrma.

>Fine. Observe room.

You are standing in the mightiest of kitchens, your custom CULINARENA CHEFSTAGE deep underground. Hundreds of rows of bleachers surround your workspace, rising upwards along the walls of the CHEFSTAGE PIT, seating several thousand DEVOTED FANS AND APPRENTICES. They let out a deafening cheer of admiration as you roll up your sleeves, preparing for the task ahead. You pay them no attention, giving only the slightest of nods to your THREE MOST TRUSTED APPRENTICES, seated closer to your workstation to observe your artistic genius in action. The seat formerly held by the traitor PESTO remains ominously empty. A grim warning to anyone who dares offend you.

....
....
....
Okay, so technically you're just standing on a chair in one of your KITCHENBLOCKS, not really on a GRAND CHEFSTAGE. And okay, maybe those thousands of screaming fans are really just a handful of dolls seated on the shelves. But you like to pretend, okay?!?

>...Okay?

You bow graciously in the direction of tonight's most HONORED GUEST at your cooking demonstration: The Empress herself!! This is such a great honor. Because that's totally the real Empress sitting in her mighty throne and not just a bag of sugar with a paper crown on top, stacked on top of a tin of walnuts. Obviously.

After SECURITY removes several INCREDIBLY HANDSOME TROLL BOYS who had jumped the safety barrier into the arena to propose matespriteship to you (which you calmly dismissed with an ALOOF WAVE OF YOUR HAND), you begin your cooking demonstration.

Today you will be making your WORLD FAMOUS GROB-BERRY CAKE. The crowd is ecstatic.

Weird? Why would you put something weird into your cake? That's just stupid. Why would you even think that?

>.......
.......

>...just make the damn cake.

With gusto!! You are a gray-and-green whirlwind of culinary fury, dicing berries, mixing ingredients, expertly cracking eggs and moving with the grace and skill of a 5-Star BattleChef Gourmancer. Or something like that. You assume so, anyway. You've never actually SEEN a 5-Star BattleChef Gourmancer in person, so you're kind of just guessing.

Oh wow. You can already tell that this cake is gonna be awesome. You didn't even drop any eggshells into the batter! Ballaa will be really happy when he gets this! Or.. well... whatever the Ballaa equivalent of "happy" is--come to think of it, you're not quite sure if you've ever seen him in any mood other than "dark and brooding." But you're sure he'll be slightly less "dark and brooding-ish" when he gets this awesome cake!

You pour the batter into the baking pan and open the HEAT-BASED FOOD PREPARATION APPLIANCE. The door has a glass panel on the front so you can watch what's cooking. Inside is a metal rack on which to put food-matter you intend to cook, and under the rack is a wire cage filled with FLAME-SPITTING MINI HECK-BEASTS and JUVENILE MAGMA-SPIDERS. Turning the dials on the top of the appliance enrages the little creatures until they produce enough heat to cook the food. So it's a fairly ordinary oven, really. You're saving up your boonbucks to buy a fancier model. Maybe that creepy bucket-head guy Sharl would cut you a deal on one if you baked him some cookies..

You set the timer and start working on making icing while the cake bakes. You sort of wish you had some music to accompany your artistic work here. Hmm. Maybe you should ask Reztek to write you a cooking theme song later.

>This is taking forever. Be someone else. PLEASE.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >This is taking forever. Be someone else. PLEASE.

You are now a slightly less busy Burgun. Which is to say, exactly as busy as before, but a bit more bored and more willing to obey commands.

There's nothing to wonder about. Most of the furniture you acquire never lasts more than a couple of weeks before your lusus destroys it for whatever reason. It's taken a great deal of effort on your part just to preserve your computer and the crate it sits on.

She's getting old these days, however, and isn't nearly so active as she used to be, so you guess you could redecorate. You suppose you've just gotten used to living minimally.

>Examine this homewrecker.

http://i53.tinypic.com/33cx2di.png
Sylvia Hops is not a homewrecker!!!

She is your lusus and she's taught you everything you know about fighting, faithfully protecting you from those who would do you harm. Nowadays it's more like you're the one keeping her out of trouble, but you don't mind.

http://i54.tinypic.com/zlvpza.png
She's a good lusus.

>Review plans for the night.

You had applied for the ALTERNIAN MILITARY not long ago and had been eagerly awaiting the arrival of an officer, who would gauge your ability and, if he found you lacking, kill you on the spot for wasting his time. Naturally, you passed inspection and are now waiting only for the shuttle that will take you to basic training, which basically amounts to being given a uniform and being sent to the front-lines of some low-priority assignment.

Trolls do not care for weakness and have no interest in coddling.

You've been spending the last couple of weeks looking for any opportunity to get into a good fight to sharpen your skills while you wait, but there hasn't been very many takers. Maybe tonight you'll get lucky?

>Get pestered.

Doin' a good enough job of that already, thanks.

>Get trolled.

Not seeing the difference, here...?

http://i56.tinypic.com/8w9m9w.gif

Oh! Now who would that be?

http://i52.tinypic.com/hv8dih.png
absentPsychologist [AP] started trolling brutalTrifecta [BT]
AP: Hey...BT, you there?
BT: heeey kid, what's up?
AP: Have...you ever, met a. Troll who, seemed. Born, not...to contribute. To the genetic...pool?
BT: i think weee'veee ALL MEEET trolls likeee that!!!
BT: theee droneee takeees careee of theem EEEVEEENTUALLY.
AP: Kay, just making...sure I'm. Not...incompetant. Sometimes. Quadrants, are so hard. To fill, for some people. Like...they cannot. Hate right...or something.
BT: weeell, the thing about HATING someeeoneee is that you can't reeeally forceee it.
BT: hateee comes naturally, but someeetimeees it takeees awhileee to find theee right oneee.
AP: I can, see. That. It just...seems like. Some people, are beyond. It. Others, even seem...set on infidelity. Even knowing, the cost.
BT: i can't reeeally say anything about thoseee wierdoeees.
BT: things areee hard eeenough without making EEENEEEMIEEES of EEEVEEERYONEEE you meeet!!!
BT: but maybeee theeey'ree just deeespeeerateee for someeeoneee to hateee and can't MAKEEE UP theeeir minds.
AP: That's what...I said! But, meh. Some people...are difficult. To reach.
BT: "someee peeeopleee"?
AP: hmm...I haven't. Ever introduced, you to my...friends have I?
BT: theeereee hasn't beeen much opportunity for that sort of thing.
BT: i'veee told you beeeforeee, i'm shipping out for the greeeat beeeyond in half a sweeep!!!
AP: Then I'll have to. Do it soon...so I can get. All the help, I can get with. These. Degenerates.
AP: We, are supposed. To be playing, a game. Soon. I know FLARPING with. A bunch of kids, might seem. Odd...but would you like to be. A part of, it?
BT: weeell.
BT: it is VEEERY odd.
BT: but it might beee fun. i haveeen't gotteeen into a good BRAWL in quiteee awhileee.
BT: just reeemeeembeer i can't commit to anything for veeery long!!!
AP: Fine, by. Me. I was...worried I'd. Have to, poke at. Your, weakness. To get you. Going.
BT: what WEEEAKNEEESS?
AP: You know. You can't. Resist, a fight. Based on. BLOOD.
BT: you'reee a wieeerd kid, ap. i could turn you into a purpleee smeeear if you madeee meee REEEALLY angry.
AP: It, might. Be worth. It to, see you. In action.
AP: Besides, I ain't. No. Punk.
BT: haha!!! if you say so!!!
AP: Better, have your. Fists, ready, because...I know. When we get together. It is going to get. REAL. But, I still don't know. A lot, about the game...so...bluh.
BT: just keeep meee in theee loop and leeet meee know wheeen this thing will geeet STARTEEED!!!
brutalTrifecta [BT] ceased trolling absentPsychologist [AP]

Well, that was convenient! It's been a long time since you played FLARP, but now that you think of it, it WOULD be a good way to practice.

It's not like there's any real risk to someone as skilled as yourself.

>Be someone else.
- Loyal, 3 years ago
• You go back to being Scalis.

Creator? What on earth is that supposed to me-

You are now GEMINEX.
It is a wonderful feeling.
You are sitting in UNDERGROUND LAIR WHICH IS REALLY AN OFFICE BUT SCREW YOU PAL, considering your recent absence from this RP, brought upon by driving school, reports for college and your online time being eaten up by organizational matters and attempts to stop sucking at visual art. You do not have many successes to record. Also, you are still working on the WORLD DOMINATION thing, but you do not have many successes to record there either. That saddens you.
It is beginning to feel sort of pointless to break the fourth wall simply in order to state this, but you reason that someobody would have broken it eventually anway, so it might as well be you.
You briefly consider how very, very sexy you are as you wait for a new command.

> Decide to go meta

You decide to go meta by giving yourself the command to go meta. Which is in itself pretty meta. Well done!
> Now cut the crap, you haven't posted in ages.

'kay...

> Really be Scalis this time

You are now really being Scalis this time. You are just fishing up the "FAUNA TRANSMUTIONISTS" story you have been engrossed in, when you become aware that you are being trolled. More than usual, in any case. You'd love to return the favor. Now if you could just... retrieve your gruptop...
After some careful searching and double-checking, you manage to retrieve several grapes, an (honestly inexplicable) goat, before,finally, fishing out your grubtop. You really need to get your ARCHIVE MODUS organized, but it has always been thus. Sometimes you speculate whether you subconciously like the disorder. Then you wonder whether you should stop being an idiot. Your conclusions are generally no and yes.

Your train of self-loathing is interrupted as you see that there is a memo underway. You join it, and proceed to participate in this EXTREMELY UNPRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1086639&postcount=49).
There. That was... mildly enlightening. Though whatever you gained was counter-acted by the fact that you had to be courteous to... him...
You shudder at the thought of what he did. But soon you will be... even...
If you didn't know better, you'd say there was a barely audile humming in the background, almost like approving, yet sinister, laughter. But the only thing around you is the books, so you shake the feeling off and turn back to your gruptop. Another troll! It almost seems as if they are lining up to be condescended by you! Coming to you like they originate from a country suffering a severe shortage of... something extremely popular and vital, and they have heard that you have such a large supply of said thing that it practically amounts to a free good, so it is imperative that you immediately commence in an activit related specifically to the distribution of... said... thing...
You're not very good at metaphor. Or simile. Or allegory.
Good at synonyms, though.
...
Anyway, you reply, and then proceed to have THIS CONVERSATION (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1087167&postcount=60).

But enough of social interaction. You are on duty, here. You return the FAUNA TRANSMUTATIONISTS novel to its proper place on the shelves (though you are certain that it will not remain in its proper place for any length of time) and continue down the many ailes, letting your intuition guide you. Some might say that going with the flow is probably the worst thing you could do when in a place of knowlege and strange power, a place where reality has few limits and even fewer points of reference, where there is no real difference between a word on a page and a moment of existence! They would speak of losing touch with reality, of become less troll and more character with each step, of becoming part of a story, a tool of the books, the many, many fragments of author's minds, carried on by their written words, assembled, connected with all others to make an unspeakably powerful, unpredictable, omniscient superconciousness. But you would accuse them of exaggerating, and point out that, even should the library harbor you ill will, it isn't going to keep itself cleaned, sorted and safe. Who'd make sure silence was maintainted at all times in the reading rooms, hmm? Besides those individuals didn't go through the arduous experience of trying to make a map for this place. After wasted almost half a sweep, you gave it up and decided on going with the flow. It's served you well so far, you doubt today will be the day you regret letting your hive influence you. What're the odds!

As you stride purposefully (though your slippers turn it into more of a purposefull shuffle, honestly), you are constantly vigilant! For out-of-place books, for anomalies, for anything the librarchivary could throw at you. CONSTANT VIGILANCE is the key to survival. And when it comes to a vigilance-off, you are uqite simply the best there is.

Or you would be. If not for the fact that you are imagining what it would be like to be a FAUNA TRANSMUTATIONIST. Yes! You would HAVE the power of transmutation, and along with your gang of friends at your side (or, rather of "friend", as your relationships have been suffering lately), you would... Do some research! It would be vital to find out which FAUNA would be most effective at fighting the SLUGLIKE MIND-CONTROL ALIEN invasion. This would take a while, but the conflict would undoubtedly cease quickly once you discovered the perfect TRANSMUTATION. No series of increasingly desperate, dramatic, exciting adventures for you. Nope. Several hours of research, and one utterly risk-free mission. Much better that way. Knowlege triumphs again! You stop, vaguely aware that you've entered some sort of larger space, but you're concentrating on something else right now..

Something is niggling at you, something about... writing, and stories, and why knowlege never triumphs, ever, (at least not in these situations) but... you are dimly aware of the source of this niggling bit of info. And that alone is enough to banish it from your mind. You do not want to remember that, him. No thank you, no need to file those memories, straight into the shredder with them, the incinerator, the center of the alternian sun, thank you very much. But that is not how it works. You find it very, very hard you forget. Facts, things, people. Especially people. Excrutiatingly hard. And when you do forget, or at least manage to push something away, out of sight, out of mind, you tend to be... reminded at times. Vividly. As you look around and realise exactly where it is your feet and your intuition decided to take you, you become extremely certain that this is one of those times. There's pages on the floor, ash, soot, broken glass. The air smells of ozone and electricity and knowlege gone wrong, and you crouch down, sit back against one of the few intact shelves in this once-great reading hall. You have now been reminded, very vividly. So, like it or not, you now get to... remember.
Enjoy the ride.
- Geminex, 3 years ago
• >Get off the ride and be Caoway.

You succeed at getting off the ride and being Caoway.

You once again find yourself in your RESPITEBLOCK, now seated at the desk. It would seem that your old HUSKTOP has reached the sufficent temperature for trolling and you are now typing up something.

>View computer screen.

[MC] opened up memo on board TRUE TALES OF TWO HORNED ADVENTURE.

MC: /j Ahoy. It'S\ been awhile haS\n't it?
MC: /j S\ome thinG\S\ happene/) and I mope/) aroun/) for a bit.
MC: /j Won't G\et into the /)etailS\.
MC: /j Oh, an/) if you've been won/)ering why Zottic haS\ been takinG\ S\o lonG\ to up/)ate...
MC: /j I /)on't reG\ret to inform you that he will no lonG\er be poS\ting hiS\ S\o-calle/) /journalS\ on thiS\ boar/).
MC: /j BecauS\e he'S\ /)ea/).
MC: /j Well, now that that'S\ been toS\S\e/) overboar/), I have S\omethinG\ to S\hare with you all.
MC: /j It'S\ an excerpt from my current work in proG\reS\S\.
MC: /j I'm havinG\ a /juS\t little bit of /)ifficulty in the whole S\tory tellinG\ thinG\.
MC: /j The S\ource material miG\ht be part of the problem too.
MC: /j I won't can/)y-coat it, it'S\ about my recent maritime lifeform reapinG\ ventureS\.
MC: /j They're really all I have to write about theS\e /)ayS\.
MC: /j Well, G\oinG\ back on courS\e, I was hopinG\ to G\et some critiqueS\ an/) conS\tructive criticiS\mS\.
MC: /j Rea/): S\omethinG\ I can uS\e to improve the narrative, not S\uG\G\eS\tionS\ of a/)/)ing a re/)rom intereS\t, S\lam poetry /jamS\, bakinG\ a be/)rock an/) artichoke caS\S\erole, or S\witchinG\ to an illuS\trate/) me/)ium an/) S\tart wearinG\ an oranG\e S\cale-mail S\hirt.
MC: /j Here'S\ what I G\ot S\o far. Tell me what you think.

MC: /j They came. But they /)i/) not come aS\ the Mako ha/) come. One turne/) an/) went out of S\ight un/)er the S\kiff an/) I coul/) feel the S\kiff S\hake aS\ I /jerke/) an/) pulle/) on the /)'lak'n. The other watche/) me with hiS\ S\litte/) yellow eyeS\ an/) then came in faS\t with hiS\ half circle of /jawS\ wi/)e to hit the /)'lak'n where he ha/) alrea/)y been bitten. The line S\howe/) clearly on the top of hiS\ brown hea/) an/) back where the brain /joine/) the S\pinal cor/) an/) I /)rove the knife on the oar into the /juncture, with/)rew it, and /)rove it in aG\ain into the S\hark'S\ yellow /)ouble-mouthe/)-cat-like eyeS\. The S\hark let G\o of the /)'lak'n an/) sli/) /)own, S\wallowinG\ what he ha/) taken aS\ he die/). Hemnet-2 | S\ealife-0

The S\kiff waS\ S\till S\hakinG\ with the /)eS\truction the other S\hark waS\ doinG\ to the /)'lak'n and I let G\o the S\heet S\o that the S\kiff woul/) S\winG\ broa/)S\i/)e an/) brinG\ the S\hark out from un/)er. When I S\aw the S\hark I leane/) over the S\ide an/) punche/) at him. I bit only meat an/) the hi/)e waS\ S\et har/) an/) I barely G\ot the knife in. The blow hurt not only my han/) but my S\houl/)er too. I S\houl/) probably have limbere/) up before fightinG\ the S\arkS\. But the S\hark came up faS\t with hiS\ hea/) out an/) I hit him S\quarely in the center of hiS\ flat-toppe/) hea/) aS\ hiS\ noS\e came out of the water an/) lay against the /)'lak'n. I with/)rew the bla/)e an/) punche/) the S\hark exactly in the S\ame S\pot aG\ain. He S\till hunG\ to the /)'lak'n with hiS\ /jawS\ hooke/) S\o I S\tabbe/) him in hiS\ left eye. The S\hark S\till hunG\ there. TenaciouS\ little fuck.

"No?" I S\aid right aS\ I /)rove the bla/)e between the vertebrae and the brain. It waS\ an eaS\y S\hot now an/) I felt the cartilaG\e S\ever.
FUTURE melancholicChumly [FMC] 598 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FMC: I think you S\houl/) /)rop the S\coreboar/) an/) the after-thouG\htS\.
FMC: They're funny, but they /)etract from the S\everity of the S\ituation.
MC: /j What the /)evil-/)octor-/)inoS\aur-fiS\h? Who iS\ thiS\?
MC: /j Zeb, iS\ thiS\ you /)oinG\ one of your "I'll /)o S\omethinG\ incre/)ibly S\tupi/) on a whim without fear of repercuS\S\ionS\" thinG\?
FMC: Nope, Trollian iS\ riG\ht. It's /juS\t you here.
FMC: S\orry about the tooly, nonchalant critique. I only /)i/) it becauS\e I remember /)oinG\ it.
MC: /j Okay, who iS\ thiS\ really?
MC: /j Drop the act alrea/)y.
FMC: It'S\ no act. I'm you, 598 hourS\ from your current time.
FMC: An/) you're me, a couple /)ozen broken wallS\ an/) a few hundre/) outraG\eouS\ S\trifeS\ ago.
MC: /j Well, forG\ive me for beinG\ /juS\t a bit S\keptical...
FMC: It's okay, I remember thinkinG\ I waS\ full of marine hoofbeaS\t leavinG\S\ when I waS\ you.
MC: /j But /)o you actually have any proof that you're me?
FMC: S\iG\h, here comeS\ the S\tupid part.
FMC: We have a wriG\G\ling mark on our lower back in the exact mirror imaG\e of the /)own-under-there continent.
FMC: With a tumorouS\ blemiS\h S\tandinG\ in for Troll TaS\mania.
MC: /j ...Who the fuck is thiS\ really?
FMC: I alrea/)y told you!
FMC: G\oG\, I wiS\h I had wiS\e/) up a bit S\ooner.
FMC: Look, I know you /)on't believe that what iS\ happeninG\ riG\ht now iS\ poS\S\ible.
FMC: An/) you're G\oinG\ to continue /)oubting me for a few more minuteS\.
FMC: But I know for a fact that you're G\oinG\ to hear me out anywayS\.
MC: /j An/) why iS\ that?
FMC: BecauS\e I remember /)oing it.
MC: /j ThiS\ iS\ idiotic.
MC: /j You can't be me. You /)on't even beG\in your S\entence with a /j.
FMC: That'S\ becauS\e we S\toppe/) /)oing that. After thiS\ very converS\ation in fact.
MC: /j Okay, if you are me, then explain how I'm/you're /)oing this.
MC: /J An/) /)on't fuckinG\ S\ay maG\ic!
FMC: It'S\ not maG\ic. /juS\t a feature of Trollian.
FMC: I /)on't know exactly how it is that Trollian pullS\ thiS\ off.
FMC: /)erpah explaine/) it to everyone but it went riG\ht over my hea/).
FMC: The S\hort an/) lonG\ of it iS\, if you know how to work it, Trollian allowS\ for you to troll not /juS\t people in the preS\ent but in the paS\t an/) future aS\ well.
FMC: You're fin/)inG\ thiS\ out now, but once all our frien/)S\ S\tart openinG\ up memoS\ to coor/)inate everything they'll figure it out aS\ well.
FMC: An/) then they'll S\tart lookinG\ for hintS\ an/) cheatS\ an/) fixeS\ to problemS\ that alrea/)y happened.
FMC: A certain S\omeone even trieS\ enG\aG\ing in a flame war with himS\elf.
FMC: All pretty pointleS\S\.
MC: /j PointleS\S\? How S\o?
FMC: ArG\h, time really iS\'t my thinG\. Let me S\ee if I can explain thiS\.
FMC: Okay, the catch here iS\ that you can access any point in a perS\on'S\ timeline but you can't chanG\e anythinG\.
MC: /j IS\ that a rule we came up with?
FMC: No, that'S\ /juS\t what Trollian /)oes.
MC: /j But iS\n't that what you're /)oing now?
FMC: Haven't you been payinG\ attention at all?
FMC: ThiS\ converS\ation is only happeninG\ becauS\e I remember it happeninG\.
MC: /j But what if I /)eci/)e to not contact paS\t me and chanG\e that?
FMC: TruS\t me, you will remember thiS\ converS\ation weekS\ from now an/) then contact yourS\elf.
FMC: I meant it when I S\aid I waS\ you.
MC: /j Okay, thiS\ iS\ really outlan/)fiS\h.
MC: /j I S\wear to Mother G\rub that waS\ a typo, not a pun.
FMC: I believe you.
MC: /j I mean, why woul/) I contact myS\elf?
MC: /j An/) what memoS\ to coor/)inate thingS\?
MC: /j What are we coor/)inating?
FMC: Well that'S\ the whole reaS\on I looke/) up the memo in the firS\t place.
FMC: To liG\ht a fire un/)er your aS\S\ an/) G\et you in.
MC:/j G\et me in what?
FMC: Remember that meS\S\aG\e from TA you S\kimmed over /juS\t before S\tarting thiS\ memo?
FMC: Put the blun/)erbuS\S\ down.
MC: /j You cannot be S\eriouS\. A FlARPING\....
FMC: I know how you feel, but there'S\ S\ome very hiG\h S\takeS\ attatche/) to thiS\ G\ame.
MC: /j Like?
FMC: Can't tell you.
MC: /j Why not?
FMC: BecauS\e I /)on't remember beinG\ told that in thiS\ converS\ation. /)on't worry thouG\h, you'll fin/) out soon enouG\h.
MC: /j Fuck thiS\, fuck FLARPING\, an/) Fuck you/me for tryinG\ to convince me/yourS\elf to be a boy-S\kylark.
MC: /j I /)on't have the luxary of free time to enG\aG\e S\tupi/) preten/) G\ameS\.
MC: /j I have a luS\S\uS\ to fee/), S\o no FLARPING\.
FMC: G\o inveS\tiG\ate the lou/) noiS\e.
MC: /j What lou/) noiS\e?

All of a sudden, you hear a loud crash and feel your whole hive shake.

>Investigate loud noise.

You trip over nearly everything in the hive, but you manage to make it to the front entryway. As you make your way outside, you note that though it's still storming the rain seems to have stop. It's through the flashes of lightning that you see a large hill at the tree line that was not there when you were walking up earlier.

Oh dear.

>What?

There is the severed back end of a lordwhale in front of your hive. Everything you know is wrong. Your jaw just dropped with enough force to smash through a stack of bricks.

>Be another troll until Caoway regains his composure.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• > Be another troll until Caoway regains his composure.

You are now IROPHA, yesterday!

This could be a while.

> Get someone's goat.

You're laid a trap. And by trap you mean you've put down a pile of food which includes a portion of your purloined delicious baked goods in a prominent location so that a certain wandering lusus will eat it.

==>

Nommington's taken the bait. The goat will return home stuffed and Gormaa will definitely detect the whiff of delicious baked goods on his breath.

When the wingedrat comes a calling about stolen cakes, the lusus will be getting the blame.

The perfect crime.

Time for Phase Two.

> ???

Perhaps it would be better to skip ahead.

> PROFIT

It is now now, in the present. You're on your way to SHARL'S HIVE, but NOTHING VERY EXCITING is happening.

Might as well start Phase Three. You make use of your PDA.

-- hastyExecutor [HE] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --
HE: HEY GORM^^^^^^^!!!
HE: I H^vE SOME GOURMET PIES FROM ^ >ELIvERY TH^T SOMEONE >I>N'T W^NT
HE: WOUL> YOU LI|<E TO TRY SOME?!

Wheels within wheels.
- Arhra, 3 years ago
• Wheels within wheels.

>Be outside the wheels.

You are now Leraje, and you have your own wheels to spin.

>Meddle.

You stare through your Trollian client for the various chumps about to get thoroughly trolled, Zeb had already taken a proper smack to the brain that might help him on his way to improvement. A seed of hate that might somehow blossom to nefariousness to be proud of, and next on the line was...

Piron.

A mysterious and sheltered creature, it was you that dragged her into the group in the hopes of it having an effect on her curt and instinctive nature. Though you will admit that the way you two became friends wasn't exactly orthodox.

>Remember meeting Piron.

Thw whole world does the blurry flashback thing as you got lost in your head again and you are pulled back to when you first met, the pain still fresh in your mind from that, and nearly every other, encounter until you finally respected one another. Then it was only when you met in person.

You had been hunting for food in the terrifying depths of the Alternian ocean with your lusus. The hunt had been going well until the sudden appearance of a shark that took to attacking Seymour, his blood leaking out into the water and...

It started to get unclear from here, probably thanks to the scarring pain and inevitable suffocation. This bothered you. Your memories were something that you took pride in keeping fresh. There had to be a good way to remember.

>Troll Prion.

...yeah I was totally going to do that.

absentPsychologist [AP] started trolling stalkerSahagin [SS]
AP: Hey SS, do you. Remember the first time we...fought? I'm trying, to get. A clear picture but, it seems kinda. Fuzzy...
SS: Blood loss tends to do that.
AP: Yes. I remember a lot, of blood. And pain...and asphixiation. But nothing. Clear. Was it really...that hectic? I know the, second. One was. But...I'm trying to remember. If you. Ambushed...me then.
AP: Because. Then, it was just...shock. That is, masking it.
SS: Well, when one's arm gets bitten off...
AP: ...I'm, almost embarrassed. At how frequently. That happens.
AP: But then, I could never. Beat you, with just. One. Not underwater...
AP: No. Wouldn't, make...that mistake. Were you blood, blind. Again?
SS: No.
AP: I think...it is clearing.

She swam up on you faster than you could keep an eye on, distracted by the two lusus fighting. You should have thought about there being another troll nearby, but you panicked.

Sometimes being underwater did that to you.

She bit your arm off with powerful ferocity, something you've learned to expect from her since.

You tried desperately to swing the chain in return, but the water made you too slow, her claws raking at you with every move. You couldn't catch her in a loop, your other arm drifting uselessly in the currents. The world was looking doomed, you were running out of breath, out of blood, out of time.

Seymour broke free from the shark, bashing it down with a sweep of his tail, and grabbed you with his tongue, dragging you to safety.

It had gone badly for you. And you never forgot that. It was why you came back. You had to beat her somehow. At least once.

AP: You really whipped my ass.
SS: That's all there is to say on the matter.
AP: I don't think. Our second, fight went any better for me...
SS: Especially after that neck bite.
SS: But then again, you are good prey.

You got lost in the memories again, as you tended to do in the middle of conversations. You had journeyed back to the cave in search of her. with a shackle or two with spare arms attached.

Your plan: Distract her lusus with the extra limbs and get her with a surprise attack!

It did not go quite as planned.

The shark took to the bait pretty well, the blood attracting it in no time, busying itself with chewing on the flesh. You're entry had been silent, as far as silence can go underwater, and you were sure that she couldn't see you as you crawled on the walls of the cave, ready to lunge down and catch her in your chains.

But she could smell you.

It wasn't long before she had you in her arms and was biting and raking you as before. This time you got a few good punches in, but nothing substantial. It went to hell quickly and you had to sacrifice one of your chains just to get out alive.

Another failure.

AP: Trouble. Was, I didn't...want to be. Prey. So I kept coming, back.
SS: Not my fault you are tasty.
AP: Why does. Everyone, keep saying. That?
SS: It's the truth?
AP: The trap, was the. Best. Finally, getting. The upper. Hand.
AP: Our...first, real. Strife.

After more failures than you cared to go into you had noticed something about her ability to smell his blood. After he began to get particularly emptied she would start acting far more savage, and so came the next plan. Operation Blood Ties.

It took a long time, a large watertight sack, and meticulous collection of your blood and the blood of other things to put in it.

You swam down with a couple spare arms to throw off the lusus again, who predictably took to them almost immediately.

You began banging on the cave wall as you had done before when you tried to coax her to land the first time. Which she had denied, having a clear enough mind to see your ruse.

She came out to chase you as she had done before, but as soon as she started to turn around again you broke the bag. The water filling with unreasonable amounts of blood, the mixing colors creating a pure black.

She stopped, and the scent began to overwhelm her as she turned to hunt you once more. The only visible prey in her blood blindness. You swam desperately towards the shore, and she followed.

AP: It actually. Almost, looked like. Another. Failure.
AP: I didn't. Think. You'd be so good, on land.
SS: Strong legs from swimming.
SS: Thus, I can jump fairly well.

You had stumbled out of the water. She flew. Out like a flying fish and on you in a second, knocking you to the ground. Scratching and biting and tearing at you .

For moment you thought you were doomed again but a lucky punch knocked her off. You jumped away and the two of you squared off with one another. You staring down at her your chain falling to the ground with a heavy thud. She was snarling and growling her claws ready to rend you asunder. She leapt again.

It wasn't so perfect this time.

Dead stopped on her way across the sky with a fist to her jaw that sent her sprawling to the ground. You threw your chain at her, the links wrapping around her neck and you started pulling her across the ground.

She gripped at the chain instinctively, the asphyxiating grip inspiring the natural response, but she could not break the links with just her basic claws. So she leapt again. You hadn't faced a creature smart enough for a while to go with the flow, and so you didn't react properly.

You fell to your back by the sudden loss of resistance and she was on you again. This time you didn't panic though, and gripped your chain tight pulling the makeshift choke collar and kicking her off. You struggled to your feet again, but she seemed to get there with unreasonable speed. You pulled the chain desperately knocking her off her balance and then ripped it off it's choke hold the links flying back to your trusting grip.

Pulling her wasn't working. It was time to do it the old fashioned way.

You pulled another chain from your specibus and wrapped both hands, cracking your neck audibly and then ran screaming into the fray.

AP: I still can't...remember who. Won.
SS: You absconded.
AP: ...did I? I hadn't. Even, lost a limb. Yet.
SS: I do not know why either.
AP: All, I know. Is I. Had your. Trollian ID, when I. Got home.
SS: Why DID you attack me in the first place?
AP: You were good prey.
SS: I am NOT prey
AP: We'll see. About that. Next time.
AP: But I told, you. Since that. First assault. When you took my...arm. I had, to beat you.
SS: Well, how many times have you tried?
SS: And how often did you come away bloodied?
AP: Not, enough. To give. Up.
AP: Besides.
AP: If I, didn't come...away bloodied. I'd be. Sorely. Dissapointed...
SS: And if you die?
AP: I, don't fear. Death.
AP: Just failure.
SS: And you've failed to kill me.
AP: I don't. Want to, kill you.
SS: Then why attack me?
AP: It is fun.
SS: ...
AP: Confused?
SS: Yes.
AP: Good...maybe. It will. Inspire, thought.
AP: Contemplation.
AP: Learning. For now, all I have. Is confusion. So, I'll have. To leave you. In it.
AP: Bye ._.
absentPsychologist[AP] stopped trolling StalkerSahagin[SS]
SS: Glub.

Meddling complete. Another seed planted, the seed of PERSPECTIVE. Prion was a very instinctive creature, hardly ever branching beyond the very basics of how you can respond to a situation. This made her very curt, and for the most part not all that friendly. You had dragged her into this to open a world view that had been crippled by being so isolated, and you hoped this little activity had helped build on that expanding understanding.

You sipped on the bottle of relatively mediocre soda as you contemplated the next chump.

Actually thinking about perspective, you thought maybe you should get a bit yourself.

>Troll Burgun.

You proceed to have this conversation. (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1090605&postcount=80)

You had been wanting to get her in on your friends for a while. Though you had maintained that she was going to be your control in most relationships and advisory in some of your meddling you just could not resist having her in the mix. One was that inherent competitiveness in you that had to eventually be quenched, but the other was that you could only explain a situation so much.

In having her in the mix you risked your control over their actions, but you could not count on you always making the right decision.

You hoped when you couldn't she could. For all their sakes.

>Meddle

Nah, need a break for a minute. Too much activity at once can sometimes confuse. Nobody benefits from that.

>Be someone less meddlesome.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >Be someone less meddlesome.

You succeed at being the incredibly less meddlesome Caoway. You are now running up the staircase in your hive and into your RESPITEBLOCK, where upon entering you immediately stumble over your stuffed Splash-hound and fall flat on your face.

Ouch, that look like it hurt.

>Get up and go continue talking with yourself.

You pick yourself up off the floor and take a moment to do the same for Ten before rushing back to the computer.

FMC: Ouch, I /juS\t remember/) the S\tumble I ha/) on the way back in.
FMC: S\orry about not warninG\ you.
MC: you
MC: how
MC: that
FMC: ThiS\ iS\ about the kS\itty couplinG\ en/) of a lor/)whale out in front of the hive, iS\ it?
MC: /)i/) you /)o that?
FMC: S\ort of.
FMC: There'S\ G\oinG\ to be S\ome weir/) time S\hit involvinG\ a /)iS\S\appearifier/appearifier later on.
FMC: S\o I aS\ke/) the perS\on /)oing all that to /)rop that miS\hap off at my hive at thiS\ exact moment.
MC: Why?!
FMC: Partly to /)aS\h away any remaininG\ /)oubtS\ you have that thiS\ converS\ation iS\ leS\S\ than G\enuine.
FMC: MoS\tly S\o that you have no excuS\e not to /join.
MC: What?
FMC: That'S\ enouhG\ meat to fee/) Beechie for a few /)ayS\, iS\n't it?
FMC: You have nothinG\ but free time now.
MC: But moS\t of it'S\ G\oinG\ to S\poil before he haS\ a chance to eat it.
FMC: Put it on ice.
MC: What ice?

Another thunderous crash came from outside.

FMC: That ice.
MC: ArG\h, why iS\ it S\o /)amn important that I /join this G\ame?
FMC: BecauS\e it iS\, all riG\ht?
FMC: Look, I know you hate beinG\ tol/) what you can an/) can't /)o.
FMC: I alS\o know how you feel about G\ames like thiS\.
FMC: But for G\oG\'S\ S\ake, thiS\ iS\ yourS\elf tellinG\ you to /join!
FMC: /)on't you think it miG\ht be in your beS\t intereS\t to S\hut up an/) just /)o it?
MC: It'S\ /juS\t...
FMC: It'S\ /juS\t what?
FMC: You prefer to mope aroun/) an/) make S\tupi/) S\hipS\ in bottleS\?
FMC: Maybe S\tuff an/) mount a fiS\h or two?
FMC: I'm offerinG\ a chance for a new a/)venture.
FMC: Maybe not like the oneS\ we're uS\e/) to.
FMC: But it iS\ an a/)venture none the leS\S\.
FMC: One you are G\oinG\ to participate in reG\ar/)leS\S\ of how you feel riG\ht now.
MC: S\iG\h.
FMC: Your frien/)S\ are G\oinG\ to be in thiS\ G\ame too.
FMC: An/) they will nee/) your help.
MC: /)o I have to wear a tunic?
FMC: I haven't worn a tunic thiS\ entire time an/) I have no planS\ to /)o S\o in the future.
MC: Fine, it'S\ not like I G\ot anythinG\ better to /)o.
FMC: G\oo/), you're not G\oinG\ to reG\ret thiS\ too much.
MC: /)o I have anymore of theS\e weir/) time cluS\terfuckS\ to look forwar/) to?
FMC: There'S\ G\oinG\ to be S\ooo many queer temporal occuranceS\.
FMC: You're G\oinG\ to want to break a clock.
FMC: But, thiS\ iS\ the only converS\ation you have with yourS\elf, if that'S\ any conS\olation.
FMC: Oh, I /juS\t remembere/) that waS\n't.
MC: /)o you have anythinG\ elS\e to tell me?
MC: Or /)o you not remember /)oinG\ that?
FMC: Actually, I /)o remember beinG\ tol/) S\ome thingS\ that really helpe/) me out.
MC: An/) thoS\e thinG\S\ woul/) be?
FMC: Well, if you ever hear S\omethinG\ like two metal containerS\ beinG\ clanG\ed toG\ether, abS\con/).
FMC: An/) /)o not S\top abS\con/)inG\.
FMC: PaS\S\ that meS\S\aG\e on.
MC: Oooo, ominouS\.
MC: Whoop-/)ee-/)oo.
FMC: PleaS\e take thiS\ S\eriouS\ly.
FMC: S\econ/)ly, thereS\ G\oinG\ to be a lot of romance in thiS\ G\ame.
FMC: An/) not the kin/) we like.
FMC: Put the blun/)erbuS\S\ /)own, you /)on't even have the S\trifeS\pecibuS\ for it.
MC: I can S\till try!
MC: /)ammit.
MC: ArG\h, anythinG\ elS\e?
FMC: /juS\t one more.
FMC: I nee/) you to not juS\t remember thiS\.
FMC: You nee/) to really believe in thiS\ meS\S\aG\e.
MC: An/) that woul/) be?
FMC: ThinG\S\ will G\et better.
MC: Okay, note/).
FMC: G\oo/), now you nee/) reS\pon/) to /)erpah's message as soon as I sign off.
FMC: /)on't worry about the lor/)whale half, it'S\ not G\oinG\ anywhere.
FMC: An/) sorry in a/)vance for the ba/) /)ay you're about to have.
MC: What?
FMC: beS\tG\etamoveonyourfrien/)S\nee/)youbye!
FMC banned himself from responding to memo.

MC: S\plen/)i/).
MC closed memo.

You answer Aldurin's message and proceed to have this conversation (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1087658&postcount=63).

Well, now you're caught up to the present and need to find some players for your team.

>Skim Not dying in Sgrub for assholes.

You skim the file. The game mechanics are explained in a condescending and downright rude manner. You get fed up with being insulted by Derpah's stupid instructions and close the file.

> Contemplate which trolls in your social circle would make for good teammates.

You do just that, but find that you're not very sure what kind of things to look for in an RP teammate. Maybe you should recruit somebody with more RP experience and consult this with them.

>Scroll through TrollSlum and find experienced FLARPER.

Hmm, there is this guy. He's a troll on a shore up north of here. He's definitely an experienced FLARPER, but he will not stop with the meddling and discussing of romance. Not the adventure kind of romance either.

>Go for a nap in the RECUPERACOON.

Can't you see you're busy weighing pros and cons right now? Besides the RECUPERACOON is blocked off. Couldn't sleep in it if you wanted to.

Be another troll you say? Well if you insist.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• Your insistence pays off. You succeed at being another troll.

> But I didn't say that I wanted to be another troll. I told Caoway to contact the meddl--

You are now Gorrma.

> .......what.

You have learned a valuable lesson about being a smartass.

> But I wasn't being a smartass! I just wanted to--

You are now GORRMA. And you are now EATING what appears to be a pile of dead--

> Okay, okay, I get it! Just stop with the eating!

Oh, what's this? Why, look over there at your husktop! Someone is TROLLING you! How exciting! You put the leftovers of your pile of roasted gophers in your FOOD COOLING AND COLD STORAGE UNIT and inspect your husktop.

-- hastyExecutor [HE] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --
HE: HEY GORM^^^^^^^!!!
HE: I H^vE SOME GOURMET PIES FROM ^ >ELIvERY TH^T SOMEONE >I>N'T W^NT
HE: WOUL> YOU LI|<E TO TRY SOME?!

Pies?! Awesome!!!!

omnipotentOmnivore [OO] began trolling hastyExecutor [HE]
OO: !!!
OO: would i ever!
OO: wow. i dunno why anyone wouldn't want a delivery of piesh. that'sh jusht crazy-talk.
OO: but then, i've learned that not everyone hash tashtesh ash refined ash mine. ]:-/
OO: kinda weird, i know, but it'sh true. shome people jusht can't
OO: appreciate food like i can. life musht be really boring for them.
OO: like a while ago, i wash talking to aldurin and he shaid that--
OO: !!!
OO: oh! that remindsh me! i might have shome shtuff for you to deliver to shome
OO: friendsh of mine, if you have time!!
OO: depending on what i can get accomplished here today. ]:-\

Yes, you really have a full plate today, so to speak. All the baking and recipe-planning and deep frying and puzzle solving you've been doing today-- not to mention the SGRUB game later... You hope you haven't bitten off more than you can chew. You should really start prioritizing things better. Maybe move some things onto the backburner for a while.

Nah.

>Be someone else.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else

You are now Tergum's corpse.

>Tergum: get up.

Didn't you hear me? You're Tergum's corpse.

>Fine. Tergum's corpse: get up.

Much better! You can't comply, but it's nice that you're picking up the syntax.

=>

You are now Tergum's lusus, STRIZE. You're sort of a HIDEOUS PRAYING MANTIS THING, and like a lot of lusi, you take great pleasure in ATTACKING YOUR YOUNG CHARGE. Normally he doesn't bleed quite so much though...

>Strize: Inspect YOUNG CHARGE.

You proceed to poke Tergum's immobile body, but he remains unconscious despite the most vicious of drubbings! That's... not good...

>

Suddenly, your charge leaps to his feet and headbutts you in the stomach! If it weren't for the odd, downward curving shape of his horns, that would have skewered you! Such an uppity child! The crafty little nook-sniffer was playing dead!

>

Tergum jumps backward, picks up the pen that he had previously fallen on, and changes POV.

>

You are Tergum, again. So, your lusus wants to joke around, does he? Well, we'll see who'll have the last laugh! It will be you. You have four options right now: You can Affray, Adnominate, Abscind, or Animadvert.

You attempt to distract Strize with a horrible pun: "^^antis is a|_|_ y[]u've g[]t?"

Strize seems unphazed by your genius wordplay.

Since your pun had no effect, you devide to go with something a little more natural: a SCATHING INSULT. "Y[]u're fat and un|_[]ved.

>Strize: Beat Tergum for that blatant show of disrespect.

You would, but you're feeling to self-conscious. You mean, sure, you'd put on a couple of pounds recently, but that was just uncalled for! You shed a single tear of green liquid sorrow.

>Tergum: Finish this up. AFFRAY!

You point the BALLPOINT PENETRATOR at your lusus, hope that you didn't cause all of the ink to shoot out when you fell on it, and click the button.

>

A green jet of ink flies out, striking your custodian directly in the face. It knocks him through the wall of your Respiteblock, directly into the kitchen. The ink splattered across his head gathers together to form a phrase on his forehead, as you intended when you used the attack.

You glimpse your reflection in the door of your THERMAL HULL. "BLUH BLUH HUGE BUG."

>Strize: glare at Tergum.

You proceed to do so.

>Tergum: return glower.

You attempt to, but the two of you both end up laughing. Your lusus fondly pats you on the shoulder, as the two of you go to watch the Pokegrub television program, a common bonding experience. The words on your custodian's face shift into a new phrase: "Good Bug, Best Friend."

Despite your hatred for the world at large, you have a huge soft spot for your lusus. Clearly, he is the best custodian any Troll could ever ask for. You are thankful that nothing will ever tear the two of you apart. Ever.

>Be someone else.
- Token, 3 years ago
• > Be someone else.

You are no..fuck.

Ok, so you're the psycho sharkgirl troll thing.

You notice a name unrelated to the events you're about to undergo come up on Trollian.

> Be that troll.

No. You're busy being Prion.

> Fine. Troll that troll.

StalkerSahagin [SS] began trolling heliosianSiren [HS]

SS: Hey.
HS: HI! How are YOU DOING!?
SS: I'm fine.
HS: EXCELLENT! I FOUND a new soNG THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE!
heliosianSiren [HS] sent StalkerSahagin [SS] file "AwesomeSONG!".MPT
SS: Thank you.
HS: HOPE YOU like it!

StalkerSahagin [SS] ceased trolling heliosianSiren [HS]

> Check out this song.

You start to open up the program to play it, but because of the old Husktop it takes a while to open.

In the meantime, you get a small fish to nibble on.

> Play the damn song already.

> Resist the urge to rock the fuck out.

You fail to resist the urge. After all, you love that group. As you do so, you begin to play some air (Or water, in this case) guitar.

>Yes. Fuck yes.

You then get the feeling someone's watching you, and you decide quickly to be someone else while you recover from this emberassment.
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else.
Sorry, I need to rock out just a little more. Give me a moment.

>Have a moment.

...

Okay, I'm good. What did you want again?

>Be s- You know what, be Caoway.

You try to be Caoway but find that you cannot.

>What?

<Insert Picture of Troll-fisherman placating a raging Jaguar-seal hybrid here>

Yeah, looks like he's too busy dealing with some shit or whatever. I know, how about you be Gor-

>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, fine. How about Glissa then?

>Nah, too bland.

There is that one troll that's stuck in an attic and watching this whole story as it unfolds. Want to be him?

>Fuck that. Can't I just be Caoway when he contacts the meddler?

You cannot access that Caoway without the proper Scene Transition Combo.

>Be Future Caoway.

Through the power of weird time shit, you are now Caoway in the far future. Although, at this point in time you are too busy becoming WISE to take any commands.

>Be Less Future Caoway.

You are now Less Future Caoway. You have just connected with someone as their server and are currently manipulating their hive to- Oh crap. You just put another hole through your client's wall. Maybe you can fix this. Oh no, you just yanked the LOAD-GAPER out of the floor!

Arrrrgh, this is not going well at all. You have no idea how to work these controls. If only you had played more video games instead of having adventures out in the real world. Oh great, your client just walked into the room. The client sees what you did with the LOAD-GAPER and then proceeds to flip the fuck out. Better message him and apologize. Shit, your finger slipped and you broke one of the big high-tech looking things! FUUUUUUUUCK!

>This is stupid. Be UN-Future Caoway.

You find yourself far into the UN-Future and in the middle of the ocean again. You are UN-Future Caoway and you are sitting in a very different boat than the one you use in the UN-UN-future and have just finished transcribing one of your journals onto a memo using your LIR HUSKTOP. (You're sure that the people at True Tales of Two Horned Adventures are going to get a real kick out of this one!) Your custodian Beechie has left you momentarily to dive down below and gather a meal for the both of you. It really is unnessary, you just ate a few hours ago. You know that he wants to keep you well nourished so that you'll molt into big, strong adult troll but he needs to get it into his brain that you don't eat as much as Sea Jaguaren cub. You'd think it would be clear what with all the fish that goes to waste after every meal because you don't eat it all.

You're then struck with an idea: If you could show Beechie that you're capable of catching your own meal, maybe he'd stop horfing up piles of marlins and expecting you to eat'em all. And it just so happens that have the tool to do just that. You go into your STRIFE DECK, which currently has two KIND ABSTRATII, PADDLEKIND and POLEANDLINEKIND. You take the pole-and-line out of the specibus and proceed to bait it with a worm you were planning to try later because one of your friends assures you they are delicious. It's only been a few weeks since you acquired this weapon but you're already pretty good at using it, as evidenced by the scuppering of that purple-haired tool the other day. Haven't actually used it to catch a fish yet, but that's about to change.

You cast out your line and smile as you watch the bobber dip and rise in the gentle waves that are roll along the surface of the water, which itself catches the soft glow of the third full moon. A FEATHERY REAR SEA-SCAVENGER lands on the bow and watches you with great interest. The whole scene may as well be an illustration in a wriggler's storybook, with a warm smiley face drawn on the moon. It's times like these that almost make you forget that you live on a horrible murder world, filled with psychotic superpowered children and no adult supervision.

You whistle the tune to a merry troll sea chantey while you wait. The bird inches closer to you. You give it a sideways glance, prop the pole in a specially place notch, reach into your bag of spoils, and quickly pull out a CONICAL-BORE TRANSPOSER and blow into it. This unexpected silly act scares the scavanger and you arf like a Sea Sabrecat pup as it flies off. You're laughing your excrement chute off when notice that something pulling on your line. You've got a bite!

You grab the pole and begin reeling it in. This so exciting, your very first catch! You may not even eat this fish, you could stuff and mount it over the fireplace. Oh, you need to make a fireplace to mount this over! Beechie is going to be so proud!

>Land that sucker.

You're trying but it is putting up a real fight. Must be at least an 85 pounder! Almost got it... yes! The sucker comes flying out of the water!

Huh, that was a lot of fight coming from such a small fish. Oh wait, there's the problem. There was a sharky girl holding onto the fish. Oh wait! It's a seatroll, those royal gill-heads are always givng you a hard time.

The girl let go of fish and dropped back into briney deep. You pull the fish and hold it up to admire it. Not very big, but it sure it colorful. You then hear a voice saying that you should give them back their prey. You look over the side of your boat and see the troll girl's head poking of the water, giving you a rather cross look. You return the look and ask what prey? She points to the fish. You correct her, saying that this fish is your catch not her prey. She says that she had already grabbed it before you started reeling it in. You say that she let go of it and that makes the fish yours.

And the argument goes on like that for a while before the girl suggests that you can keep the fish if you can catch some more for her in place of it.

>How many fish?

40.

>40 Fish?!

Yeah, that's as many four thirteens! Or something close to that. And that's OUTRAGEOUS!

You tell her that you're not going to catch forty more fish and then just hand them over to her. She says you can just give her that one then. You start to see green. You've clearly had enough. You bite the fish's head off, throw it at her, and then hurl a few insults as well. Because trolls can be jerks sometimes.

She then punches a hole in your boat just below the water-line and sea water starts flow into your boat like a steady stream of holiday guests. I don't think she's the hoity-hoity royal you made her out to be.

>Oh shit, You're sinking! Abscond!

You're a good swimmer but there's no way you have a chance of winning an underwater strife with a seatroll. You take the oars and row away like some kind of maritime-themed boyskylark. You keep rowing until you're sure that you lost her. She then rams the boat a few times, making more small holes in the hull and creating more leaks. If only you had some sort of watertight, vertical cylinder with an open top and a flat bottom that you could use to bail out the water. It's a shame you're not a pervert, because it would've really helped right now.

Fortunately, you see spot of water up ahead that might turn the tide of this strife. Let's hope that current's stronger than her legs. You manage to make to the spot in question.

A few moments pass without any ramming. You look over the side like an idiot in a killer fish monster movie, but instead of recieving a face full of bitey death you make out the shape of the sharky girl being buffeted by the current. Now begins the counter-attack.

> Aggreive.

You brandish your pole-and-line and cast it down into the drink, where the currents do rest of the work for you. The line is carried through the current and tangled around seatroll's leg. You reel'er in with all your not-so-salty might. She's hoisted into the air and you swing her in an arc right into the bottom of the cockpit.

>Abuse.

Looks like you're not so tough when you're dragged out of the ocean like a flopping codfish!

She cuts the line with her claws and lunges at you snarling. I really don't think she's the hoity-toity royal you made her out to be. She barely misses your head, cutting ever so slightly just above the eyes. You draw backwards as she swings wildly. She fights like a wild animal. You have never been so glad to have Beechie as a lusus.

You yank out some line and ready yourself. She swipes but you abjure and entangle the line around her arm. She takes a swing with other arm and it becomes ensnared as well. You parry her bite-lunge and further entangle her in the line. Sharkgirl reels around with her teeth bared, but you simply rock the boat. She's thrown off balance and falls over.

>Aggress

Put a hole in my boat? That's a paddlin'.

~Troll Joshua Norton, First Emperor of Trollmerica.

Suddenly, the portion of boat behind you erupts in spray of splintered wood and sea water. You turn your head and are met with the largest pair of teeth you have ever seen not belonging to Beechie.

Speak of the devil-doctor-dinosaur-fish, your lusus makes a big damn hero entrance and tackles into the great big shark. The girl's lusus is pulled out from the boat and both sea monster sinks down into the deep to engage in giant sized underwater strife.

>This is getting stupid.

Yeah it is. And you're so distracted by the sudden appearence by the lusii that you don't notice your oppenent bite through her bindings. Well, you do take notice after she slashes your back. You drop the oar and stumble forward and fall onto your now soggy bag of spoils. The psycho will be on you in half a second. You reach into your bag and grab something with a pointy end. You turn over and prepare to strike the crazy shark girl down, but you find that she has stopped in her tracks.

You follow the gaze of your would be slayer and see that she is staring at the shiny crystal you're wielding. You move your hand around and her eyes remained transfixed on the rock. I guess she like these things or something.

>Surrender and give the crystal as a peace offering.

You chuck the thing into the ocean and hope that she'll go after it. Thankfully, she does. You cannot believe that worked.

Beechie and the girl's lusus, still locked in combat, resurface next to the sinking ship. You grab your oar and perform a sealeg leap onto the top of the shark's head. You smack it on the nose and then leap over to your lusus. The shark's disoriented, so you tug on Beechie's ears to let him know you need to get the hell out of here. Beechie abides and you make your swift escape. You look back just once at your sinking boat and all the things you left on board.

You wonder what you're going to have to trade Sharl for a new HUSKTOP and boat.

A little later, we find you and Beechie hauled up in cave on a small island. You bandage up yourself and your lusus using some weed you gatered up. Your okay for the most part, but Beechie's flipper looks really banged up. The sun will be up soon, so'll you'll have rest here. You make a pile of seaweed to sleep in and flop down into it.

This night started off so well. If only you hadn't blown up at that sharky girl, things would never escalated the way they did. You'd still have a boat and husktop, Beechie wouldn't have hurt his flipper. You wonder if he's mad at you.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the loud thump of your Sea Jaguaren laying down next to you. You stare at him and he stares back. Then he licks you. You lay your head down and close your eyes.

>Initiate scene transition.

You are now UN-UN-Future Caoway, who is massaging an old scar on his back. It always tingles when you're about to be hit by a really big storm and it always stirs up memories that you'd rather not remember. You stare at the screen of your Manannan Mac Husktop and sigh. No point in putting this off any longer.

melancholicChumly [MC] started trolling absentPsychologist [AP]

MC: Ahoy.
MC: TurnS\ out I value my lonG\evity over my comfort.
MC: Oh, an/) S\orry for not contactinG\ you for half a S\weep I G\ueS\S\?
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else

You are now someone else.

>Someone else: Bleat like a mother grub and piss on your bed.

You are a high-class member of society and more importantly, not plot-relevant in any way, so you would never do something as undignified as that!

>Ugh, fine. Be someone less boring.

You are now Zebrek.

>Oh God not this asshole, be Scal-

Zebrek will not let you be someone else right now, so just shut up and take it.

>YOU CAN'T TELL US WHAT TO DO! WE WANT TO B-

BANG!

No backtalk under his roof either.

>Yes sir.

Anyway, Zebrek is kinda busy right now so he's decided to be future Zebrek.

>Be future Zebrek.

You are now future Zebrek.

You were just about to open a memo for your past and future selves to discuss important matters.

>Open memo.

CSH RIGHT NOW opened memo on board MAGICAL AWESOME FAIRY CANDYLAND

CSH: heeeeeeyyyyy me
CSH: mes
CSH: whatever
FUTURE spectacularHellion [FSH1] 16:21 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FSH1: hey me
FUTURE spectacularHellion [FSH2] 67:43 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FSH2: hey mes
PAST spectacularHellion [PSH1] 305:46 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PSH1: hey mes
FUTURE spectacularHellion [FSH3] 11:57 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FSH3: hey mes
PAST spectacularHellion [PSH2] 103:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PSH2: hey mes
PAST spectacularHellion [PSH3] 24:02 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PSH3: hey mes
PSH1: whats up in the future are we havin fun
FSH1: yes we are
FSH3: and thats all that needs to be said on the matter
CSH: so hey i just wanted to tell you past mes to watch out for scalis and keep an eye on twinkleberry and especially dont open any unmarked packages
CSH: then you dont have to go through what i did
PSH3: why what happened
CSH: twinkleberry died
PSH1: what!!!!!
PSH2: oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
FSH2: i know
PSH3: but
PSH3: but
PSH3: but
PSH3: but
PSH3: but he cant die!!!
CSH: im sorry
PSH2: how!!!!!
FSH1: it
FSH1: kinda like
FSH1: just dont open any packages okay
FSH3: were telling you so you can stop it from happening
PSH2: okay well do it! well save twinkleberry!
FSH2: oh
FSH2: i'm supposed to tell all you past mes some good news
CSH: well what is it!
FSH2: play with the imps you wont regret it like last time we had this big pretend war with the toys and one of them broke through my left flank and im like nuh uh blam blam and pushed them back and then they started fighting each other it was awesome
PSH2: dude that is so cool was it awesomer than the time we pretended to be nocturnal wingedrat vigilanter
FSH3: yes it was it was the best time
FSH1: sooooooo coooooooooooool
PSH1: so this game were going to play is going to be fun right
FSH3: yeah totally the best
PSH3: what game
CSH: this game were going to play with our buddies you know youll get there
FSH2: we rock at this game so hard were the best
CSH: well if thats all we have to say then i guess were done bye mes
FSH1: bye mes
[FSH1] ceased responding to memo.
FSH2: bye mes
[FSH2] ceased responding to memo.
PSH1: bye mes
[PSH1] ceased responding to memo.
FSH3: bye mes
[FSH3] ceased responding to memo.
PSH2: bye mes
[PSH2] ceased responding to memo.
PSH3: bye me
[PSH3] ceased responding to memo.
[CSH] closed the memo

>AUGH OH GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE BE PAST ZEBREK AGAIN

You are now past Zebrek again, slightly less busy. You were just about to respond to your buddy Tergum

>DO IT DO IT

SH: hey dude whats up im fine
SH: hows your lets play pokegrub thing going did you finish yet did you catch them all are you still pining for troll joey man i know you really like him but its like unhealthy or something to have redrom feelings for a fictional character i mean i really like my toys but you wont see me going to the imperial drone with one of them you know
SH: oh hey have you played the new pokegrub game yet man i am its pretty cool theres like 200 new pokegrubs or something ive caught a bunch and it has a lot of neat new stuff like triple battles man so sweet so dude did you get yours yet
SH: oh and have you gotten sgrub yet
AH:In []rder:
AH:I'^^ re|_ative|_y fine. []ther than having to ta|_k t[] y[]ur s[]rry ass.
AH:Shut up, it'|_|_ be updated when it's updated, n[] it's not finished, yes i have [aught them a|_|_. A|_|_ []f the^^. I d[]n't have red fee|_ings f[]r Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey, []r anything e|_se f[]r that ^^atter, fu[k y[]u and fu[k y[]ur t[]ys.
AH: Yes, I've p|_ayed it. It's n[]t entire|_y shitty.
AH: What the fu[k is sgrub.
AH: P|_ease phrase y[]ur answer in the f[]r^^ []f a questi[]n.
SH: dude my toys are awesome fuck you back and i know you dont have red feelings for troll joey but you have black feelings and thats not good man you really should try to find someone else to have a kismesis with
SH: did you catch all the rare pokegrubs man troll-oh was really difficult to catch how did you do it
SH: i dunno about sgrub its the game were supposed to be playing i think if you wanna know more maybe you should ask ta or one of them?
AH: But y[]u just said that I had red fee|_ings f[]r hi^^.
AH: And n[]w y[]u’re saying I’^^ trying to have a kis^^esis with hi^^?
AH: Zeb, I have a kis^^esis with the entire universe.
AH: That in[|_udes fi[ti[]na|_ [hara[ters.
AH: That in[|_udes y[]u, f[]r that ^^atter.
AH: S[] yeah, feel free t[] kiss ^^y b[]ne bu|_ge.
AH: Besides, the |_ess I have t[] ta|_k to TA, the better. {:/
SH: huh did i well maybe you have both
SH: like i think its pretty likely though maybe you should talk to leraje about it he knows about these things ill tell him to give you some advice
SH: tas not so bad i think like hes pretty loud and kind of a jerk i guess but isnt everyone

>CAN WE PLEASE BE SOMEONE THAT DOESNT MAKE US WANT TO POKE OUR EYES OUT
- Dracorion, 3 years ago
• >CAN WE PLEASE BE SOMEONE THAT DOESNT MAKE US WANT TO POKE OUR EYES OUT???

That depends. What do you think of Leraje?

>Bearable.

You are Leraje.

You are staring down your husktop, a half empty bottle of faygo on the ground nearby, and a deep desire in your heart that can only be quenched by your personal addiction.

>Meddle.

And so you...wait you're being trolled. This is odd, you're normally the one to do this. You wonder who it is.

>Get trolled by Caoway

melancholicChumly [MC] started trolling absentPsychologist [AP]

MC: Ahoy.
MC: TurnS\ out I value my lonG\evity over my comfort.
MC: Oh, an/) S\orry for not contactinG\ you for half a S\weep I G\ueS\S\?
AP: We all...need. A haitus. Every, once in a...while. Your, droning on. About. Romance of a different, style. Did get. Maddening. After a bit.
AP: But why end it, now?
MC: Yeah, it waS\ S\o obnoxiouS\ the way I'/) /juS\t contact you out of the blue an/) talk an/) me/)/)le an/) pro/).
MC: Oh wait, that waS\ you.
MC: But enouG\h about your me/)/)linG\ an/) inability to un/)erS\tan/) true romance.
MC: Can I aS\S\ume you alrea/)y know about the G\ame /)erpah has put toG\ether?
AP: Ah yes, the idiot.
AP: Indeed, I have.
AP: Can I extrapolate...that. He has, given. You a copy. And you, knowing. My skill. Are, about to. Ask for my assistance?
MC: Yes, an/) /)on't aS\k me why he /)eci/)e/) to put a FLARP hatinG\ S\ocial recluS\e in charG\ of /)iS\tributinG| it.
AP: I reiterate. Idiot.
MC: S\o can I count you on boar/)?
AP: Of course! How, could I. Pass up, a chance to. Meddle in your. Affairs again?
AP: The game. Is on. Once more. Adventurer.
MC: G\reat.
MC: Now S\ince I'm S\ort of new to the whole
MC: FLARPy swinG\ weapon S\tat-bat thinG\
MC: I nee/) your a/)vice on who to recruite.
MC: Will there be fiG\htinG\? Will we nee/) a muS\ician?
MC: That S\ort of thinG\.
AP: There will, almost. Certainly be. Fighting.
MC: G\oo/), I waS\ a little worrie/) I'/) have to go 600 hourS\ without punchinG\ somethinG\.
MC: Then aG\ain, I /)o remember me mentioninG\ S\trifeS\...
MC: G\ueS\S\ I waS\ worrie/) for nothinG\.
AP: Less, than. Nothing. No proper, troll entertainment...today is complete. Without mindless. Violence.
AP: So a base of. Fighters is. A good idea. We could also. Use some wit. I recommend. Sharl.
AP: He's one crafty fellow.
MC: Crafty iS\ riG\ht. S\on of a G\rub S\ol/) me a S\ho/)/)y taxi/)ermy book.
MC: Twice.
AP: ...he may be craftier than I thought.
AP: We may, also need. A healer sort. Gorrma is a good, filler for that. Spot. Also good in a...scrap.
AP: And I want. Zeb on our team.
MC: FLARP NO.
AP: Why the glub not?
MC: That moron'S\ a fliG\ht riS\k.
MC: We'll be un/)er attack by
MC: I /)on't know, a fuckinG\ flyinG\ Spi/)er an/) he'll /juS\t be S\tarinG\ off in the opposite /)irection
MC: LookinG\ at the pretty /)ouble rainbow while we all /)ie.
MC: AlS\o, G\lub?
AP: ...a friend. Rubbing off on me.
AP: But Zeb has, untapped. Potential, that can only. Be unleashed...by conflict.
AP: And, if he isn't. On our team...I might not be.
MC: ArrrrrG\h, okay I miG\ht think about maybe conS\i/)ering him.
AP: Good. In response, I know. Some powerful. Muscle...that could. Prove well to us.
AP: Note, get Piron.
MC: Who iS\ Piron?
AP: Oh yeah, you weren't there. When I pushed...her in.
AP: Sharky troll keen to kicking my ass.
MC: S\harky?
MC: Wait, /)oeS\ S\he have a muS\clebeaS\t tail, clawS\, an/) a luS\uS\ the S\ize of a whale?
AP: Close, but smaller. Lusus.
MC: S\eeme/) biG\G\er at the time...
AP: Maybe, it is big. But she will. Ruin someone's, day in a...strife.
MC: Okay, now I /)efinitely think I know her.
AP: Good, get her. She will do well.
MC: Yeah but I'm not S\ure S\he'/) want to be on the S\ame team aS\ me.
MC: When I met her, I waS\ kin/) of a /jerk and we ha/) a S\trife.
AP: Sounds. Like. You.
AP: Still, just try. If all else. Fails, I'll do it.
MC: ThiS\ iS\ G\oinG\ to be huG\e pain.
MC: I'll probably S\ave her for laS\t then.
MC: Oh, I S\houl/) recruit TerG\um aS\ well.
AP: That...may, not go well.
MC: But he haS\ S\o much /)irectionleS\S\ hate an/) rage.
MC: We /juS\t nee/) to S\teer him.
AP: He doesn't. Like me. Kinda like Glissa. But she is...worse.
AP: If you can, convince him. I'm all. For it though.
MC: Okay, you, me, S\harl, G\orrma, Piron, Tergum, and Zeb (pen/)inG\)
AP: Also. Going to invite...a secret. Weapon.
MC: CominG\ from you, that makeS\ me unneaS\y.
MC: But that /)oeS\ make eiG\ht playerS\.
MC: I'll G\o an/) G\et everybo/)y on boar/).
MC: Then I'll
MC: G\ive me a minute.
MC: ThiS\ G\ui/)e iS\ the moS\t infuriatinG\ thinG\ I've ever rea/).
MC: It outriG\ht tol/) me to lock my lipS\ with it'S\ poop/)eck.
AP: Don't trust. Guides yet. The game is new...the guides will be. Shit.
MC: Yeah, but it /)i/) S\ay they we have to S\et up a chain of clientS\ an/) S\erverS\.
MC: S\erverS\ are apparently in control of the client'S\ enviroment.
MC: They manipulate it an/) help G\et the client into
MC: S\omethinG\ calle/) an incipiS\phere?
AP: Don't get...too ahead. Of yourself. We don't, know. How much. Of this shit is. Game Jargon. It'll make, more sense. Later.
MC: It S\eemS\ like that function iS\ our ticket off thiS\ /)oome/) rock.
AP: Doomed?
MC: /)erpah /)i/)n't tell you?
MC: He waS\ G\oinG\ over the G\ame co/)e or whatever the /jarG\on for that iS\.
MC: S\omething in it in/)icate/) that the planet iS\ G\oinG\ to be /)eS\troye/).
AP: ...then why. Play?
MC: Well, it's G\oinG\ to happen whether or not we play.
MC: TakinG\ part iS\ the only chance we have to S\urvive.
AP: Dammit. I knew that...idiot. Would be, the one. To doom us all.
MC: Actually he may have /juS\t S\ave/) uS\.
MC: It'S\ not like he S\ummone/) S\ome S\tupi/) S\pace rockS\ to kill uS\.
MC: I mean, who /)oeS\ that?
AP: It. Sounds like...his brand of. Idiocy.
AP: But if, you say. So.
MC: Okay, beS\t G\et your affairS\ in order then.
MC: I'll contact everyone an/) then S\et up a memo to /)eci/)e what order we do thiS\ in.
MC: But firS\T, I'm G\oinG\ to G\o G\et my boat.
MC: I hope there'S\ oceanS\ where we're G\oinG\.
AP: Not. Much. Choice. Now.
MC: Here'S\ the G\ame an/) the G\ui/)e.
melancholicChumly sent absentPsycologist file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and "Not_dying_in_sgrub_for_assholes_v.0.01.ttxt".
AP: Will get to. Installing...
AP: Bye._.
MC: No, belay that!
MC: I'm not quite rea/)y on thiS\ en/).
MC: Oh S\hit, there'S another curse/) craS\h noiS\e.
MC: I thouG\ht I waS\ /)one with that.
AP: What. More...could you. Need?
MC: I S\till haven't cut up the lor/)whale half I /jettiS\one/) onto my front lawn.
AP: More of. This ocean life...reaper. Nonsense.
MC: No, weir/) time S\hit.
MC: Apparently we're about to be hit by a perfect S\torm of S\imiliar occuranceS\.
AP: ...okay explain. No typing quirk. What do you mean by weird time shit?
MC: It iS\n't that important.
MC: BeS\i/)eS\, I'm pretty S\ure you'll fin/) out firS\t han/) when I S\tart the memo.
AP: We are all fucking doomed.
AP: Anything else?
MC: Oh yeah.
MC: If you ever hear S\omething like two metal containerS\ beinG\ clanG\e/) toG\ether.
MC: AbS\con/) or S\omethinG\.
AP: Wut.
MC: I'm /juS\t paS\S\inG\ on a meS\S\aG\e.
AP: Alright. I'm off.
AP: Bye._.
MC: AlriG\ht, talk to you in a bit.

melancholicChumly [MC] stopped trolling absentPsychologist [AP]

Well this just got a lot less fun. You're going to need some time to contemplate this. It was just a game before, but shit most definitely just got real.

>Be someone else.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else.

You are now BURGUN!

Right now you're looking up FLARP manuals online, just to make sure you haven't forgotten the errata, and that nothing's changed too drastically since the sweeps in which you've last played.

>Never pegged you for the scholarly type. Do something less boring.

Less boring? Well, you suppose you could instead be kicking the tar out of snarky narrators who don't know when to keep their mouths shut! Would that be more in keeping with "not a scholarly type"?

>...why don't you talk to a friend?

Good idea! In fact, you've wanted to check up on your matesprit about something anyway.

>Okay, do that, then.

brutalTrifecta [BT] started trolling harmoniousStitch [HS]
BT: heeey, neeetheee!!!
HS: Burgun=Good-to-hear-from-you=how-have-you-been=
BT: supeeer.
BT: heeey, did you geeet a VISIT from theee COMMISSIONEEER yeeet?
HS: Yep=
HS: I=ll-be-making-uniforms=armor=and-so-on-after-we-deploy=
BT: greeeat!!! i was afraid theeey'd try to geeet you to FIGHT.
HS: You-and-I-both-know-you=d-secretly-like-it-if-I-were=
HS: Battling-threats-to-the-Empire-side-by-side-with-your-matesprit=
BT: heeeheee. maybeee a littleee.
BT: but i'd sooneeer look out for YOUR beeest inteeereeests,
BT: and i know you don't much careee for COMBAT.
HS: I-do-appreciate-the-concern=
HS: How-are-things-on-your-end=
HS: Keeping-busy=
BT: i will beee!!!
BT: i just finished talking with someeeoneee, actually.
BT: a youngeeer troll who's got a...
BT: eeer, SPARRING CIRCLEEE seeet up.
BT: theeey'veee agreeed to leeet meee join in till i heeead off for theee military.
BT: so long as i giveee them someee POINTERS whileee i'm theeereee!!!
HS: Burgun=
BT: what?
HS: What-kind-of===sparring-circle=
BT: i'm not planning on doing anything reeeckleeess!!!
HS: I-didn=t-say-you-were=
HS: Though-now-that-you-mention-it=
HS: What-are-you-up-to=
BT: i promiseee, it's PEEERFEEECTLY SAFEEE!!!
HS: Really=
BT: yeees!!! all aboveee board and safeee as trollkind can afford.
HS: Well=
BT: for meee, anyway.
HS: Burgun=
BT: i meeean, THEEEY might be in for a rideee, but i doubt anything theeey can throw at meee will do moreee than keeep meee busy
BT: don't worry, neeetheee. i'll beee fineee.
HS: You=re-impossible=
BT: <3!!!
brutalTrifecta [BT] ceased trolling harmoniousStitch [HS]

That's Neethe for you. Sometimes it seems she can't decide whether she wants to be flushed or pale for you. Not that you mind. It's a lot better than blackrom!

>Oh god, troll romance. I'm outta here.
- Loyal, 3 years ago
• >Oh god, troll romance. I'm outta here.

You succeed at being outta there. You are now in Gorrma's hive.

>....why do I even bother trying to do ANYTHING anymore?

You are GORRMA, and you are very busy! There is much cooking and eating! BALLAA'S CAKE is cooling on the stove top. Several variations of PASTA SALAD are in bowls around you. A plethora of HAND-WRITTEN NOTES are scattered around the KITCHENBLOCK, each one detailing a recipe up for consideration in your new GIFT RECIPE BOOK for Aldurin.

There is also a half-eaten SANDWICH OF UNCERTAIN ORIGIN on the table next to you. It's pretty tasty.

NOMMINGTON is sleeping on the rug by the oven. Awwww. He's adorable when he's sleeping. You really can't imagine living without your trusty LUSUS by your side. It's a good thing you won't be shipped off the planet for another six sweeps or so. You still have plenty of time to spend with him. Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong with this plan.

What will you do?

>Pet Nommington.

You pat Nommington on the head. He is soft and cuddly and made of goat. Hard to imagine him tearing through walls and brutally slaughtering wildlife with his fangs of death when you see him sleeping like this.

>Respond to Troll.

Right-o!

Oh, look, it's Piron, your secret seafood supplier! You've gotten all sorts of rare and difficult-to-catch sea lifeforms from her, allowing you to create new and exotic dishes that other land-dwellers have never even heard of. Other Junior Gourmancers would be green with envy, if you actually knew any other Junior Gourmancers.

--StalkerSahagin [SS] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --

SS: Gorrma
SS: I have some silverfish for you.
OO: really??? aweshome! ]:-O
OO: jusht what i needed!
OO: i have the besht recipe that i've been wanting to try.
OO: i can trade you for some of thoshe cryshtal thingsh you collect!
OO: i found a couple a while back. they aren't very tashty.
OO: sho you can have them.
SS: Crystals usually arn't.
SS: Salt and sugar ones are though.
SS: Thank you very much.
SS: How are the recipes?
OO: oh, they're all turning out great!
OO: i mean, there are a couple that i didn't have enough ingredientsh for
OO: but they turned out even more exciting that way!
OO: well, except for the one where i shubshtituted broken glassh for chopped almondsh.
OO: that one didn't go sho well. i'm pretty sure the internal injuriesh are healing, though!
SS: I imagine not.
SS: Though why use glass?
OO: why not?
OO: i thought it might add to the texture.
OO: and it did!!
OO: it would have been pretty good if not for that one really sharp bit.
OO: and i'm shtill picking glassh shards out of my bracesh.
OO: anyway, i'll go find that cryshtal i've been keeping!
OO: i'll trade you for the shilverfish! maybe i can get my new recipe done
OO: before the SHGRUB game shtartsh tonight! i'll shend you shome to try
OO: if you want, when it'sh done!
SS: Well, I haven't heard anything about it.
OO: hmmm.... i hope they haven't un-invited me.
OO: lasht time people ashked me to flarp with them i got kicked out early
OO: all becaushe i tried to eat this guy'sh shtrife shbecibush
OO: jusht before he went to go fight the final bossh.
OO: he got real mad and had me booted out of the shession.
OO: total.
OO: overreaction.
OO: sho i hope the guysh in charge of the shgrub game haven't heard about
OO: that incident and decided not to invite me after all. ]:-(
OO: it wash a one-time mishtake!!
SS: What's flarp?
OO: ]:-O
OO: you haven't played before??
OO: it'sh lotsh of fun! you pick a classh and then beat up monshters
OO: and level up and find treashuresh and run the rishk of dying...
OO: it'sh aweshome!
OO: you should totally come play with ush shometime.
OO: i mean, i know that fighting for fun rather than for food ishn't really your thing,
OO: but you should give it a try!
OO: we're gonna be playing a new game called shgrub later on--
OO: i don't know if you've met aldurin derpah, but i think he'sh in charge of running it.
OO: i think he'sh picking team captainsh too, though i don't really know who thoshe are yet.
OO: at any rate, if i find out, i'll put in a good word for you!
SS: Glissa mentioned it before.
OO: oh cool! maybe she'sh in charge?
OO: if sho, i hope that meansh you're invited too!
OO: i think you'd enjoy flarping.
OO: well, i gotta get going. i think i hear the magma shpidersh trying to
OO: eshcape the confines of the oven. again. ]>:-\
OO: i really gotta get myshelf a new one. maybe sharl hash one i can buy.
OO: anyway, i'll go find thoshe cryshtalsh for you!
OO: i know they're here shomewhere.
OO: shee you shoon!
---omnipotentOmnivore [OO] stopped trolling StalkerSagahin [SS]---
SS: Ok.

Oh wow. Now you had to go track down that silverfish recipe you'd been wanting to try. AND you had to remember you hid that crystal. The one you DIDN'T try to eat.

.....Hopefully there was one you didn't try to eat. You're pretty certain there was, but sometimes it's hard for you to remember. You've eaten so many things during your short lifespan that they all sort of blend together in your memories sometimes.

Well, that memory problem is either due to the fact that you've eaten more things than you can keep track of, or the fact that you've eaten more things that are liable to give you brain damage than you can keep track of.

Oh well! Time for another item-hunting adventure!

>Be someone else for a while, PLEASE.
- Mauve Mage, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else for a while, PLEASE.

"Nurse, SCALPEL."

>Wait, what?

A dishelved looking troll stands diligently over an OPERATING TABLE, bright green blood scattered all about. Seemingly from nowhere, a white VULTURE wearing a nurse's hat extends a talon with a scalpel. He proceeds make several incisions. It appears a large amount of shrapnel has made its way into the patient's gut.

A jury-rigged heap of scrap metal with some wiring on a table to the left is also connected the bleeding troll. A string of beeps that were being emitted from it suddenly go flat.

"We're losing him! Get the defibrillator stat!"

>What is this I don't even

The avian nurse brings over two small devices. The young Alternian barely gives warning as he brings them down onto the victim's chest, letting out a strong electrical charge. The device shows the heart rate pick up. The young troll struggles and tries to lift himself off the table, but the doctor forces him down, injecting him with the contents of a syringe. At this point he ceases fighting and collapses back onto the colorful operating table.

"DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!"

>I don't understand what I'm seeing here

We skip ahead about an hour into the operation. It appears that the case was a complete failure. The slipshod surgeon is brooding off to the side, fighting back the lime colored tears of his failure, and his scavenger assistant is dragging the corpse off to elsewhere to do Jegus knows what.

>Seriously, who is this douche-bag

ALAN PROBE

Hey, hey, guess what?

WRONG.

Thats the opposite of correct. Try again.

NASRYL VAROLA

You are NASRYL VAROLA, and you have one interest. SAVING LIVES. You have dedicated yourself to assisting the people of Alternia by pursuing the practices of surgery and medicine. You are okay sort of at this. You can assure people that more than half of your patients are alive when they leave the door. From your hive you run a MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL where you aid injured EXPLORERS, FLARPERS, or any average Joe who gets themselves into a bind. No questions asked. Supplies are hard to come by, but you have managed to get things running through a variety of contacts and creativity.

When the time comes for you to join the military in the fight for ALTERNIAN GLORY, you plan to enter the ranks of the GREEN TRICROSS. The members of the GREEN TRICROSS offer relief and first aid to the other members of the vast troll military. Its doctors and scientist are also experts of BIOLOGICAL WARFARE, and they employ a large reservoir of viruses, bacterium, and nerve agents in there battles against the planet's foes. You work on a much smaller budget, but you still have managed to round up a collection of viruses and other pathogens from the many treatments you provide. These are all kept in a cheap lab located in the cellar of your HIVE. You and your lusus tout a powerful IMMUNE SYSTEM, so you are at little to no risk when dealing with these diseases.

These are all things that you would use to introduce yourself if you weren't busy dealing with the loss of your most recent patient.

>Let him brood. Go find someone more comprehensible.
- Bard The 5th LW, 3 years ago
• >Let him brood. Go find someone more comprehensible.

You are far too busy being Tergum to be comprehensible.

==>Tergum: Troll Hours in the future (but only two)

You're having trouble remembering the last time you were this angry. You swear to jegus, you're about to do an acrofuckingbatic maneuver off the metaphorical handle.

==>Seethe.

Your friends suck bulge like a cheap Sexecutioner.

==>Elaborate.

Fuck that noise. You'd rather not think about it.

You are now Tergum in the distant past of an hour and a half ago. You have just finished watching the most recent episode of Pokegrub with your lusus, and the bonding experience has left you feeling relatively elated. You are certain that nothing in the immediate future will ruin that.

Shit. Your GRUPTOP is beeping; you're being pestered.

meloncholicChumly [MC] started trolling antipathicHopper
MC: TerG\um.
MC: Hey TerG\um!
MC: Come with me an/) you will S\ee a place calle/) KiS\meS\iS\ IS\le!
AH: Wh[] need Kis^^esis Is|_e? It's safer at the d[][ks.
AH: But seri[]us|_y, [a[]way, are y[]u pr[]p[]siti[]ning ^^e?
AH: We b[]th kn[]w that ain't g[]ing d[]wn. After a|_|_, I have a perfe[t|_y good b|_a[kr[]m/
AH: With the entire universe.
AH: Whi[h ^^eans that Y[]U are s^^a|_|_ti^^e.
MC: /juS\t tryinG\ to G\et your attention.
MC: An/) now that I have it,
MC: How woul/) you like to /join my team?
AH: That depends. Wh[]'s []n it s[] far?
MC: MyS\elf an/) Lera/je for S\tarterS\.
MC: I'm conS\i/)erinG\ G\orrma an/) thiS\ one feral fiS\h-G\irl.
AH: H^^. I'|_|_ be h[]nest, G[]rr^^a s[]rt []f s[ares ^^e.
AH: It's just the way she dr[][]|_s when she |_[][]ks at Strize.
AH: Freaks ^^e []ut.
AH: Besides, |_eraje and I d[]n't rea|_|_y get a|_[]ng...
MC: I'm not too fon/) of hiS\ viewS\ on romance either.
MC: But /)ealinG\ with hiS\ conS\tant me/)/)linG\ iS\ better than the alternative.
AH: Fair en[]ugh. I'|_|_ think ab[]ut it.
MC: Okay, I'll G\et back to you in a little while.
MC: I S\till have to /)eal with an irrate royal an/) a lor/)whale butt.
AH: G[][]d |_u[k with that.
melancholicChumly [MC] stopped trolling antipathicHopper [AH]
melancholicChumly [MC] started trolling antipathicHopper [AH]
MC: Oh, an/) if you can fin/) the time, coul/) you pleaS\e check out my /journal exerpt on the TTOTHA boar/).
MC: I'm in /)eS\erate nee/) of S\ome conS\tructive criticiS\m.
melancholicChumly [MC] stopped trolling antipathicHopper [AH]

Well, that wasn't nearly as horrible as it could have been. You check your conversation with Zebrek and...

Shit.

Mother of fuck.

That pail-drinker decided to tell Leraje about your non-existent hate crush on Troll Joey. You suppose it could be worse; that meddling idiot could be trolling you right now.

==>Tergum's Grubtop: Beep.

Oh no. Speak of the dumbass...

absentPsychologist[AP] started trolling antipathicHopper[AH]
AP: I want. To talk...to you about. Your, unhealthy. Attraction. To a fictional, character.
AH: []h f[]r fu[k's sake...
AH: I d[]n't [are what Zebrek t[]|_d y[]u.
AH: I a^^ N[]T attra[ted t[] Tr[]|_|_ J[]ey.
AH: []ther than the fa[t that he is part []f the kn[]wn universe, whi[h I have a we|_|_ d[][umented kis^^essitude with.
AP: I want. You to...describe. Troll Joey. For me.
AH: He's ann[]ying.
AH: Ta|_ks t[] ^^e even th[]ugh I want n[]thing t[] d[] with hi^^.
AH:Sp[]uts use|_ess [rap n[] []ne [ares ab[]ut.
AH: [an't see^^ t[] take a hint.
AH: He's a |_[]t |_ike y[]u, in that regard.
AP: Oh dear.
AP: Tergum. I like you...in a way. But, we both know I. Don't hate you. Nor like...you in that. Way.
AP: I know. Saying that...took a lot of, courage. But...I just can't be that. To you.
AP: I'm sorry.
AP: I'll leave. You alone...for this.
absentPsychologist[AP] ceased trolling antipathicHopper[AH[
AH: What.
AH: The.
AH: [[][k.

==>Tergum: what.

http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab330/AsshatLP/Trollslum/Tergumwhat.gif

You cannot believe that just happened. You had no intention of entering a blackrom with that overreaching idiot! Zebrek. Will. Pay.

==> Make him pay.

antipathicHopper [AH] started trolling spectacularHellion [SH]
AH: ZEBREK Y[]U S[]N []F A FU[K.
AH: WHAT ^^ADE Y[]U THINK IT WAS A G[][]D IDEA T[] TE|_|_ |_ERAJE THAT I'^^ IN HATE WITH A FI[TI[]NA|_ [HARA[TER
AH: N[]w he's a|_|_ up in ^^y gri|_|_.
SH: i thought he could help you out you know give you some advice its not good for you
AH: I wi|_|_ pun[h y[]u in the b[]ne bu|_ge.
SH: if punching something makes you feel better id rather you not punch me though that would hurt
AH: Hurting y[]u was s[]rt []f the entire fu[king p[]int.
SH: dude you dont have to get angry leraje and i are just trying to help and you shouldnt try to have a kismesissitude with me i mean youre nice and all but i dont really like you that way sorry
AH: WHAT
AH: WHY D[] PE[]P|_E KEEP
AH:I ^^EAN WHAT THE
AH: N[]T EVEN RE^^[]TE|_Y WHAT I WAS INSINUATING.
SH: ok dude slow down i told you i dont really like you like that sorry but you dont need to insinuate anything to me
SH: you know what im gonna take off give you some time to figure it out dude good luck i hope you work everything out
- spectacularHellion [SH] ceased trolling antipathicHopper [AH] -
AH: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

==>Tergum: Rage.

http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab330/AsshatLP/Trollslum/TergumRAGE2.gif

DONE AND DONE.

==>Tell Caoway where he can shove his team.

antipathicHopper [AH] started trolling melancholicChumly [MC]
AH: Hey. Just sp[]ke with |_eraje.
AH: I'^^ pretty sure that if I'^^ []n the sa^^e tea^^ as hi^^, he WI|_|_ DIE.
AH: That w[]u|_d pr[]bab|_y be [ounterpr[]du[tive.
MC: You G\ot to be fuckinG\ ki/)/)inG\ me.
MC: After all that trouble I went throuG\h to G\et a hol/) of Zeb.
MC: You meS\S\aG\e me an/) tell me thiS\.
MC: I gueS\S\ thiS\ iS\ the point where my /)ay really turnS\ S\our.
AH: He's []n y[]ur tea^^ as we|_|_?
AH: Sweet jegus I'^^ g|_ad I w[]n't be p|_aying with y[]u fu[kers.
MC: Perfect. /juS\t fuckinG\ perfect.
AH: Su[k it up.
MC: You're tellinG\ ME to S\uck it up?
MC: All riG\ht fine. I'll en/)ure thiS\ crock of S\hit I S\eem to have fallen into an/) am now wa/)ing throuG\h.
MC: You're wor/)S\ have fuckinG\ lifte/) my S\piritS\.
MC: I'll not only roun/) up the neceS\S\ary amount of playerS\.
MC: I'll fuckinG\ lea/) them to victory.
AH: Yeah, that's [ute.
AH: B|_uh b|_uh, n[] []ne [ares.
AH: I kn[]w y[]u're fu[king devestated that I w[]n't p|_ay with you, but jegus.
AH: If y[]u're that fu[king desperate t[] spend ti^^e with ^^e, d[]n't bring pe[]p|_e I hate.
MC: You hate everyone!
AH: Exa[tly. Whi[h is why y[]ur []bvi[]us|_y transparent red fee|_ings t[]wards ^^e are unrequieted.
MC: ...
MC: You can't be S\eriouS\.
AH: I just d[]n't pity y[]u. S[]rry.
MC: Hate an/) pity, hate an/) pity.
MC: IS\ that all anybo/)y ever thinkS\ about?
AH: I h[]pe we [an sti|_|_ be hatefriends.
AH: And just s[] y[]u kn[]w, it's n[]t ^^e.
AH: It's y[]u.
MC: You know what, I'm not broken up about you not /joininG\ anymore.
MC: ThiS\ talk haS\ really helpe/).
AH: Have fun with the du^^basses
MC: I will.
antipathicHopper [AH] stopped trolling melancholicChumly [MC]

MC: S\hiver my gog/)amn woo/)en partS\, that guy iS\ S\uch an aS\S\hat.

Well, on one hand, that helped calm you down a little. On the other, you just pissed off one of the few people you can stand to talk to, which just makes you more angry.

==>Be someone less angry.
- Token, 3 years ago
• ==> Be someone less angry

You are now just a psycho.

> Find out more about what's going on with this game.

You would if you could, but so far you have next to no information about that game.

>Troll someone

It appears one of the few trolls you would consider "Not prey" is on. Might as well see what's up with her.

-- StalkerSahagin [SS] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] --

SS: Gorrma
SS: I have some silverfish for you.
OO: really??? aweshome! ]:-O
OO: jusht what i needed!
OO: i have the besht recipe that i've been wanting to try.
OO: i can trade you for some of thoshe cryshtal thingsh you collect!
OO: i found a couple a while back. they aren't very tashty.
OO: sho you can have them.
SS: Crystals usually arn't.
SS: Salt and sugar ones are though.
SS: Thank you very much.
SS: How are the recipes?
OO: oh, they're all turning out great!
OO: i mean, there are a couple that i didn't have enough ingredientsh for
OO: but they turned out even more exciting that way!
OO: well, except for the one where i shubshtituted broken glassh for chopped almondsh.
OO: that one didn't go sho well. i'm pretty sure the internal injuriesh are healing, though!
SS: I imagine not.
SS: Though why use glass?
OO: why not?
OO: i thought it might add to the texture.
OO: and it did!!
OO: it would have been pretty good if not for that one really sharp bit.
OO: and i'm shtill picking glassh shards out of my bracesh.
OO: anyway, i'll go find that cryshtal i've been keeping!
OO: i'll trade you for the shilverfish! maybe i can get my new recipe done
OO: before the SHGRUB game shtartsh tonight! i'll shend you shome to try
OO: if you want, when it'sh done!
SS: Well, I haven't heard anything about it.
OO: hmmm.... i hope they haven't un-invited me.
OO: lasht time people ashked me to flarp with them i got kicked out early
OO: all becaushe i tried to eat this guy'sh shtrife shbecibush
OO: jusht before he went to go fight the final bossh.
OO: he got real mad and had me booted out of the shession.
OO: total.
OO: overreaction.
OO: sho i hope the guysh in charge of the shgrub game haven't heard about
OO: that incident and decided not to invite me after all. ]:-(
OO: it wash a one-time mishtake!!
SS: What's flarp?
OO: ]:-O
OO: you haven't played before??
OO: it'sh lotsh of fun! you pick a classh and then beat up monshters
OO: and level up and find treashuresh and run the rishk of dying...
OO: it'sh aweshome!
OO: you should totally come play with ush shometime.
OO: i mean, i know that fighting for fun rather than for food ishn't really your thing,
OO: but you should give it a try!
OO: we're gonna be playing a new game called shgrub later on--
OO: i don't know if you've met aldurin derpah, but i think he'sh in charge of running it.
OO: i think he'sh picking team captainsh too, though i don't really know who thoshe are yet.
OO: at any rate, if i find out, i'll put in a good word for you!
SS: Glissa mentioned it before.
OO: oh cool! maybe she'sh in charge?
OO: if sho, i hope that meansh you're invited too!
OO: i think you'd enjoy flarping.
OO: well, i gotta get going. i think i hear the magma shpidersh trying to
OO: eshcape the confines of the oven. again. ]>:-\
OO: i really gotta get myshelf a new one. maybe sharl hash one i can buy.
OO: anyway, i'll go find thoshe cryshtalsh for you!
OO: i know they're here shomewhere.
OO: shee you shoon!
---omnipotentOmnivore [OO] stopped trolling StalkerSagahin [SS]---
SS: Ok.

Fine, fine, let's see who's..

You're getting trolled now.

- spectacularHellion [SH] began trolling StalkerSahagin [SS] -
SH: heeeeeyyyyyy piron howve you been catch anything good lately find any good crystals lately wheeeeen can i come over and look at them
SS: Just some silverfish for Gorrma.
SS: She's giving me some crystals for them.
SH: thats nice so can i come over and look at them can i can i i promise not to steal any pleaaaseee
SS: Can you breathe underwater?
SH: ummmmm i dont think so
SH: ooooooooohhhhh right you live underwater
SH: :(
SS: You need an air supplying suit then.
SH: ok ok ill hit aldurin up for one or maybe glissa in the meantime how have you been
SS: Some of the schools have moved on for the season.
SH: schools what schools
SS: Fish.
SH: ooooohh that makes sense hey what do you think about this game were supposed to play have you heard anything
SS: I haven't heard much.
SH: i havent heard much either ive been asking everyone i bet this game will be really cool like cooler than the time twinkleberry dressed up as nocturnal wingedrat vigilante and i was extremely quizzical burglar and i was pulling a caper and wingedrat was like bam and kapow and im like ow you know
SS: Glissa's mentioned it some.
SH: maybe ill ask her nex when i hit her up for an air supplying suit
SS: Ok.

And then the guy just leaves without closing the conversation.

If he didn't have information you would need, he would be potental food for your lucus. But for now, the hunt must be put on hold.

>Do something else.

While waiting, you decide to grab yourself a snack... however, grabbing one fish from your captalouge cards caused the entire school to get loose... now they're swimming all over the place.

> What a mess. Be someone else for a while, and get those things under control!
- Flarecobra, 3 years ago
• >What a mess. Be someone else for while, and get those things under control!

You decide to be Caoway, who has his own things to get under control. You've just finished having this conversation (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1092761&postcount=91) with Leraje when yet another loud crashing noise has caused you to leap from your TUCKUS REST PLATEAU. It sounded like these noises are coming from inside your hive too. Could it be another chronological oddity? Chronoddity? Whatever they're called, you really aren't up to dealing with another one of those things. Maybe you should try to get in touch your future self and tell him to cut this shit out.

But he/you did say that that was only conversation you have with yourself. Does that mean you can't contact him? And if you do, will paradox space implode upon itself? This is pretty confusing. Time really isn't your thing.

Augh, there's another crash and it definitely came from inside the hive. What should you do?

>Caoway: Retreive blank journal from desk.

You stupidly ignore the possible danger within your own hive and move to captchalogue your last blank journal. If future you is to be believed, then there's a new adventure on the horizon. One that you will most likely want to chronicle, to share with any survivors who thirst for tales of true romance.

You captchalogue the blank tome and the AMPHIBIOUS IDOL OF CATACLYSM is shifted onto a cresting FETCHMODUS wave. It's expelled out of the SYLLADEX and rebounds off the wall.

>Caoway: FFFFFFFF-Catchyegrabbit!

You leap to catch it but you fall just short of nabbing the croaker. You watch in horror as the memento from your last expedition slowly falls-

...right into the open jaws of your stuffed splash-hound! Salty catch, Ten! Never before have you been so thankful for the bizarre angle of your head!

BEST TROPHY.

This tender moment of silliness is broken by a crashing noise punctuated with the roar of an ocean big cat-thing.

Beechie!

> Caoway: Go investigate noise.

You jump down the stairs and clear the etc-etc-etcBLOCK in just a few steps and squeeze through entryway to Beechies block. His block is easily the largest in the hive and is furnished with only a small pool of salt water for wading in, a great big pillow filled with SCAVENGER-AVIAN DOWN, a Sea Sabrecat sized waterbowl, and a few fish left over from the pile earlier. And of course, one blind and noseless Sea Jagauren who is flipping the fuck out and ramming into walls-OHSHIT!

Something must've spooked the big guy and now he's trying to bust his way out of the block. You have to stop him or else he could bring the whole hive down on both of you!

>Caoway: Rub his belly like you did earlier.

No way, when he's like this he could accidently flatten you if you get too close. There's only one way to calm him down now: soothing music!

>Caoway: Whip out concertina and churn out a sea chantey.

Come get your duds in order
For we're going to leave tomorrow
Heave away, me jollies, heave away
Come get your duds in order
For we're going to cross the water
Heave away, me jollies, heave away!

Your voice doesn't seem to be calming him down. He suddenly rushes you. You dodge with a sea leg jump and your lusus crashes into the opposite wall. He resumes his head banging on the opposite wall. Cracks are forming! Quick, try something else!

>Caoway: Uh, you wouldn't happen to own a music delivery thing would you?

Yes, you do have a vintage VINYL MUSIC DISK PLAYER! You hastily exit the block and make you way to the device. You take your special mix disk out of the sleeve, pop it in, and crank up the volume. The whole hive is soon filled with the vocal stylings of TROLL DIANA ROSS AND THE TWO WOMEN WHO STAND ABOVE ALL OTHERS IN NOT ONLY THEIR RESPECTIVE MUSICAL GENRE BUT IN ALL OTHER GENRES AS WELL. Normally, your not too fond of songs about relationships but you can't deny the catchiness of these ladies' sweet sound.

It soothes not only your soul but also the savage beast's.

>Caoway: Tend to lusus.

Hey, what's going on matey?

He's calmed down now and is lying on the pillow you made for him. You pet him on the snout.

What set him off? Is there danger? Well, of course there's danger. The world's going to end. Could his keen animal instincts have alerted him to the impending apocalypse? Is that even possible? Too many mysteries. Too many things on your nutrition plateau at the moment. But priority number one right now is getting your team up, running, and out of here before the opposition does and gets you killed as a result.

Well, you don't actually know if it will happen that fast. It occurs to you now that you were never told how much time you have between the game starting and the world ending. You'll have to remember to bug Aldurin about that detail after you've assembled the players.

Irregardless of how soon your impending doom is, you should still get a move on. No need to risk the lives of your lusus, friends, and you.

You are now back in your RESPITEBLOCK. You can still hear the music player blasting out You can't hurry hate from down stairs. You decide to leave it on, in case Beechie gets frightened again. You turn your attention to the idol lodged in Ten's mouth. Its stuck in there pretty good. Rather than risk damaging Ten or the idol, you decide to leave it in his care and position him next to the computer. Now, shall we get down to business?

>Caoway: Take out pipe and have a thoughtful puff.

You fish out a pipe from your SYLLADEX, stick it in your mouth, and begin blowing out some bubbles. This is easily the coolest thing you've done all night.

>Caoway: Continue recruitment.

With the pipe secured in your teeth, you open up the TROLLIAN window on your HUSKTOP and scroll through the trollslum. Uh oh, bathorysIllustrator's icon is blinking. She's taken notice of your activity after a half-sweep long communication blackout and is probably looking to give you a earfull (Or hornfull. You're not sure if you have ears or not) for not reporting back to her with the idol. You should probably put off talking to her for the time being.

>Caoway: Merrily solicit your hateful friend.

You do just that and proceed to have the conversation at the beginning of this post (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1094971&postcount=95). So far so good. Hrm, she's still trying message you. Just avert your eyes, Hemnet. You don't see anything.

>Caoway: Contact the attention deficit one.

melancholicChumly [MC] started trolling spectacularHellion [SH]
MC: Ahoy Zeb.
MC: Zeb?
MC: Zeb are you there?
MC: Zeb.
MC: G\o/)/)ammit Zeb, notice the flaS\hinG\ meS\S\enG\er icon.
MC: Catch the liG\ht cominG\ off the S\creen with you optic orbS\ an/) proceS\S\ thiS\ information with your thinkpan.
MC: Then S\en/) an impulS\e throuG\h your muS\cle twitch puS\ network /)own to your lower back cortex.
MC: S\o that you may lift up your foreG\rabberS\ an/) type S\ome wor/)S\ /)own S\o I know that you're there.
MC: Zeb?
MC: ArrrG\h.
MC: Fuck it, you're not there.
melancholicChumly [MC] stopped trolling spectacularHellion [SH]
He's not answering. You probably don't have time for this nonsense. If Zeb won't answer, you'll just have to line up a replacement for him. This might make Leraje mad but he'll just have to deal with it. The noble-troll's icon still blinks. Maybe you should-

>Caoway: Reply to royal and profusely apologize.

Ignore her and try to contact Gorrma. Hopefully, she hasn't devoured her husktop. That girl has quite an appetite.

As you click on the omnipotentOmnivore icon and begin clacking away at the keyboard, the view pans aways to the whatever-BLOCK on the bottom floor where the music player is now playing Stop in the Name of BLACKROM. It switches over to your lusus, who lays serenely on his cushion, not quite sure as to why he was so worked up earlier. The view then switches to outside your hive, where the stormclouds, which never stopped raging since the you moved in, begin to dissipate.

A single red shooting star streaks across the western sky. In less than three hours, the sky will be filled with many similar bolts of crimson fire.

You won't notice that happening, just like you didn't notice this one, even though you will be outside. You will be too focused on Beechie, who is also outside with you. Beechie will be laying over the foot of the cape, with a large sharp rock impaling him through his chest.

The bi-daily tidal wave was bigger than usual that night.

>Be someone with a less depressing future.
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago
• >Be someone with a less depressing future.

You are Leraje, and as far as you know no one close to you is going to die horribly any time soon. Though you'll only later notice that Seymour had gone missing, you will be far too caught up in your maddening manipulations.

Which began with the contact of the salty Caoway with his odd romantic definitions and had this conversation (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1092761&postcount=91). Which made your whole scene much more desperate. Your suggestions had been much more benign before, of a properly put together team, you were willing to sacrifice a position to him in order for him to have the angry Tergum. It gave you leeway to have the twitchy minded Zeb. Though now that it was the end of the world you would have to tighten the noose on some loose ends.

But how?

>Get inspired by Zeb

- spectacularHellion [SH] began trolling absentPsychologist [AP] -
SH: heeeeey leraje
SH: just thought id tell you maybe you should talk to tergum i think hes been having red feeling or black feelings or both for troll joey and thats not good for him right
AP: You'll. Need to help...me here. Who is troll? Joey?
SH: like this character from pokegrub you know tergum hates him because he things hes annoying but i dont really whenever i play i have all of the pokegrubs now its pretty awesome last time i was fighting troll flushed and hes the toughest and i wiped the floor with him awesome
AP: So not a. Hard game then?
SH: no dude its super hard but i have all of the levels all of them and i caught all the pokegrubs
AP: I wish. I lived closer. To mainland...I mostly. Only get what. People send, to me.
SH: dude thats not right here ill send you the game and we can play together sometime
spectacularHellion sent absentPsychologist the file "Pokegrub_Flushed_Gold.tnds" and "TROLL$GBA.trar" SH: just install them on your husktop and we can play! AP: Sweet. I'll get, started right. Now and get, all my noob...out. SH: youll want to buy lots and lots of grubballs so you can catch them all SH: you can meet troll joey pretty early and you can figure out why tergum hates him so much i dont get it AP: ...Troll Joey is too much like Tergum. SH: what do you mean i dont get it AP: He is...pointlessly rude. AP: He has, an unwarranted. Level of. Self...importance. AP: He is...hateful. Like, nobody really...ought to be. AP: Just. Like. Tergum. SH: oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SH: do you think thats it? AP: Oh yeah. SH: maybe you should tell him that you can explain this romance stuff better than me anyway AP: Maybe. I'll think...about it. SH: i think you should do it its not really good for him you know AP: Bluh. Fine, I'll. Get to it...soon. AP: But first...more pokegrub. SH: okay dude thanks a lot ive gotta go now but have fun well play pokegrub later see you - spectacularHellion [SH] ceased trolling absentPsychologist [AP] - Of course this theory was a trap. Except the pokegrub, you actually was a good gain from this exchange, but you had to make the hate that Tergum had for you get bigger than before. >Manipul8 I'll have none of that spider nonsense. Say it right. >Manipulate. Good. And so you had this conversation (http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1094971&postcount=95). A fairly easy technique, you listen to what someone is saying and you ignore it and use your own statement as a perfect truth. It seemed to get his nommington so if he was right he'd be on his way to Caoway again to pull out. >Check in on machinations. absentPsychologist [AP] started trolling melancholicChumly [MC] AP: Something. Came up...I don't. Think Tergum, is going to want. To be with us...anymore. MC: I know, he /juS\t tol/) me that he'S\ not G\oinG\ to be on our team. MC: What the hell /)i/) you an/) Zeb S\ay to him? AP: Forget it He's an asshat. AP: They key is...who is going to. Replace him? MC: There iS\ no one elS\e. MC: That'S\ kin/) of the whole reaS\on why I'm piS\S\e/). MC: When I coul/)n't get a hol/) of Zeb imme/)iately I S\tarte/) lookinG\ for a replacement for him. MC: I talke/) to everyone. MC: Iropha, S\caliS\' fliG\hty retro-rival, some G\o/)/)amn weir/)o who I think waS\ tryinG\ to G\lare at the S\ceen while he waS\ talkinG\ to me. MC: They all S\ai/) no. AP: Dammit. I can...only think. Of one more. AP: But...I don't want to. Say it. AP: Because she, fucking. Hates me. MC: An/) I know S\he'S\ furiouS\ with me. AP: ...okay. Explain. Why Glissa...is furious. With you. AP: Is it the. Ocean, life reaper. Thing? MC: No, an/) will you S\top brinG\inG\ it up like it'S\ S\ome kin/) of weir/) thinG\! MC: S\ee before I /)roppe/) off the face of Alternia and S\lummed aroun/) in my own S\elf loathinG\, MC: GliS\S\a aS\ke/) me to check out a froG\ temple on the oppoS\ite S\i/)e of the planet from her an/) pick up S\omethinG\ for her muS\eum. MC: I G\ot an i/)ol from there but I forG\ot to G\ive it to her. AP: You'll. Have, to apologize. Then. MC: ... MC: You think /)erpah will be okay with /juS\t S\even playerS\? AP: Dude. What is your deal? AP: Are you afraid? MC: Me? Afrai/)? MC: I fiG\ht /)eep oneS\ on a /)aily fuckinG\ baS\iS\, for S\uS\tenance an/) G\iG\G\leS\! AP: But you can't face Glissa. And apologize. AP: *applause* such bravery. MC: Fuck you. MC: Fine, I'll G\o apoloG\ize an/) lan/) that S\now queen for our team. MC: Happy? AP: Yup. MC: ArrrrrrrG\h. MC: The thinG\S\ I /)o /juS\t to clock another niG\ht. melancholicChumly [MC] stopped trolling absentPsychologist [AP] AP: Heh heh heh heh. AP: Just as planned. It wasn't typically your way to risk showing your hand, but it had gone too perfectly. All the mechanization worked together, Tergum was on the other side, Zeb was on this one, Caoway was on his way to apologize to the royal and she would be near enough to ship. Maybe the salty fellow and the uptight royal could be a good match after this little confession of wrongness. Only time would tell, but you still had some recruiting to do. Bergum and maybe Piron if Caoway had issues. Wheels within wheels. - Overcast, 3 years ago • > Wheels within wheels. You are now Vintag. > ...What. You have retrieved your BIG PLANS and now all that remains is the final and most important component. This will require some outside assistance. Luckily, your ally has agreed not to disclose the details of your performance lest it lose some of its luster. > Pester ally. - burlesqueBalderdash [BB] began trolling hastyExecutor [HE] - BB:O>o iropha STOP BB:O>o the preparations are complete STOP BB:O>o it is time for the pies STOP BB:O>o i trust that you have handled my 40 pies with care STOP BB:O>o even the slightest of mishandling will render them inadequate for proper pile dynamics STOP BB:O>o also make sure they are not cakes STOP BB:O>o people seem to have trouble with that STOP The message is sent. Now you wait for the signal. > Be the best troll. - The SSB Intern, 3 years ago • > Be the best troll. You are now the cold current queen herself, Glissa. You are currently fuming over the the light in your CHUMPROLL that indicates a certain salty sea-dog is alive and well. Why hasn't he spoken to you over all this time! >Artisan: Tear into Sage You're going to give him a piece of your mind. -- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has begun trolling melancholicChumly [MC] -- BI: Pardone my language please BI: But whate the goddamn fucke MC: Ahoy MC: GliS\S\a MC: ... MC: You're probably won/)erinG\ why I never came back with any artifactS\ or bothere/) to contact you. MC: An/) you're no /)oubt ma/) that I've been avoi/)inG\ you. BI: I honeste to Gog thought you've been deade this whole time. BI: Is that the sorte of thing you like to leave hanginge over people's heads? MC: S\orry. BI: *Clap* *Clap* BI: Wondrouse speakinge skills Caoway. BI: You certainly have beene practicing. BI: Is there any purpose to this discussion? BI: No silly accent. I'm not in the mood to type out extra e's for you. MC: What elS\e /)o you want me to S\ay, La/)y FroS\ty G\illS\? MC: I'm S\orry I forG\ot to contact you an/) le/) you to believe I waS\ /)ea/) for half a S\weep. MC: I've was kin/) of cauG\ht up in thiS\ whole S\elf loathinG\ thinG\ an/) between G\ettinG\ foo/) for Beechie an/) myS\elf, I /juS\t /)i/)n't take the time to think about you or anyone elS\e for that matter. MC: I'm S\ort of a /jerk like that. MC: It's no excuS\e, I know. MC: But that'S\ why I'm apoloG\izinG\. What more do you want? MC: /)o I, the lowly peaS\ant, have to /)o a fuckinG\ cruS\tacean /)ance for your royal forG\iveneS\S\? BI: I know very little of your personal problems, but an apology is a start. BI: A dance would certainly be a gesture of goodwill, but not now. BI: Why do you suddenly care to speak with me? MC: Have you hear/) about the G\ame /)erpah haS\ put toG\ether? BI: Well of course. BI: He made it from information from the ruins I showed him. BI: Has he finished it yet? MC: Yeah he haS\. An/) he put me in charG\e of /)iS\tributinG\ it an/) puttinG\ toG\ether a team. MC: For reaS\onS\ I'm S\ure ma/)e perfect S\enS\e to him. MC: AS\ it happenS\, I'm a player S\hort an/) I've alrea/)y trie/) talkinG\ everyone elS\e i know into /joininG\. Even a few trollS\ I never met before. MC: LonG\ an/) i/)iotic S\tory ma/)e S\hort, they all S\ai/) no. BI: Feels great to know I was picked last for this game of Alternian doom dodgeball. Really. BI: Does this mean I was choses after Leraje and Tergum? Ouch. BI: Tell me, who else is in this motley crew? MC: Zebrek, G\orrma, S\harl, Lera/je, Piron, an/) S\omeone I haven't actually met yet. MC: Oh an/) myS\elf aS\ well. BI: Yes. BI: You are offering so much incentive right now. BI: Meddle meister supreme and the uncouth merchant. Not thrilled with you either right now. BI: However, I'll join because I told Piron I'd play the game with her. BI: So I will tolerate Leraje's nonexistant sense of privacy and even Sharl's disgusting habits. BI: I will even bare through the suffering of Zebrek's inability to remember a detail that doesn't pertain to butterflies, pixies, and other whimsical nonexistant things. MC: S\poken like a true hoity-toity royal. What a trooper. BI: I will disregard that remark for the moment being. BI: How am I to go about playing this game? MC: I'll S\en/) you the file, pluS\ thiS\ really helpful G\ui/)e /)erpah wrote. melancholicChumly sent bathorysIllustrator file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and "Not_dying_in_sgrub_for_assholes_v.0.01.ttxt". MC: Be S\ure to rea/) the inS\tructionS\ very carefully. BI: Oh yes that is certainly something I will do. BI: If that is all I bid you adieu. BI: Just remember that I expect that dance later. MC: Fine, next time we meet in perS\on. I'll make a note of it. -- bathorysIllustrator [BI] has ceased trolling melancholicChumly [MC] -- You certainly showed him. When the time comes, he better do the dance right, because the consequences of failure are quite severe. Anyways, you decide to move onto the guide. You gloss over the title and skip right into the... dammit Derpah. >Dammit Derpah You are now Nasryl. Much like Ms. Frost Gills, you are encountering quite the problem with the supposed 'Scientist' as well. It is quite painful really. You just failed to save this guys life and now you are having to tell Aldurin why he is stupid and fated to die. >Lets watch Your headache. -- technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling hazardousPracticioner [HP] -- TA: I fIgUrEd It's bEst If I mAkE sUrE thIs Is nOrmAl TA: ElEctrIc shOcks ArEn't hUrtIng mE As mUch AnYmOrE TA: I'm lItErAllY pOkIng A lIght sOckEt rIght nOw And I dOn't EvEn twItch TA: hOnEstlY It kIndA fEEls gOOd HP: Hush HP: Im brXXding HP: ... HP: Xk, brXXding cXmplete TA: sO Am I dYIng? TA: Or Is thIs A sUpErpOwEr? HP: Well, I've seen anXmalies befXre HP: But I can Xnly assume yXur nXrmal until prXven Xtherwise HP: My persXnal diagnXsis is that yXu have been Xverly expXsed and yXur nerves are being deadened HP: Treatment: stXp being stupid HP: Wear sXme rubber glXves TA: bUt I AlrEAdY wEAr mY cOmbAt glOvEs TA: whIch ArE mEtAl TA: bUt thOsE dOn't hUrt UntIl I pOkE A 2 gIgA-wAtt cIrcUIt HP: If I was nXt dedicated tX my cause, I wXuld prXbably kill yXu myself HP: Wearing metal when dealing electricity ELECTRXCUTES yXu HP: I just lXst a patient to an explXded hive HP: I'm in nX mXXd fXr this level Xf retardatiXn TA: wEll yOU ArE thE dOctOr TA: bUt I jUst thInk yOU'rE jEAlOUs, I ActUAllY gEt A pOwEr TA: sUrE I cAn't sAvE lIvEs bUt I cAn prOtEct mInE In A thUndErstOrm TA: I wOndEr whAt wOUld hAppEn If I tOUchEd thE OUtgOIng cIrcUIt frOm mY bAckUp gEnErAtOr . . . HP: RecXmmended treatments: HP: 1. Wear Rubber glXves HP: 2. StXp trying tX kill yXurself HP: AlsX, I've been hearing talk Xf yXu trying tX give mechanical limbs tX Xthers HP: Is this true? If sX I have a few chXice wXrds fXr yXu TA: I hAvEn't pErfEctEd A UnIt yEt TA: And vOlUntEErs ArE hArd tO cOmE bY In mY ArEA TA: Is thIs AlsO AbOUt yOU stIll bEIng mAd fOr hAvIng tO trEAt mE bEcAUsE Of prOtOtypE 34 fAIlIng? TA: mEntAl IntErfAcE Is thE bIggEst chAllEngE Of mY wOrk HP: I'm angry because mechanical limbs are a STUPID idea Xn the whXle HP: They require a lXt of maintenance, and are far frXm a permanent sXlutiXn HP: "WXX-HXX I'm a tXtal tXXl with my rXbXtic arm!" HP: Well guess what? HP: The rest Xf the bXdy will grXw and repair, but the machine WXN'T HP: CXnstant repair and replacements and sX much fixing invXlved HP: Its just retarded HP: What makes anyXne think its a gXXd idea HP: It wXuld wxrk much better tX replace the arm with ANXTHER ARM HP: Might be hard tX find Xne that wXn't be rejected by the hXst HP: But science mXves Xn, and there are many already dead TA: . . . TA: yOU rEAllY hAtE tEchnOlOgY dOn't yOU? TA: bUt I knOw thAt rObOtIc ImplAnts ArE OnlY tEmpOrArY TA: thE UltImAtE gOAl Is tO AchIEvE mEntAl trAnsfErrEncE TA: bEcOmE An EntIrE rObOt, And thUs bEcOmE ImmOrtAl dEpEndIng On yOUr sUrvIvAl skIlls HP: HXw in the fuck have yXu not blXwn yXuself up? HP: Are yXu magical? HP: Thats fucking it! HP: YXu clearly have fairy dust Xf sXme sXrt flXwing thrXugh yXur mutant veins HP: Its the Xnly explanatiXn as tX why yXu have nXt killed yXurself! HP: Because nX Xne has that kind Xf luck! HP: NX Xne HP: Be sure tX drXp by sXme time sX I can harness this trait fXr the gXXd Xf all trXll-kind HP: Until then, gXXd-day, and dXn't die -- hazardousPractitioner [HP] has ceased trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA] -- The things you do for that guy... honestly he'd be a walking prosthetic if it weren't for you. Probably of his own volition. You have a bad premonition that you will be keeping him alive for a while. Its not an easy job, and you sometimes considering abandoning him, but its your duty as a doctor/surgeon to preserve all life. >Check on Lusus Cathara? She's cleaning up the body in the other room. You're not particularly squeamish, but you don't like to watch the process. If you did enter, you'd see that you failed to remove all of the shrapnel from the corpse, and that your lusus was choking to death. Oh the pain of telling the poor green blood's lusus that his ward had fallen. It would be a very heartrending scene if the meteors didn't appear and preclude any further interaction with the rest of Alternia. >Be someone who isn't an orphan. Orphans suck. - Bard The 5th LW, 3 years ago • >{Processing error: rewinding to earlier command} >Dammit Derpah For the love of . . . Aldurin does not have a last name, the problem is in the 15 other trolls who can't process that excessively nominal detail. Oh and it appears Aldurin is currently unconcious, thank goodness he wasn't awake to hear you. >Aldurin: Wake up. Well, your new power of electrical resistance now has a reasonably quantifiable limit. Turns out the backup generator wasn't completely warmed up and only at half output when you tested it. Close call. >Do something relatively safe. You might as well go ahead and see if Scalis is up for leading half the charge in this game. You leave one of the several equipment rooms you have scattered throughout your hive and proceed to the nearest clusterhusk terminal. >Stare at screen. -technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling pandorasArchivist [PA]- TA: sImplE qUEstIOn TA: If I gAvE yOU pOwEr hOw bAdlY wOUld yOU AbUsE It? You can't believe it, he still isn't answering. You'll have to consider other options if he takes to a sudden habit of playing dead when you try to contact him. >Do something else. Might as well check the power distribution and make sure your lusus stops drawing so much power for whatever he's doing. >Sounds boring. Be someone else. - Aldurin, 3 years ago • >Sounds boring. Be someone else. Fetch quests are much less boring! You are now GORRMA, and you are searching for HIDDEN TREASURE in your hive. >Gorrma: view treasure map. Treasure map? She don't need to show you no stinking treasure map. Basically because she doesn't have one. > wut You don't have a MAP to find the HIDDEN TREASURE, mainly because you are the one who hid the treasure in the first place! You've pretty much narrowed its possible location down to one spot. There's generally only two or three places you hide stuff that you don't want to accidentally eat. Hm. Actually, this is less of a TREASURE HUNT and more of a TREASURE GET. Oh well. There is a green flour canister up on the shelf above you. Little do your many enemies know that the canister has a SECRET SMUGGLING COMPARTMENT. You are so clever. >Open canister. You open the canister and out falls TWO(2) TRANSPARENT CRYSTALS. Well that was anticlimactic. Hm. They are sort of covered in flour. Next time you go to all the trouble of rigging something with a secret compartment, you should probably actually USE it. > Eat crystal. With gusto! You take a big bite, relishing the satisfying crunch. Hmmm. Crisp and dry, with earthy undertones and a nice finish. Slight aftertaste. It would pair well with a--- Wait. Waaait. Didn't you need this crystal for something? Oh dammit. Why'd you have to go and eat the crystal? Now you only have one crystal to trade with. You blockhead. >Eat other crystal. You are about to oblige when you are stopped by a strange noise. Either the heat sensor on the oven is going crazy again, or someone is trolling you. >Eat other crystal. What's that you say, Run upstairs to see what's going on? Very well. You CAPTACHLOGUE the CRYSTAL first. It breaks down into-- oh curses. You hate it when this happens. The crystal dissappears, a ghost recipe card is created, and silicon and oxygen molecules are dumped into the ingredients bin. You have no idea how you're going to remember that when the time comes to get the crystal out of your sylladex. > Eat the flour canister You'd really like to, but you should probably go make sure the oven isn't going to explode and destroy the entire kitchen block. That would be a real bummer. You run upstairs. The oven is still in one piece, but your computer is beeping. Looks like you've got several people TROLLING you. >Answer Zebrek. - spectacularHellion [SH] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] - SH: heeeyyyyyy gorrrrrrmaaaa SH: whats cookin SH: ive been pretty busy i guess playing a lot trying to find out what this game were going to play is about plus my lusus and trolling people and i just have sooo many balls in the air i have all of the balls all of them OO: hi zeb! OO: oh man, i have all shortsh of shtuff cooking today! OO: i'm glad you ashked! OO: i've got a cake in the oven, and a pashta shalad in the worksh, and... OO: oh!! i get it. "what'sh cookin" wash a metaphor. OO: shorry! i get kinda carried away whenever my hobby ish involved in a convershation. OO: anyway, i've been pretty busy too! OO: doing a lot of cooking and rechipe-shorting and traitor-hunting OO: wait wait no you didn't read that lasht one, i didn't mean to type that!! ]:-O OO: shometimesh i forget to keep the detailsh of my rich fantashy life to myshelf. OO: sho embarasshing!!!! ]:'-( (parshley will never let me live thish down....) OO: anyway, i'm glad i'm not the only one who doeshn't know much about thish game. OO: i wash gettin worried that i'd been left out of the loop. SH: :o what kinda traitor what are you talking about tell me tell me SH: i havent been able to find out anything either its frustrating because it sounds really cool SH: so hey anyway listen i was looking over my collection and i found this thing i think you might like SH: its like i dunno a cookery thing its shiny and stuff and i think you use it to do something a cook does OO: !!!! OO: really?? OO: cookery is like my favorite thing ever!! OO: sure, i'd take it off your handsh for you! OO: and ash for the traitor thing... OO: ... OO: okay, if you promishe not to tell anyone... OO: it wash jusht a game i wash playing. OO: i pretended one of my doll-apprentichesh wash a traitor OO: sho i poishoned them all to get them to talk OO: exchept i didn't really; i wash jusht being clever to shcare them into confesshing OO: and it worked, becaushe my apprentice peshto admitted to everything! OO: it wash really cool! i felt good about my interrogation shkillsh. OO: sho then i deep-fried and ate him. OO: ..... OO: ..... OO: which in retroshpect probably washn't the brightesht idea, shince that meansh OO: now i'm down to only three dollsh. OO: well, two, if you count the fact that nommington ate parshley'sh head off. OO: i'm working on making her a new one, though. SH: its ok i kill my traitors too except i just shoot them but eating them is ok too i guess SH: i dont really like to give away things from my collection but youre my friend and you can put it to use so yeah ill get the cookery thing to you sometime SH: if you need more dolls i guess you can borrow some of mine too i dont mind giving those away just not too many OO: hmmmmm OO: well, shooting ish okay, i shupposhe. my way jusht sheemsh lessh... washteful, i OO: guessh. OO: and wow! OO: mosht of the guysh i know would inshisht that they were action figuresh, not dollsh. OO: that'sh really cool! OO: anyway, thish "cookery thing" shoundsh myshterioush and exciting! OO: i'll find a way to come pick it up ash shoon ash i can. OO: i won't even try to eat anything in or around your hive while i'm there! OO: shee? i'm totally trushtworthy and full of shelf-control! OO: anybody who thinksh otherwishe and who wantsh to leave me out of the shgrub game OO: becaushe of my shupposhed bad eating habitsh OO: should take note of my amazing shelf-control. OO: ...... OO: ]:-( OO: i think i'm getting too worked up about thish. OO: i should go eat shomething to calm myshelf down. SH: well i have action figures too but also dolls and plushies SH: i dont really know why theyre not letting you in the loop but then again im not really in the loop either but i do think youre trustworthy and full of self control SH: yeah ok eating something might be good for you have fun - spectacularHellion [SH] ceased trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO] - Well, at least you're not the only one who doesn't know what's up with this SGRUB thing. You'd better take your own advice and settle down with a snack for a wh--- Wait. Who's this other guy trolling you? The name looked familiar.... >Answer. melancholicChumly [MC] began trolling omnipotentOmnivore [OO]- MC: Ahoy G\orrma. MC: G\orrma? You there? MC: PleaS\e /)on't tell me you finally /)evoure/) your huS\ktop. OO: no! OO: well, not the -entire- hushktop. OO: i took a bite out of one corner, but it shtill worksh and-- OO: wait a shecond! OO: caoway?!?! OO: holy bovine, it'sh caoway!! OO: wow, i haven't sheen you online in at leasht a sholar shweep. OO: where've you been? OO: i thought you had died or shomething. OO: or like, had your armsh bitten off by a kraken or aqua-bear OO: or some other kind of large and tashty ocean-dwelling monshter. OO: i wash kind of worried. ]:-( MC: S\orry. MC: There waS\ an inci/)ent an/) I've kin/) of been takinG\ care of Beechie. MC: An/) I haven't felt like /)oinG\ much elS\e, even talkinG\ to frien/)S\. MC: But enouG\h about that. MC: /)erpah'S\ rope/) me into the S\G\RUB G\ame an/) I waS\ won/)erinG\ if you'/) like to be part of my crew? OO: would i! OO: yeah! that'd be aweshome! OO: don't worry; you won't regret having me on your team! OO: i promishe not to eat anything shuper-important that we have. OO: who elshe have you recruited? MC: Lera/je an/) maybe TerG\um. MC: I've been tryinG\ to G\et ahol/) of Zeb but he won't anS\wer. MC: We might be better off if I /juS\t fin/) a replacement for him. MC: /)o you know any G\oo/) can/)i/)ateS\? MC: Preferably S\omeone whoS\e perS\onalty /)efect woul/)n't en/) up becominG\ a thorn in our S\ittinG\ cleftS\. OO: tergum?? that guy ish kind of a hate-floozy if you ashk me. OO: but let'sh shee. OO: lemmie check my trollshlum for ideash. OO: hmmmmm...... OO: oh! actually! OO: i promished a friend of mine that i'd put in a good word for her if i found out OO: who wash in charge of running thish game. OO: her name is piron. MC: Urk, I know her. MC: An/) I've alrea/)y G\ot her line/) up at Lera/je's requeS\t. OO: oh! aweshome! OO: well then... hmmm. OO: ballaa'sh a cool guy OO: but he doeshn't sheem like the type who likesh group effortsh, sho maybe OO: that wouldn't be such a good idea. OO: have you ashked sharl? MC: I waS\ G\oinG\ to aS\k him that after I recruite/) you. MC: But thiS\ Ballaa character, he really iS\n't a team player? OO: i don't know... he doeshn't sheem like the type to me. OO: what with all the "lone vigilante" shtuff he likesh. OO: i mean, he might go for having a shidekick, but that'sh probably about it. MC: Well, I'm not much for G\roupS\ or FLARPinG\ myS\elf an/) look where I am. OO: true! well, i guessh it won't hurt to try ashking. OO: ashide from the fact that he thinks he'sh a reincarnation of a fictional shuperhero OO: bashed on a nocturnal wingedrat, he'sh a pretty cool guy. MC: Wow, that'S\ a new one. MC: Well, if he thinkS\ he'S\ Nocturnal Winge/)rat ViG\ilante... MC: I'll /juS\t have to S\en/) out a Coalition of RiG\ht /)oinG\S\ invitation. MC: In any caS\e, he can't be more irritatinG\ than Zeb. MC: ThankS\ for the help, G\orrma. MC: Oh almoS\t forG\ot. Here'S\ the G\ame file. melancholicChumly sent omnipotentOmnivore file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and "Not_dying_in_sgrub_for_assholes_v.0.01.ttxt". MC: I'll S\en/) you a link to a memo to S\et up or/)er once everyone iS\ on boar/). OO: thanksh! wow, that'sh a lot of rulesh to go through. OO: guessh i better get shtarted if i want to know how to play by the time OO: the game getsh going. shee you shoon!! --omnipotentOmnivore [OO] ceased trolling melancholicChumley [MC]-- Hmmmm. You probably should have mentioned that you just talked to Zebrek a second ago. Oh well. You got picked to be on someone's team! Aweshome! Time for some manual-reading and a light snack to help you focus! >Be someone else. - Mauve Mage, 3 years ago • > Be someone else. You're now Sharl. His arms are practically flailing as he is running back and forth through his warehive, all cluttered with junk. > Be careful! Don't panic so much! Oh, that was too late. He already tripped on his lusus littered junk and bumped his forehead on a bookcase. Fortunately, his head was amply protected by his bucket and went back to work. >Why the rush? The troll doesn't even give you the time of night as he frantically weave through his supplies, picking out select few items from the list. > Peek at his hivetop. You peek at his hivetop to see an abacus program, several labelled blueprints of his warehives and some pesterchum conversations... -omnipotentOmnivore[OO] began trolling butketHed [BH]- OO: sharl? OO: um... are you there? OO: i wash wondering if you had any shpare ovensh lying around in the warehive OO: that i could buy. OO: my current one ish kind of.... not good. BH: Ovens, Ovens... it's a rather large item that isn't a mass-selling product. >_< BH: Ok! I think I found something! It has some signs of use, but it's a sturdy item that is easy to install. It is pretty big... which may or may not be a good thing depending on whether you value space in your kitchen or you want to make multiple items at the same time. BH: This one has heat powerful enough to cook food made in stone bowls, giving it a very... special flavor. ^___^ One which I heard is full of nutrients, but I digress. ^.^ BH: But of course, if you could inform me of the particular flaws of your ovens, I could see if I could better accomadate you. (^__^)==d BH: ^^ And rest assured, I can offer whatever ovens I have to you for a bargin! It's crazy!$_$OO: itsh flawsh? well.. OO: i dunno... mine jusht sheemsh like it'sh about ready to explode or shomething from OO: over-ushe. i figure that'sh probably a bad thing. OO: i've been putting off buying a new one for a long time sho i could shave up enough OO: money for a really good model, but i'm afraid mine ish going to die before OO: i can shcrape up enough boonbucksh for the model i originally wanted. OO: (it'sh hard to shave money when you conshtantly have to purchashe more exotic OO: shpicesh and ingredientsh from the other shide of the globe.) OO: and i really don't have time to be chashing baby magma shpidersh all over the place OO: if the oven breaksh and they eshcape. OO: oh, and the explosion part would probably be bad for the kitchen-block, too. ]:-\ OO: sho the one you have would probably work. i'm getting kind of deshperate. BH: 0.o I'm sorry, I'm just dumbfounded that your oven was dangerously prone to explosions! BH: Quite a worrisome thing naturally. >_< BH: But let's talk business. BH: I'll provide the oven naturally. =P And since it is a REALLY large product, I'll have to see if I get Iropha to deliver it to you. Otherwise, I'll handle it personally. ^.~ BH: So, basically, there is the actual cost of the oven and the shipping fee. BH: >_> Do you have any particular considerations I should consider before we start... negotiations? -- hazardousPractitioner [HP] has begun pestering bukcetHed [BH] -- HP: Hey Sharl. HP: I think I'm gXing tX need anXther shipment Xf painkillers sXXn. HP: I cXuld barely keep my patient uncXnciXus tXday. BH: ^^; Those things aren't terribly easy to come by. Over the counter stuff, sure. But the hardcore stuff for hardcore practiticioners like yourself? >_> It's tricky. BH: But you're in luck, I do have a small reserve of them handy at the moment, and I'll keep an eye on any more. ^^ On a sidenote, I came across some other supplies like medical adhesive strips and standard equipment that are not so contraband in untrained hands. =3 BH: So, do you have anything special you want to offer? Or would you rather pay by boondollars? HP: WhX dX yXu think I am, Vierth? HP: I gXt nXthing that's gXing tX interest yXu besides cash. HP: ScrXunging Xn that as well thXugh. HP: Its wXrth the price tX deal with yXu rather than a mXre shady character thXugh I suppXse. BH: ^^ It encourages me to hear that from you. Alright... let's see... I can spare you the shipping cost for certain... I'm thinking around 30 000 boondollars for the entire stash. HP: Ugh. HP: Fine, I'll shell Xut this time. HP: GXnna need an alternative sXXn. HP: It might be cheaper tX make it Xn my Xwn, but I'd need tX find the true ingredients fXr that. HP: And I dXn't think that infX will be easy tX cXme acrXss if I'm nXt in the military. HP: Might be able tX make weaker stuff Xn my Xwn I guess. BH: ^__^ It is a deal then. I'll ensure the delivery of your goods personally. I'll keep an eye out for additional sources in the near future as well. HP: Yes Yes. HP: I'll be sure tX wire the money later Xn. HP: I have sXme matters tX attend tX. HP: Its hard. HP: Telling a lusus that yXu failed tX save their ward. HP: Its hard and they never understand. HP: MXstly because Xf the language barrier. melancholicChumly [MC] began trolling butketHed [BH]- MC: Ahoy S\harl. It'S\ been awhile. MC: You like playinG\ merchant in FLARP riG\ht? BH: >_> Well, I don't FLARP very often, but the rare times I do, the merchant class is something I find appealing. I play what I know. ^^ BH: ^,^ You'd be suprised how much respect and command can be had outside the game for offering a rare commodity which only has value ingame! MC: Well, how woul/) you like to comman/) /juS\t a little more reS\pect? BH: Alright, you got my attention. What do you have in mind, friend? MC: I'm in the proceS\S\ of puttinG\ toG\ether a team for the new G\ame /)erpah ma/)e. MC: How woul/) you like to be on my team? BH: Well, I am curious about the particular details of this game. What roles are entailed and how the game works in particular. I do hate wasting time on playing something that I later on find isn't a good fit for me. ^^; So I do like to learn these things in advance. =P MC: Well thiS\ particular G\ame iS\... MC: It'S\ a little har/) to /)eS\cribe. MC: But I /)o know you will /)efinitely reG\ret not /joininG\. BH: Interesting. How defined is the means of character creations? Is there a particular role you have in mind for me to contribute to? :3 MC: Uh, I /)on't actually know what the roleS\ are. MC: G\ive me a minute. BH: Of course. ^^ I'm just a bit wary of spending time on games since I do have a business of my own. ^.~ So I really want to ensure that any game I play is something.... worthwhile. :3 Profitable even. MC: Okay, /)erpah's G\ui/)e /)oeS\n't actually S\ay what roleS\ we G\et. MC: An/) it'S\ the worS\t rea/) I've ha/) in a lonG\ while. BH: Hmmm.... How about you guys go ahead without me for a bit, see what it is like... and if you think it really has some promise, I'll see if I can come by at a later point? ^^ I can then take whatever info you give me and... play around with my class to best suit whatever you find your group is lacking. =P MC: AlriG\ht, but I'll S\en/) you the file /juS\t S\o you can be rea/)y to G\o S\houl/) you /)eci/)e to /join. BH: I see. I appreciate you inviting me all the same. ^^ Out of curiousity, has anyone else decided to play? MC: Well, myS\elf for one. MC: There'S\ alS\o G\orrma, Lera/je, probably TerG\um.. MC: Hrm, I'm G\oinG\ to have to G\et aroun/) to invitinG\ Piron. MC: Or G\et S\omeone elS\e to /)o it. BH: I like Gorrma. ^^ Nice client. Any idea on the theme of the game? MC: S\urvival, I'/) waG\er. BH: Is it all skill based or is there the chance to gain strength by gaining items and trading them, given enough effort to aqquire them? >_> ^,^ MC: Let me check. MC: S\tupi/) G\ui/)e. Well, it waS\n't clear but it mentionS\ S\omethinG\ about craftinG\ G\ear. S\o I S\uppoS\e there woul/) be market for that S\tuff. BH: That does have a certain appeal to it. ^-^ BH: (^.^)=Y I guess I'll take a look into the game when I get the file you promise to send. MC: Oh riG\ht. Here you G\o. melancholicChumly sent butketHed file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt" butketHed has recieved file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt" from melancholicChumly BH: Hmmm, Sgrub. I guess I'll read this a bit later. One more question... BH: You said there would be ... teams... Have you any idea on how many of those there are or who would be in them? ^^; MC: There'S\ G\oinG\ to be one other team. And I know S\caliS\ and /)erpah are on that one. BH: Ah, ok. I'd better keep anything I get in the game from them then. :3 BH: So, how is things going with you otherwise? ^^ I found some interesting items to sell soon. Even found something live! BH: Let me see if I can get an appropriate image.... BH: (\_/) (0_0) C(")(") BH: ^___^ BH: I don't suppose I could interest you in something? MC: That iS\ temptinG\ but I'm kinda S\hort on S\pace riG\ht now. MC: Cymopolea's treaS\urary is takinG\ up a lot of room. BH: Well... I might be able to accomadate that. :3 BH: Via using my warehive to store your unneeded goods in a seperate compartment specific for you... for a generously nominal operating cost. ^^ BH: Free up space in your hive for whatever purpose you'd rather use the space for. ^^ MC: That woul/) be nice, but it kin/) of defeatS\ the purpoS\e of havinG\ trophieS\ if they're all S\tored in place where no one can S\ee them. BH: Ah, your point is well made. A pity. You must be very proud of them. ^^ Do you have a particular favorite? MC: I am partial to Ten. MC: Troll Eartha Kitt comeS\ in at a cloS\e S\econ/). BH: Ah. ^^ Well, that is nice. BH: Now, I mean no rudeness, but is there anything else I could do for you before I sign off? I have a client who has expressed interest in something very urgent and I would like to invest a bit more time in ensuring I serve her well. MC: Of courS\e. I'll G\et back to you if I nee/) anythinG\. BH: It was a pleasure chatting with you, friend. I bid you good evening. ^_^ melancholicChumly [MC] ceased trolling butketHed [BH]- Suddenly, the helmeted merchant starts scrambling on his hivetop and typing hastily. butketHed - began trolling hastyExecutor [HE]- BH: Iropha, I'm in dire need of your assistance! :ohdear: BH: I recently recieved two orders. Both of them being a considerable task. :sweatdrop BH: One being a oven, oversized class to be delivered to Gorma. The other being a delicate shipment of medical supplies to be sent to Nasyrl. BH: I'm already going mad getting everything all ready. :aaa: BH: Can I count on your assistance to deliver them posthaste? [B]> Leave the busy troll to his business. Find someone else not quite so busy. - Menarker, 3 years ago • > Leave the busy troll to his business. Find someone else not quite so busy. Congratulations, you are Tergum again! >Goddammit. Oh suck it up, shitface. You have a troll to answer! You really hope it's someone you don't want to punch in the fa...Dammit Derpah. >Dammit Derpah technopathicalAnomaly [TA] began trolling antipathicHopper [AH] TA: sImplE qUEstIOn And I wOUld lIkE A dIrEct AnsEr TA: dO yOU thInk yOU cOUld bE An EffEctIvE lEAdEr? AH: Super Effe[tive. TA: clOsE EnOUgh TA: I nEEd sOmEOnE tO lEAd OnE Of thE tEAms fOr thIs gAmE I fOUnd TA: ArE yOU Up fOr thE chAllEngE? AH: Every [ha|_|_enge a|_[]ng the way, with [[]urage I wi|_|_ fa[e. AH: But seri[]us|_y, yeah. TA: gOOd, It's A bIzArrE gAmE cAllEd "Sgrub" thAt I fOUnd In An Old pIlE Of rOcks TA: All I knOw sO fAr Is thAt plAyIng thIs wIll dEstrOy AltErnIA sOmEhOw TA: And CAOwAy Is AlrEAdY bUIldIng A tEAm sO nOt plAyIng Is A dEAth sEntEnce AH: S[], basi[a|_|_y, what y[]u're saying is I get t[] []ne-up [a[]way AND s[rew []ver the rest []f the p|_anet? AH: Yes. AH: He|_|_ yes. AH: He|_|_ ^^[]therfu[king yes. technopathicalAnomaly sent antipathicHopper file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt" TA: hErE's thE gAmE, jUst kEEp In mInd thAt thE gUIdE Is A bUnch Of gEnErAlIzEd gUEssEs wrIttEn bY mY lUsUs TA: dO yOU hAvE AnY fUrthEr qUEstIOns? AH: Just []ne: h[]w is []|_d Herpey, anyway? TA: stIll bUIldIng rAndOm shIt, hE sEEms kIndA dEprEssEd thOUgh TA: And thIs gAmE scArEd hIm shItlEss whEn I wAs fIrst cOmpIlIng It TA: hOpEfullY nOt A bAd OmEn AH: It's a ga^^e that destr[]ys the p|_anet. AH: H[]w ^^u[h w[]rse []f an []^^en [[]u|_d it be? TA: wE All dIE pAInfUllY TA: fOrtUnAtElY thErE's IndIcAtIOn thAt wE hAvE mUch OppOrtUnIty tO sUrvIvE TA: yOU cOUld sAy thE OnlY wAy tO lOsE Is tO nOt plAy TA: And OnE lAst thIng, It'll wOrk bEst If yOU fInd sIx OthEr plAyErs AH: Easy en[]ugh. I've g[]t a few in ^^ind. AH: But n[]w I've g[]tta g[]. If the w[]rld's ending s[][]n, ^^ight as we|_|_ finish ^^y Grubdex whi|_e I have the ti^^e. AH: G[]tta [u|_|_ e^^ a|_|_, bit[h. TA: yOU shOUld stIll hAvE A fEw dAys I thInk, gIvEn thAt EvErY OnE cOOrdInAtEs sO wE stArt thIs At OUr lIEsUrE technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased trolling antipathicHopper [AH] Well, that explains what Caoway was on about. You decide that rather than looking through the manual, you should focus on getting your team together. >Tergum: Troll everyone. http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab330/AsshatLP/Trollslum/tergumtyping.gif -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling hastyExecutor [HE]- AH: Hey. AH: W[]r|_d's ending. AH: Wanna |_ive? AH: Then p|_ay a ga^^e with ^^e. AH: Up f[]r it? -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]- AH: Sup, Ba|_|_aa? AH: Yeah, that's great, d[]n't [are. AH: |_[]ng st[]ry sh[]rt: AH: W[]r|_d's ending; p|_aying a ga^^e that wi|_|_ |_et s[]^^e []f us survive, de[ided t[] draft y[]u. AH: Y[]u in, []r are y[]u just g[]nna sit [rying f[]r y[]ur |_usus in y[]ur hive as the w[]r|_d ends? -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling pandorasArchivist [PA]- AH: S[a|_is. AH: I hate t[] d[] this. AH: I mean really, "dropping the typing quirk" hate to do this. AH: But the world is ending, and, against my better judgement, I've decided to draft you to be among the survivors. AH: TA sent me a game that's going to destroy everything. Caoway's leading an opposing team. AH:You in? -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling eloquentOrchestrato [EO]- AH: []i, neatfreak. AH: Y[]u've been drafted int[] a ga^^e that wi|_|_ destr[]y the w[]r|_d. AH: D[]n't p|_ay, and, we|_|_... AH: It'|_|_ get ^^essy. {8| AH: Y[]u in? -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling technopathicalAnomaly[TA]- AH: Greetings, d[]u[he[ake. AH: Derpah sent ^^e a ga^^e that wi|_|_ destr[]y the w[]r|_d... AH: And that w[]u|_d be y[]u. AH: We|_|_ shit. AH: Uh, yeah, ^^aking ^^y tea^^. AH: In a way that t[]ta|_|_y d[]esn't inv[]|_ve g[]ing d[]wn my [[]nta[ts |_ist. TA: I'vE bEEn hAngIng bAck tO dEtErmInE thE bEst tEAm fOr mY IntErEsts TA: And gIvEn thE AmOUnt Of trOlls thAt mIght kIll mE wIthOUt sEcOnd thOUght On CAOwAy's lIst TA: I gUEss I'd bE OpEn tO tAggIng AlOng AH: Fantasti[. AH: N[]te t[] se|_f: re[ruit pe[]p|_e wh[] w[]u|_d ki|_|_ hi^^ with[]ut a FIRST th[]ught. {>:P TA: tOO lAtE, I thInk yOUr OppOsItIOn hAs AlrEAdY tAkEn mY bIggEst thrEAts TA: LErAjE Is . . . wEll hE's A sElf-tAUght psYchOlOgIst, And ZEb Is tOO dAngErOUs tO bE ArOUnd rEgArdlEss Of prE-ExIstIng qUAdrAnts TA: EvEryOnE ElsE mIght wAnt tO hUrt mE bUt prObAblY wOn't ActUAllY trY tO mAkE mE dIE AH: Agreed. Besides, I'^^ g[]ing t[] ^^ake sure the tea^^-ki|_|_ing is kept t[] a ^^ini^^u^^. AH: At |_east unti|_ I've de[ided wh[]'s expendab|_e... TA: It stIll sEEms lIkE I'm bEttEr Off wIth yOUr tEAm TA: AlsO lAst thIng . . . TA: yOU hAvEn't nAmEd thE tEAm AnYthIng rEtArdEd hAvE yOU? AH: A|_durin! AH: I'^^ hurt! AH: W[]unded, even! AH: N[] na^^e [[]u|_d p[]ssib|_y be better. AH: []n that n[]te, [[]nsider y[]urse|_f the newest grunt []f TEA^^ R[][KET! TA: . . . TA: I kIndA wIsh thAt ScAlIs wOUld hAvE AnswErEd mE sOOnEr nOw TA: bUt I cAn lIvE wIth It technopathicalAnomaly [TA] ceased trolling antipathicHopper [AH] -antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling burlesqueBalderdash [BB]- AH: Sa|_utati[]ns, shithead. AH: Y[]u've been drafted int[] a ga^^e that wi|_|_ destr[]y the w[]r|_d. AH: If y[]u d[]n't p|_ay, y[]u'|_|_ die with the rest []f A|_ternia. AH: Y[]u in? BB: O>o greetings to you as well, capiti STOP BB: O>o you present me an interesting quandry STOP BB: O>o die STOP BB: O>o or be in hell by having to listen to your bushwa orders STOP BB: O>o i think im going to have to go with STOP BB: O>o neither STOP AH: |_E GASP. AH: [are t[] e|_ab[]rate? BB: O>o i don't have to time to indulge you in your fantasy games for grubs STOP BB: O>o i have real work to do STOP BB: O>o comedy work STOP AH: Uh, kidd[]? AH: Did y[]u ^^iss the part where y[]u'|_|_ DIE if y[]u d[]n't p|_ay? AH: And y[]ur "[[]^^edy" wi|_|_ g[] up in f|_a^^es as we|_|_. AH: But hey, y[]ur |_[]ss. BB: O>o wait STOP BB: O>o is this that thing derpah wouldn't shut up about STOP AH: Derpah d[]esn't shut up ab[]ut a |_[]t []f things. AH: But yes. BB: O>o ... STOP BB: O>o are you really serious STOP BB: O>o the world is ending STOP BB: O>o NOW STOP AH:We|_|_. ^^[]re spe[ifi[a|_|_y, []n[e we start p|_aying. AH: But I'^^ pretty sure it'|_|_ happen anyway, this is just []ur []nly [han[e. AH: Da^^ned if y[]u d[], da^^ned if y[]u d[]n't. {:/ BB: O>o but why now, of all times STOP BB: O>o it's my priemere STOP BB: O>o :| STOP AH: S[]rry. Fate's a bit[h, I guess. AH: But is there rea|_|_ a [[]nvenient ti^^e f[]r the w[]r|_d t[] end? AH: If it w[]u|_d [heer y[]u up, y[]u [[]u|_d perf[]r^^ f[]r the []ther p|_ayers? BB: O>o that's not the same STOP BB: O>o i was going to make it STOP BB: O>o everyone would adore me STOP BB: O>o i could shove it in the face of you and all the other naysayers >:'[ STOP AH: I'^^ s[]rry... BB: O>o ...okay STOP BB: O>o i guess me and vicki will just have to make do STOP AH: G|_ad t[] hear it. AH: Beats dying, d[]esn't it? AH: Here: antipathicHopper sent burlesqueBalderdash file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt" AH: That's the guide Derpah sent ^^e. Give it a read thr[]ugh, and we|_[[]^^e t[] the tea^^. BB: O>o hmm STOP BB: O>o who else does this team comprise of STOP AH: I was h[]ping y[]u w[]u|_dn't ask that... AH: Right n[]w, y[]u're the first pers[]n t[] a[tua|_|_y resp[]nd. AH: S[] it's ^^e, y[]u, and A|_durin. AH: I'^^ sti|_|_ waiting t[] hear ba[k fr[]^^ Ba|_|_aa, S[a|_is, Ir[]pha,and Reztek. BB: O>o wait STOP BB: O>o THE ballaa!? STOP AH: The very sa^^e. AH: Wi|_|_ that be a pr[]b|_e^^? BB: O>o ...no STOP BB: O>o i guess i should make my preperations STOP BB: O>o as well as read this... guide STOP AH: G[][]d p|_an. AH: I'|_|_ |_eave y[]u t[] that, then. AH: |_ater. BB: O>o farewell STOP antipathicHopper [AH] ceased trolling burlesqueBalderdash [BB] Well, that was fucking pointless. You only got one real answer, what the hell! It's like these assholes want to get hit by meteors. >Tergum: Go read the guide. Yeah, fuck that, you have Pokegrub to play. >Be someone less stupid. You entirely fail to do so, and are now... Tergum from the distant future! >Distant Future Tergum: Update. You're even more annoyed than you were; it's been two hours and you still haven't heard back from anyone other than Aldurin and Vintag. What the shit? >Distant Future Tergum: If at first you don't succeed... Blast all of your friends with notifications. __________________________________________________ FUTURE antipathicHopper [AH] (2 hours from now) started memo: Prepare f[]r tr[]ub|_e! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FAH: ‘sup, n[][]ksniffers? FAH: Due t[] p[]pu|_ar de^^and (n[]t t[] ^^enti[]n [[]^^^^[]n sense), I’^^ in [harge of Tea^^ R[][ket. FAH: First things first: R[]|_|_ [a|_|_! FAH: []bvi[]us|_y, Tergu^^, y[]ur g|_[]ri[]us |_eader is here. CURRENT hazardousPractitioner [HP] has responded to memo CHP: I really shXuld have mXre impXrtant things tX be dXing, but why nXt. CHP: What the hell is this? CHP: Are yXu Xrganizing a FLARP sessiXn Xr sXmething? CHP: If sX I can be Xn call tX treat any 'accidents' bXth genuine and staged. CURRENT burlesqueBalderdash [BB] has responded to the memo CBB: O>o what popcockery is this STOP CBB: O>o is tergum trying to be funny again STOP FAH:N[] j[]ke, kidd[]. FAH: I'^^ in [harge. FAH: Dea|_ w/ it. CHP: In charge Xf what! CHP: Please prXvide an answer befXre I stXp caring. FAH: |_[]ng st[]ry sh[]rt, a ga^^e that wi|_|_ deter^^ine the fate []f the w[]r|_d. FAH: I dunn[], ask A|_durin. He was ta|_king, and I z[]ned []ut pretty qui[k|_y... CHP: Again? I've already put up with him Xnce tXday! CHP: Why didn't he tell me then? CHP: Fine, I'll spare the mXment tX talk with him. This best be wXrth it. FAH: Did y[]u ^^iss the "fate []f the w[]r|_d" bit? FAH: And he pr[]bab|_ didn't te|_|_ y[]u be[ause... FAH: We|_|_, he's s[]rt []f... FAH: A|_durin. Y'kn[]w? CHP: I knXw much tXX well. CURRENT hazardousPractitioner [HP] has ceased responding to memo FAH: We|_|_. FAH: S[]^^e[]ne's a gru^^py grub t[]day. absentPsychologist [AP] has responded to the memo AP: That one. Is...grumpy. Every, day. absentPsychologist [AP] has ceased responding to the memo AH: |_eraje, fu[k []ff, y[]u aren't part []f this tea^^. AH: Anyway, f[]r the rest []f y[]u wh[] g[]t this ^^e^^[] with[]ut getting the ^^e^^[]... AH: We're p|_aying a ga^^e. AH: I ^^ean, y[]u [[]u|_d [h[][]se N[]T t[] p|_ay, but then y[]u'd die. AH: Pr[]bab|_y sh[]u|_d have [|_arified earlier; when I said deter^^ine the fate []f the w[]r|_d... AH: I ^^eant the fate []f []ur |_ives. AH: A|_ternia's fu[ked, but the handfu|_ []f us wh[] p|_ay wi|_|_ survive. AH: S[], that's the eight []f us, and the seven fu[ktards [a[]way re[ruited. AH: I tried t[] [[]nta[t y[]u a|_|_ individua|_|_y, but a |_[]t []f y[]u didn't resp[]nd. AH: And, I f[]rg[]t t[] invite Nasry|_. Wh[][]ps. AH: Fair warning: I'|_|_ expe[t better w[]rk ethi[ fr[]m a|_|_ []f y[]u []n[e we start Sgrub. AH: []kay. Rant's d[]ne, and n[]w it is my p|_easure t[] we|_[[]^^e y[]u t[]... AH: TEA^^ R[][KET! AH: N[]w, bu[k the fu[k up and get with the r[]|_|_ [a|_|_, fu[ksti[ks! Why you sent the memo into the past, you don't know. At all. But it was definitely someone elses fault. Yep. >Be someone else while Tergum waits for a goddamn response, Team Rocket. - Token, 3 years ago • >Be someone else while Tergum waits for a goddamn response, Team Rocket You are now Leraje. You're secret leadership of Team Fortress seems to be going sweetly. You were able to organize the team exactly to your wishes while keeping Caoway as your scapegoat. With most of the team confirmed via chat and such you decide to start up your likely only overt action of leadership. >Leraje: Make memo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ absentPsychologist [AP] opened memo: The. Fortress. Of. Win. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AP: Good. Evening, everyone... AP: I believe, we are all. United, so I. Opened this. Memo to. Facilitate comraderie. AP: As well as. Abstract...strateigic planning. But not, exact. Rocket lurkers, are. EVERYWHERE. AP: Also. Unlike our, counterparts. I would suggest, against. A leader. AP: We, all have. The potential...for brilliance. And making a, figurehead. To pretend...he controls us. Would, only stifle our. Capabilities. AP: Anyway. First business. Roll call. Please, acknowledge your. Life oaths...to the fortress. PAST spectacularHellion [PSH] 45:34 HOURS AGO began responding to memo PSH: yeah wassup im here FUTURE spectacularHellion [FSH] 14:19 HOURS FROM now began responding to memo FSH: im here too dudes oh man this game is awesome i cant wait for you guys to become your current future selves from my time so we can play together PSH: really how awesome is it FSH: the best awesome ever awesomest CURRENT brutalTrifecta [CBT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CBT: heeereee i am!!! CBT: wait. CBT: areee theeereee TWO of you??? melancholicChumly [MC] responded to memo MC: Why am I not S\urprise/) to fin/) that Zeb iS\ the one cauS\inG\ the weir/) time S\hit. MC: Oh, an/) G\reetinG\S\ to BT. Welcome to the crew. CBT: thanks? CBT: wheeen do i geeet my own weeeird timeee cloneees? FUTURE brutalTrifecta [FBT] 48:33 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FBT: in the FUTUREEE of courseee!!! CBT: aweeesomeee!!! FBT: yeeeah, but it's not all that useeeful. >:-\ FBT ceased responding to memo. CBT: ...oh. MC: RiG\ht, at that point in the future we muS\t have alrea/)y realize/) that croS\S\-time memoS\ are uS\eleS\S\ for tryinG\ to chanG\e anythinG\. MC: Probably becauS\e I S\ai/) S\o /juS\t now. MC: Which I only know becauS\e I tol/) myS\elf or will tell myS\elf... MC: ArG\h, my hea/). MC: But what that meanS\ iS\ that there'S\ no reaS\on why we have to S\uffer throuG\h two ZebrekS\. MC: FSH, G\et off an/) G\o /)o whatever it iS\ your S\uppose/) to be /)oinG\ riG\ht now. MC: PSH, G\et off an/) wait two /)ayS\ S\o you can iG\nore me for an hour an/) then G\et S\hanG\haie/) into thiS\. MC: CSH, S\top S\tarinG\ at the pretty liG\htS\ an/) reS\pon/). FSH: ok fiiiiiiine current me should be here soon PSH: see you later dudes FSH ceased responding to memo. PSH ceased responding to memo. CURRENT omnipotentOmnivore [COO] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. OO: i'm here! OO: when do we eat? AP: One more thing. Premptively. absentPsychologist [AP] has mass banned Team Rocket (antipathicHopper [?AH/AH] technopathicalAnomoly [?TA/TA] hastyExecutor [?HE/HE] vengefulRodentia [?VR/VR] pandorasArchivist [?PA/PA] burlesqueBalderdash [?BB/BB] eloquentOrchestrator [?EO/EO] hardardousPracticioner [?HP/HP]) from responding to the memo CBT: who areee theeey? AP: Team Rocket. The enemy. Future antipathicHopper [FAH] ??? FROM NOW responded to memo. FAH: We're the best. Ar[]und. absentPsychologist [AP] has banned Future antipathicHopper [FAH] from responding to the memo. AP: No spoilers. Future antipathicHopper [FAH2] ??? FROM NOW responded to memo. FAH2: I kn[]w y[]u are but what a^^ I? MC: PleaS\e S\top. FAH2: Kay. FAH2: But []n|_y be[ause I need t[] st[]p Zebrek fr[]^^ setting fire t[] my stuff. Future antipathicHopper [FAH2] banned self from responding to memo AP: I can. See what. You mean now. Caoway. AP: I'm starting, to get. TiDeepSkyBlue of it. Already. MC: S\tan/)faS\t, it iS\n't over yet. AP: *prepares chain noose* MC: That won't /)o any G\oo/). TruS\t me. AP: Bluh. Anyway, for those out. Of the know brutalTrifecta...is Burgun. An old friend, of mine. Who...likes to, punch stuff. CBT: i'm beeetteeer with my feeet, CBT: but yeeeah!!! pleeeaseeed to meeet theee reeest of you!!! AP: If half. Of what, she says. Is true. Then, she will kick. Her...way through all of Team Rocket. Then finish us all, in her. Unfathomable, Bratwurst. MC: An/) what exactly are her claimS\ to fame?, CBT: i'm seeet to join theee MILITARY in half a sweeep, and i'veee fought moreee peeeopleee than you'reee probably acquainteeed with!!! MC: BeatinG\ more people than I know iS\ not a G\ran/) accompliS\hment. An/) military? How ol/) are you? CBT: i'm not talking about you SPEEECIFICALLY. CBT: but i'm eeeleeeveeen sweeeps old, with theee EEEXPEEERIEEENCEEE to match. CURRENT bathorysIllustrator [CBI] has responded to memo CBI: Don't minde me. CBI: Juste making my presence knowne. CBI: I woulde rather not deale with the motley sorte I see here at this momente. CBI: I'll go talke with Piron. MC: S\tay on G\lacier /)ucheS\S\, we nee/) everyone here to /)eci/)e what or/)er we /)o thiS\ in. MC: But yeah, G\o G\et Piron. CBI: I think I understand the giste of thingse from the very crude guide you sent me. CBI: I won't concerne myself with a server for nowe, but I'de like Piron to be my cliente. CBI: Is thate it? MC: We S\till nee/) to /)eci/)e who Piron'S\ G\oinG\ to play S\erver to. An/) who'S\ G\oinG\ in firS\t for that matter. CBT: who's piron? AP: Remember. When I told. You...about the. Shark royal, who kept kicking. My ass? CBT: vagueeely. AP: That'd be. Her. CBT: ooh!!! can I haveee heeer? AP: Don't see...why not. CBI: Fabulouse. CBI: Are the formalities nowe complete? MC: Fine. G\o ahea/) an/) leave. CURRENT bathorysIllustrator [CBI] has ceased responding to the memo MC: We'll /juS\t /)eci/)e who your S\erver iS\ without you. MC: Current Zebrek, I appoint you that poS\ition. CURRENT StalkerSahagin [SS] has responded to memo CSS: Hello. MC: Oh G\oo/) you're on. MC: Um, can I aS\S\ume G\liS\S\a haS\ alrea/)y briefe/) you on the baS\icS\? CSS: Some. MC: G\oo/) enouG\h. MC: I'm Caoway, by the way. MC: An/) BT iS\ BurG\un, S\he'll be your client. MC: BurG\un, thiS\ iS\ Piron. "Terror of the /)eep". CBT: niceee to meeet you!!! CSS: Hello. CURRENT butketHed [BH] has responded to memo BH: Good evening everyone. ^^ I was briefed on sgrub... briefly and I decided to see what has been decided or is ongoing. =P I'm not certain, but I may perhaps join if I feel it will be worthwhile. ^.^ BH: Also, for those of you who don't know already, I also maintain a huge supply of items in my warehive to sell at a crazy discount, especially perhaps to teammates like you guys!$_\$ So if you are in the need for a special something, contact your friend merchant, Sharl! (Sharl being ME) ^.~
MC: S\harl, thiS\ iS\ a S\eriouS\ /)iS\cuS\S\ion, not an opportunity to a/)vertiS\e.
MC: We're tryinG\ to S\et up a chain of clientS\ an/) S\erverS\ here.
MC: S\peakinG\ of, where woul/) you like to be in thiS\ chain?
BH: I don't particularlly have a strong preference anywhere, so you can probably stick me at the end with anyone. ^^ I assume that'll give me plenty of time to see what the game is like.
BH: Unless you have any suggestions?
MC: No, that workS\ for me.
MC: Okay chain S\o far:
MC: BH > S\pace open> SH > BI > SS > BT> S\pace open > S\till haven't /)eci/)e/) who G\oeS\ firS\t.
AP: You are going first.
MC: ?!
AP: Then I will go.
AP: Gorrma, will fill...the other space.
CBT: so i gueeess that meeeans you'reee my CLIEEENT, leeerajeee?
MC: Well, that woul/) complete the chain.
MC: An/)...
MC: I G\ueS\S\ I'/) be lyinG\ if S\ai/) I /)i/)n't S\ecretly want to be the firS\t troll to explore wherever it iS\ we're G\oinG\.
AP: Good. We are all clear then. The only question, is when we begin.
AP: Pretty much, up to you. Caoway. I'll start the game up, when you say.
MC: My deciS\ion then?
MC: Once I S\tart thiS\, there'S\ no G\oinG\ back.
MC: ...
MC: I'm G\oinG\ to check in with /)erpah firS\t.
MC: After that, I'll inS\tall the G\ame an/) then you can connect with me.
AP: Aye aye.
MC: There iS\ a ti/)e in the affairS\ of trollS\, Which taken at the floo/), lea/)S\ on to fortune. Omitte/), all the voyaG\e of their life is boun/) in S\hallowS\ an/) in miS\erieS\. On S\uch a full S\ea are we now afloat. An/) we muS\t take the current when it S\erveS\, or loS\e our ventureS\.
spectacularHellion [SH] began responding to memo.
SH: whoa okay im glissas server ok cool whatever that means what does that mean
MC: Rea/) the /)amn G\ui/)e!
[MC] ceased responding to memo-
SH: ohhh right yeah which reminds me i gotta tell past me to read it after you send it to him hold on
SH: ok i told him and i installed the game so hey glissa wanna connect so we can start playing can we
CBT: i think sheee LEEEFT alreeeady.
OO: oh shorry guysh, i had to go make a shandwich.
OO: sho i'm zeb'sh sherver player, and sharl ish my sherver player..?
OO: what doesh that even mean? ]:-[
OO: i musht have shkipped that part of the manual when i read through it.
OO: becaushe i totally read the whole thing and certainly didn't print out the manual and
OO: eat partsh of it.
OO: obvioushly.
OO: cuz that would be dumb.
AP: Suspiciously. Specific, denial. There....Gorrma.
AP: But to, make it. Simple. Each player(client) has an overseer(server) who is supposed to help them. By building things, such as...the neccearry equipment to escape the. Impending...apocolypse.
CBT: wait a minuteee.
CBT: you didn't teeell meee anything about an APOCALYPSEEE.
AP: It...was fairly new. To me. As well, but. I'm coming. To grips...dammit I never gave you. The game and...guide did I?
AP: UGH. SUCH A FUCKING...
AP: Calming...we can discuss this...elsewhere if you like?
CBT: yeeeah, alright.
CBT: >:-\

Jegus fucking Chris. How could you forget to send her the fucking game!? Stupid stupid dumb.

>Leraje: Troll Bergun

You take a break from smashing your skull into the space beside your keyboard to inform your friend of the stakes.

absentPsychologist [AP] started trolling brutalTrifecta [BT]
AP: So I. Thought this...was just a FLARP thing. To start.
AP: But, apparently. Somebody, has triggeDeepSkyBlue. The end...of the world. As we know it.
AP: And this game...is the, only. Way. Out.
BT: that's kind of a HARD PILL to swallow.
BT: but i gueeess it can't hurt to giveee it a shot reeegardleeess.
AP: I...don't. Think so.
AP: I know...I've made no measure. To warn. Them.
AP: And...Derpah. Can't be, relied on. To do anything...of that sort.
BT: ugh.
BT: um. okay.
BT: you tell meee what i neeed to know for this gameee.
BT: i neeed to geeet theee word out to someee frieeends.
BT: maybeee theeey know SOMEEEONEEE who can warn theee fleeet.
AP: It's, just as. Easy as. 1. 2. 3.
absentPsychologist [AP] sent brutalTrifecta [BT] file "Sgrub_remasteDeepSkyBlue.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt"
AP: The guide...is helpful. But incomplete...with no hopes of being. So.
BT: it's a start i supposeee.
BT: i neeed to reeead up on this stuff and start geeetting theee WORD out.
BT: anything eeelseee i neeed to know?
AP: Nothing. Good luck. Hopefully...there is. Still. Time.
AP: You could always. Ask. Yourself.
BT: i don't think a journeeey to theee CEEENTEEER OF THE THINK PAN is going to heeelp meee at this stageee.
AP: I meant the. You. That, intruded. On my...memo.
BT: i don't know anything about how do to stuff likeee that!!!
AP: May be. As easy. As...trying.
AP: But...I don't understand this. Stuff. And, I don't think...I ever will.
AP: No patience. For it.
BT: bluh.
BT: i'll figureee it out lateeer.
BT: gotta geeet to work!!!
AP: bye ._.
brutalTrifecta [BT] has ceased trolling absentPsychologist [AP]

Okay. Rectified. Though it does rise the question of exactly what you may have done handing this kind of information over to someone who might inform the rest of the world. This isn't to say you wouldn't save the Empress, but you don't know how a game with such scope will respond to the sudden influx of players.

Oh well, this will probably never come back to bite you in the ass. Ever.

>Leraje: Take another look at the memo.

Couldn't hurt.

SH: whoa ok gorrma wanna start playing wanna wanna please please can we
OO: ash much ash i'd love to shtart going through the shtuff in your houshe and
OO: organizing it by degree of delicioushnessh, i don't think we can shtart playing
OO: until the trollsh before ush log on. if i'm reading the tatteDeepSkyBlue remnantsh of thish
OO: manual correctly, that ish.
OO: it'sh kind of hard to tell in shome placesh.
SH: but but i wanna play noooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
OO: well, you could shpend the next few hoursh going through your hive
OO: and hiding anything you don't want othersh to shee when i become your
OO: sherver player.
OO: shpeaking of which,
OO: i should probably go short through the decaying monshter carcasshesh i've
OO: been leaving to age in one of the lower blocksh. it probably wouldn't be
OO: polite to jusht leave them all laying about when i have company over. ]:-(
OO: .......
OO: i could make everyone shome lunch, if anyone'sh intereshted.
AP: I could eat.

Everything still seems dandy. You were able to set up the idea that they would be operating without leadership and everyone was able to show up quite unlike that little Team Rocket gathering you crashed. All that food talk really has made you hungry. You hoped Seymour was off hunting right now. Some fresh fish could really fill your gullet right now. Better check around for food before you chew your arm off again.

>Be someone else while you look for snacks.
- Overcast, 3 years ago
• >Be someone else while you look for snacks.

You are now Ballaa.

It was a productive, er, "night" patrolling the streets of your hiveblock, and you can safely say that you made sure crime was far too terrified to venture out into what you're going to continue pretending is the darkness, despite all evidence to the contrary.

As you return to your hive, a curious new foe has taken it upon themselves to contact you!

questionyMarker [QM] started trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]
QM: are you still investigating the theft of forty cakes, mr nocturnal wingedrat vigilante???
VR: ...
VR: you... know something.
QM: you haven't had any luck, have you???
VR: i SUSPECTED... a friend...
VR: then... her lusus.
VR: TELL me... what you're hiding... NOW.
QM: are you always this abrupt???
QM: And did you really think a goat would wander right into the heart of the nourishment district and only target one specific grocerateria???
QM: Suspicious, don't you think???
VR: ...
VR: you seem very... quizzical. OBSESSIVELY so...
QM: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!!!
VR: someone... didn't LIKE that... did he?
VR: the questions... the obsessive questions... perhaps BURGLARY too.
QM: you don't have any idea at all, do you???
QM: well then mr nocturnal wingedrat vigiliante...
QM: were you aware...
QM: that the cake...
QM: was a pie
QM: ???
VR: ...
VR: are you... DENSE?
VR: are you RETARDED... or something?
QM: you didn't even know that the forty cakes were more like pies???
QM: you really messed up
QM: AND THAT'S TERRIBLE
VR: the only thing... that's terrible...
VR: ...
>Pull cowl over your face in a dramatically edgy fashion.

Having entered the seclusion of your hive during the conversation, you took the opportunity to remove your cowl for the sake of scratching an itch out your understandably sweaty head that you just couldn't get to while it was beneath the cowl that was making your head all sweaty.

But with the itch decidedly scratched, you can think of no cooler time to remask yourself. And if someone could see you doing it, it would be even better!

======>
VR: is how much time you'll spend... behind BARS.
VR: ...yeah.
QM: YOU'LL NEvER C^TCH ME!!!
QM: YOU'RE TOO SLOW!!!
questionyMarker [QM] stopped trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]
VR: ...
VR: hm.

>Deduce the identity of your new archenemy.

Well, despite the text color, something about this particular troll seems to lack that certain regal flair, and his... her? Whatever. The villain's typing quirk seems almost artificial, like--

>FUCK THAT SHIT, HERE COMES TERGUM.

Ugh.

Welp, guess you might as well get whatever he has to say over with and move on with your life.

-antipathicHopper [AH] began trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]-
AH: Sup, Ba|_|_aa?
AH: Yeah, that's great, d[]n't [are.
AH: |_[]ng st[]ry sh[]rt:
AH: W[]r|_d's ending; p|_aying a ga^^e that wi|_|_ |_et s[]^^e []f us survive, de[ided t[] draft y[]u.
AH: Y[]u in, []r are y[]u just g[]nna sit [rying f[]r y[]ur |_usus in y[]ur hive as the w[]r|_d ends?
VR: oh my gog... you...
VR: TYPE like a... TOOL.
VR: but... consider yourselves SAVED.
AH: Fantasti[. G|_ad t[] hear it, p[]inty.
VR: ...
VR: i'll... TRY to ignore that.
VR: get me... whatever it is i need to play...
VR: and i'll install it on MY... batcomputer.
AH: What in the sweet a|_^^ighty fu[k is a bat[[]^^puter?
VR: a... VOICE... told me to call it that...
AH: And sudden|_|_y I'^^ having se[[]nd th[]ughts ab[]ut ^^aking y[]u se[[]nd in [[]^^and.
VR: just get me the gogdamn batdisks...
VR: i... am perfectly SANE.
AH: Ab[]ut as sane as Zebrek.
antipathicHopper [AH] sent vengefulRodentia [VR] file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt"
AH: I'^^ te^^pted t[] send y[]u a |_[]zenge as we|_|_.
AH: If y[]u ta|_k |_ike y[]u type, I wi|_|_ pr[]bab|_y hurt y[]u.
VR: my... breath hose does get... SCRATCHY...
AH: In that [ase, y[]u're pree^^ptive|_y fu[king we|_[[]^^e.
AH: N[]w read that shit, then get ba[k t[] ^^e.
AH: I have p[]kegrub t[] p|_ay.
-antipathicHopper [AH] ceased trolling vengefulRodentia [VR]-

>Study game information while awaiting the gogdamn batdisks.

You open the .ttxt file and begin reading, which is no easy task considering how much of a tool Capiti types like. It's bad enough that he won't stop playing games for wrigglers, but if he typed any more like a tool he'd probably believe in shit like fairies or something.

Not like you. You are a mature troll that reads mature illustrated periodicals for mature trolls such as yourself.

>Move on to the next troll.
- POS Industries, 3 years ago
• >Be the next troll.

In this game, the next troll is Caoway. It's you. You are currently banging your head against the keyboard after experiencing what you believe your future-self meant when he/you said you/him were about to have a bad day. After bringing Gorrma and Sharl aboard, you hit a wall. A great big wall that upon hitting, preceded to overeact to being hit and started getting all pissy with you and then finally kicked you in the shame globes.

Things started out badly with trying to find a replacement for Zeb and they only got worse. Ballaa turned out to be a complete weirdo, Aldurin turned you down once you told him the line up, Vintag misconstrued your invitation as asking to appear in one of her performances and blocked you when tried to correct her, Scalis wouldn't troll back for some reason, Reztek typed out a little song telling you get lost, Narsyl wouldn't stop inquiring about how you've been recovering from a certain injury so you blocked him, and Iropha....

You really don't want to remember that conversation.

You've exhausted all your contacts and then some, and you still don't have replacement for that ADH-Dipshit. You head really hurts. Probably because of the [ key lodged in your forehead.

>Caoway: Try trolling Gunny McMoron again.

Here goes nothing.

melancholicChumly [MC] began trolling spectacularHellion [SH]-
MC: Zeb, you better anS\wer me thiS\ time.
MC: Or elS\e I S\wear to Mother G\rub'S\ many veS\tiG\al oral S\phincterS\ I will S\tart the G\ame with only S\even playerS\ an/) leave you to /)ie.
SH: whoa sorry about before dude twinkleberry says i have to organize my collection sometimes or itll pile up and make a mess and it was sooooo boring and it took forever but im done now and im here whats up
MC: G\oo/), you're there.
MC: An/) what'S\ up iS\ that you're now on my S\G\RUB team.
MC: Effective imme/)iately.
MC: ConS\i/)er this meS\S\aG\e an empty flaG\on, my wor/)s a S\hiny G\ol/) monetary /)iS\k at the bottom of it, an/) your reS\ponS\e be an acknowle/)G\ement of S\ai/) /)iS\k.
MC: You've been Troll S\hanG\haie/), you little hyperactive wriG\G\ler.
SH: oh dude awesomecool forever youre the best so when are we starting when can i start when when when when when when whenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwh enwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhenwhen
MC: I S\wear, if I ha/) the S\trifeS\pecibi an/) no luS\uS\ to look after...
MC: Here'S\ the G\ame file an/) G\ui/)e.
melancholcChumly sent spectacularHellion file "Sgrub_remastered.texe" and file "Not_dying_in_Sgrub_for_assholes_v0.01.ttxt"
MC: Rea/) the G\ui/)e an/) /)o NOT inS\tall the G\ame /juS\t yet.
MC: I'll G\et back to you in little while once we have a memo S\et up.
SH: ok dude cool ill be here leaving the window open
Finally, the spot may be occupied by Zebrek but at least there's someone there. Now you can troll Leraje and tell him to go fetch the Terror of the Deep and his mystery guest. Things are finally starting to look up.

>Caoway: Perform victory interpretive dance.

You perform an interpretive dance for this small victory with your stuffed crustacean monster. It's not to be interpreted as a crustacean dance though, those kinds of dances are something completely different.

Hoy? Looks like Tergum's trolling you. No doubt to tell you how he's so exited to be playing on your team.

>Caoway: Be told where to shove your team.

You answer Tergum and have the last conversation in this post. (http://nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1094971&postcount=95)

And you're back where you started. Great

>Caoway: Head. Keyboard. Make it so.

Before you have a chance to give the [ key a new neighbor, Leraje's trollian icon blinks. When it rains, it pours.

>Caoway: Fall victim to the meddler's wheels within wheels.

Well, there's no way around it now. Just going to have to do it quick and hope it won't be too painful.

You then spend a few minutes combing out Ten's hair, rearranging the chest pile, and making sure you lusus has enough water.

>Caoway: STOP SHITTING AROUND!!!!!!!!

Okay, geeeeeeeez.

You stop ignoring Glissa and have this conversation. (http://nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1095685&postcount=100)

ARGH, Cursed Cold Current Curator of a Codfish Countess! Darn Glissa, pretending this was about her thinking you were dead rather than the artifacts to make you feel guilty, like you need more things to feel guilty about. She makes your blood boil...

Well, not really. Sure you're a little annoyed by her attitude but you certainly don't hate her. Not any more than the rest of your friends. She never once told you to stay out of the water or tried to impale you with a spear or giant eating utensil like most of the other seatrolls you've encountered in the past. And it's not like she ordered you to retrieve the stupid frog thing, she asked you and even offered a reward for your troubles. It's not saying much, but she's easily the nicest fishtroll you've ever met.

Still, ARGH! Why the hell did you even joke about doing a crustacean dance for her forgiveness? You don't even know which dance is the one for forgiveness, let alone any of the steps. Well, guess you'll just have to make sure there's a few players between you and miss haughty haddock-face and avoid her like a horn rot virus when you're in the medium.

Well, may as troll Leraje and tell him to- Huh?

Looks like he went ahead and started a memo without you. That does save you a bit of trouble.

>Caoway: Examine Frog Idol.

You turn your attention to the old, craggy idol lodged in your stuffed splashhound's mouth. You went through a bit of trouble to get this stupid thing. It's not even that great. Looks like someone went nuts with a spirograph on it.

You answer the memo and, after much back and forth, it is decided that you will be the one to start the game. Hrm.

This is exciting. You should be excited. I mean, for once in your life, you'll get the opportunity to venture into a place where supposedly no troll has ever set foot. But, it just gives you an uneasy feeling. The same kind of feeling you had right before you delivered the "Ultimate Sabotage" upon Zottic and then...

You decide to troll Aldurin and see how things are going.

melancholicChumly [MC] began trolling technopathicalAnomaly [TA]-
MC: /)erpah, I've G\ot the team toG\ether an/) we're rea/)y to S\tart playinG\.
MC: /)erpah?
MC: FiG\ureS\, I troll you the one time in your life when you /)on't happen to have five computerS\ on your perS\on.
MC: /)on't even know why it iS\ that I am /)oinG\ thiS\.
MC: The meS\S\aG\e, not the G\ame that iS\.
MC: TheS\e typeS\ of G\ameS\ are all about deS\troyinG\ the other team, not fair play riG\ht?
MC: S\o why am I G\ivinG\ you a hea/)S\ up?
MC: Maybe my thouG\htS\ /juS\t /)on't flow like other trollS\.
MC: Probably why I /)on't S\ee the appeal of Lera/je'S\ verS\ion of romance.
MC: Or properly hate anyone in hiS\ termS\.
MC: I mean, I certainly hate/) an/) S\till hate Zottic.
MC: In the S\enS\e that if he were S\till alive I woul/) tie an anchor to hiS\ leG\ an/) chuck him into /)'lak'n infeS\te/) waterS\
MC: ...
MC: Or maybe I'm trollinG\ you becauS\e S\omehow I feel like thiS\ iS\ a big miS\take.
MC: An/) you'll S\ay S\omethinG\ to S\top me before it'S\ too late.
MC: Or I'll take a minute to think it over an/) realize that I S\houl/) /juS\t not /)o it.
MC: Like I S\houl/) have /)one before I aS\ke/) you for that viruS\.
MC: S\o many miS\akeS\, S\o many uncertaintieS\.
MC: An/) here I waS\ all for en/)inG\ thiS\ worl/) when it waS\ /juS\t me followinG\ S\omeone elS\e'S\ lea/).
MC: Now it'S\ my choice an/)...
MC: Beat the quarters, woul/) you look at all thiS\ S\hit.
MC: Why am I ramblinG\?
MC: In any caS\e, it'S\ alrea/)y too late to S\top iS\'t it?
MC: I know I'm G\oinG\ to S\tart the G\ame, now or later, it /)oeS\n't matter.
MC: I hope you have your team toG\ether.
MC: If not, you S\houl/) G\et that an/) your /)u/)S\ in or/)er becuaS\e I'm G\oinG\ to inS\tall the G\ame an/) S\art playinG\ aS\ S\oon aS\ I'm /)one typinG\.
MC: Hope to see you in the inciphisphere, friend.
MC: G\oG\, typinG\ without the quirk feelS\ S\o o/)/).
MC: Oh before I G\o, I S\houl/) really paS\S\ on thiS\ meS\S\aG\e:
MC: If you ever hear S\omethinG\ like two metal ob/jectS\ beinG\ clanG\e/) toG\ether, abS\con/).
MC: An/) /)on't S\top abS\con/)inG\.
melancholicChumly [MC] ceased trolling tchnopathicalAnomaly [TA]-
That's that then. All that's left is to message Leraje and tell him that you're both going through with this. That it will transpire.

What? Why would think that was going to happen? Whatever. You promptly tell Zeb to shut up on the memo and let Leraje know that you're ready.

Now for that file, that's staring you right in the face and has been for the last three hours or so.

>Caoway: ...Hug lusus.

You move the mouse and-

>Caoway: JUST HUG HIM OKAY!

You scamper down-stairs and into your lusus' block. Beechie still in a content, dreamlike state thanks to the musical stylings of acclaimed singer and war veteran, Troll Beyonce. Who is most definitely a MOLAWNRING singer. On this world.

You pat his snout and give him the biggest hug you can.

Don't you worry, matey. We'll be in a better place soon enough.

>Caoway: Begin installing SGRUB Remastered.

You already did. (http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/welcome-to-the-new-extreme) A weird spirograph thingy appears on screen but you take no notice as you're already on your way out the door. You make your way past a half a whale and a small iceberg as the view slowly shifts back to your RESPITEBLOCK, where the colors and spirograph from the husktop screen dance around in unAlternian glow. Suddenly, the screen lights up brighter than should be possible. The sigils on the frog idol catch the glow in weird way. It almost looks like it's glowing as well.

The view swithes to outside, where a few red shooting stars drip down past the horizon. You don't take notice, just like you didn't notice that the storm clouds cleared. You're at the dock now and you're effortlessly yanking your small boat out the water with your pole-and-line, a marvelous display of your prowess with that abstratus. You fling it over onto your cart and begin your journey back up to the cape.

Way off in the distance, one of the bigger shooting stars touches down in the sea. The big wave that was already brewing just got a whole lot bigger.

The view switches back to the RESPITEBLOCK, where the spirograph continues to dance around. One by one, the similar spirographs on the frog begin to move around like the one on screen. All sixteen of them.

The view switches back outside, to you, now on the cape looking at the whale half and hulking mass of ice. You switch weapons, from your old reliable rod and reel to one with a razor-eged steel line. You begin cutting through the flesh, making neat beast sized portions. Purple blood sprays everywhere but you continue butchering the carcass. Once you have a good portion of it cut up, you turn to the ice. You wave your line like a lasso, forming cricle in the air. Well, actually, it looks more like a spiro-

The view segways back inside, the loading bar is nearly full. The frog idol's spirographs continue to move in sync with screen spirograph.

The image of one of the spirographs melts into the image of the vinyl music disk playing downstairs. It reaches the end of the groove and falls off. The music stops playing.

In the next block, Beechie comes out of his trance. He remembers the reason he was so worked up earlier and bolts up. He listens around but fails to pick up any trace of Caoway. Panicked, he blindly rushes forward. Right through the door.

You are nearly upon the threshold of Beechie's entrance with a wagon full of iced whale blubber when your lusus bursts out and knocks both you and the cart over. He runs around the lawn, frightened, worried, and generally just flipping out. You make a move to try and calm him down, but you stop when a great shadow falls over you. You look up at the massive wave as it slowly crests over your hive. The bi-daily tidal wave is much bigger tonight.

Inside the respiteblock, just as the loading bar is about filled, the windows break open and water gushes in. Clutter is washed all around and the lights go out. Sparks pop out of the husktop and the screen goes blank.

And then it flickers back on, displaying the words:

SBURB
Remastered
- Intern Nin, 3 years ago

### Comment

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